Coming Soon: Soft Filled Cinnamon Toast Crunch & Cocoa Puffs Bars from Pillsbury

Pillsbury Soft Filled Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bars

Image via General Mills

What’s with General Mills and thermal activation? First we got the infamously inscrutable Toaster Strudel, essentially a high-maintenance Posh-Tart, and now a pair of Soft Filled Cereal Bars. Is the whole company a puppet operation run by a shadow council of Pillsbury Doughclerics, hellbent on igniting the world and ascending to the breaded plane?

Or am I just really lazy and hate waiting for the toaster when I could be eagerly and beaverly carving into a Pop-Tart?

Image via General Mills

Despite my aversion to exertion, I’m excited to try Pillsbury’s latest “ovenable” cereal-pastry crossover. According to General Mills, both are a “Frozen soft bar filled with cinnamon [or chocolatey] Neufchatel cheese.” The prospect of turning my oven (or countertop, as they can be thawed to eat, though who would want to risk the inevitable accidental face-plant into it) into a fudgy or cinnamon bunny cheesecake factory has me cheesequaking in my desk chair.

It makes me wonder what other cheeses may have cereal crossover potential. Cream Cheese Bagel Toast Crunch? Cottage Cheese Pebbles? Come on, Big Cereal, you have to claim this untapped potential before Doritos does!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cocoa puffs, general mills, toast crunch. 5 Comments

Oct. ’18

Review: Trader Joe’s Caramel Apple Flavored Granola

2018 has been weird. Here at the C.R.U.N.C.H. Tactical Headquarters (Cerealously Research Unified Network for Communications and Hijinks), there’s an eerie calm this Halloween season. As the big Monster Cereals anniversary coincides with Kellogg’s spoony decision to again throw down the gauntlet-shaped marbit, I at least expected to see some excitement. And yet most major news has centered on either the Festivus season or Pop-Tarts’ yeasty second rise to prominence.

So without much in the way of fresh Halloween bowls to plunder, my autumn-obsessed gaze turns to secondary flavors. Just like how Charlie Brown’s Christmas and Great Pumpkin escapades eclipse the rest of his oeuvre (I’ll always remember you, It’s Dental Flossophy, Charlie Brown), certain taste profiles are overshadowed by pumpkin spice’s ubiquity. But what’s a hayride at the pumpkin patch without cider and caramel apples? A new challenger approaches, and it has seriously rosy cheeks.

Trader Joe’s Caramel Apple Flavored Granola makes a bold promise. Cinnamon apple is one thing, but caramel? Joe may have gotten himself into a sticky situation. Reviews like this can result in quite a pun-undrum.

Yep, that just happened. Continue reading →

Posted by jared m.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, apple, caramel, granola, trader joe's. 1 Comment

Oct. ’18

Review: Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch (2018)

We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a breakfast star.

Our dearly departed Cinnamon Star Crunch, who will remain in our hearts, minds, and stomach memories forever, lived a short life. Only on shelves for the 2016 holiday season, the tragically young crunchy cinnamon stars have now died a second death.

To paraphrase Banksy, who, like the palate-tearing stars, enjoys shredding things, “They say you’re discontinued twice. Once when you stop crunching and the second, a bit later on, when somebody mentions your limited edition existence for the last time.”

You see, now that Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch, the ivory-sugared golden boy of holiday seasons 2015 & 2016, has returned to the delight of many, its deliciously

raw (yet processed) yuletide impact will likely wipe Cinnamon Star Crunch from our collective cultural memory. It’s up to we few remaining cereal historians to preserve the cereal’s name, and its sort of, well, uniquely, umm…it tasted like cinnamon, right?

Wait, what am I doing in this black suit and tie? I’ve got Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch to eat! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, holiday, toast crunch. 3 Comments

Oct. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch (2018)

https://www.instagram.com/p/BpTCEAzgwlk/?taken-by=dadbodsnacks

I know Christmas-colored Cap’n Crunch cereal looks so tasty you could swallow a box in a single spoonful, but come on: cough it up.

No, not the cereal. And not you, dear reader, either. I’m talking to Quaker, Post, and the rest of the Elder Quartet of Cereal Corps.

They need to cough up a couple Xboxes, or at least some good tube socks (silky ones!), because if Big Cereal wants to keep bringing holiday season cereals into prime ‘stumin’ season—that’s costumin’ for the un-apostrophed time spenders out there—they better give me gifts all October long.

Seriously, is it that tough for Kellogg’s to fill my burlap autumn stockings with a gallon of grade-A E.L. Fudge filling?

Especially since Quaker seems to be continuing its streak of repeating the same Christmas Crunch art for multiple year cycles, as evidenced by this early box found by Dad Bod Snacks on Instagram.

Definitely more naughty than nice, this is the third year Cap’n Crunch’s iconic yuletide Crunch Berries variant—which really doesn’t taste any different—will be using the once amazing, but now slightly stale Christmas Vacation-style box art.

You’d think futzing with those lights for long enough would light a creative spark in the ol’ Cap’n.

So while I’ll have to hold out another year for the Elf and A Christmas Story Crunchological parodies I keep imagining—with Crunch Berries shaped like legs and syruped spaghetti—it’s good to know that if the early November blahs get to me, I can plunker down with the Cap’n and some eggnog and have a merry time.

Though it’d be merrier if the nog was spiked with elven sandwich cookie innards.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cap'n crunch, holiday. 3 Comments

Oct. ’18

The Empty Bowl Episode 3: Soothing Graham Crackers

Tuesdays are tough. This is known.

Monday’s trickling fountainhead of leftover weekend euphoria has dribbled its last drop of libidinal residue, yet the hump day, the harbinger of home stretches, hasn’t even begun.

It’s a day that’s too long, too hopeless, and too…Tuesday. I know I’ve spent my fair share of workday 3pm hours aimlessly Googling Pottery Barn coupons and “Which Sailor Scout are You?” personality quizzes*, so I feel obligated to help others get through the week’s second-day slog.

And what better way to do that than by sharing Episode 3 of my and Justin McElroy’s break(fast)-out podcast, The Empty Bowl.

For the unenlightened (emphasis on the enlightenment), The Empty Bowl aims to bring calm and zen to your day by focusing on the meditative nature of everyone’s favorite** milked breakfast food.

The echoing clink of a struck bowl. The tranquil drip of an overflowing spoon. The delicate odyssey of a back-of-box word search. All are fair game on The Empty Bowl, and in this episode we bring a litany of cereal rumors (some recently demystified), a taste of Trix, and a few maxims about milk into our zinc-enriched zen zone.

I hope you enjoy, relax, and maybe pour yourself a bowl of something sweet—if you have a bowl of Waffle Crisp, savor it fondly and tenderly. We plan to be back with another episode in just a couple weeks’ time, so if you have any discussion ideas or questions you’d like to hear about, fling ’em to our inbox.

*I’m pretty Sailor Uranus, with a Saturnal twist.

**Unless you’re a big Carnation Breakfast Essentials fan, in which case, you may to purée our podcast before consuming.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. 1 Comment

Oct. ’18

News: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros, Cookies ‘n Creme Fillows, & XL Reese’s Puffs are Coming to Snack Pouches Near You!

Could this be the greatest cereal clapback since the birth of Malt-O-Meal and subsequent baggification of cheapened famous cereal formulas?

Let me explain: last month, Kellogg’s launched its redesigned Halloween cereals, the skeleton-marshmallowed Froot Loops, Apple Jacks, and Chocolate Frosted Flakes.

Call it hungry conspiracy-theorizing, but maltodextrin foil hat-wearers like me saw this as a potshot at General Mills’ recycled Monster Cereal theme, as the outfits and marshmallows of Kellogg’s creatively costumed characters directly mimicked GM’s full, albeit estranged, monster quintet.

While some were quick to dismiss this as another Cinnamon Toast ghost story, General Mills’ latest new product debut feels like more than a rebuttal to Tony’s trolling: it’s a brazen bombardment of breakfast counterintelligence.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, news. 1 Comment

Oct. ’18

Coming Soon: Kellogg’s Strawberry Krispies and Frosted Mini-Wheats Fruit Medley

Image via Kellogg’s

(Update: We reviewed both!)

Yet again, vegetables are forgotten in the breakfast aisle.

Don’t get me wrong, I love fruit: ketchup is my favorite! But corn flour shouldn’t be the only place nature’s more savory bounty can express its vegetableau of unique flavors.

I’m talking Zucchini Bread Toast Crunch. Sweet Dill Frosted Flakes. Maple Sweet Potato Casserole Cheerios (a boy can dream, can’t he?).

But no—with Kellogg’s newest two cereals in its seemingly endless harvest of upcoming products, sweet and juicy fruit top the breakfast food pyramid yet again.

I guess I can’t be too upset: I never got to try the original, 1983 incarnation of Strawberry Krispies, but it still has loyal fans, even 35 years later. So if 2007’s Rice Krispies with Strawberries was a bit of a slap in the face to them, I’d understand. Either way, both real nostalgiacs and wistful wannabes like me can rejoice, because Strawberry Krispies are getting a proper revival.

I’d imagine the natural first thing to do with these micro rose petal Krispies is to fon-douse it in chocolate milk. We don’t know a concrete release date yet, but I hope I don’t have to wait until Valentine’s Day to share a carton of chocolates with Strawberry Krispies.

Image via Kellogg’s

Kellogg’s other upcoming release, however, is all original: Frosted Mini-Wheats Fruit Medley.

Just looking at the box’s thick wheat biscuits, I automatically picture a disastrous dry beach-turned-mirage vacation—how could a cereal this dry do juicy fruit flavors justice?

But the more I consider Fruit Medley Mini-Wheats’ unique blend of peach, apple, and pear fruit flavors, the more I think it could work as more of a “spring pie” approach—at least that’s the season of release the box color’s would have me believe.

Though that just makes my unrealized dream of Carrot Cake Mini-Wheats all the more bittersweet.

So while these may just seem like two more cereals to toss on top of the laundry/pantry list of new cereals soon-to-come, I definitely think each has potential—even if only for a certain niche of wispy berry and Animal Crossing fruit blend fans.

As for me? Well until early 2019 releases its onslaught of promised sweets, I’ll be whittling eggplants into cereal spoons.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kellogg's, mini-wheats, rice krispies. 4 Comments

Oct. ’18

Kellogg’s NYC Debuts Limited Edition All Together Cereal!

Images via @kelloggsnyc on Instagram

I’ve always wanted to see a Kellogg’s mascot Battle Royale, but this is way better.

Not only because the Raisin Bran Sun could roast the others in an instant of he wanted—honestly, I admire the electromagnetic restraint—but because the message behind Kellogg’s NYC‘s new All Together Cereal is much more important than a vitamin-fortified Fortnite.

Apparently only available today (10/18) at Kellogg’s NYC, the company’s New York cereal café featuring probably every combo of Frosted Flakes and Pop-Tarts mathematically imaginable, All Together Cereal puts all* of Kellogg’s most famously mascot-fronted cereals on one box!

*The Krave Chocovore doesn’t appear to have been invited. I guess cannibalism and equality are a bit at odds.

The cereal is a partnership between Kellogg’s and GLAAD, and it’s part of a wider pledge to stop bullying and support LGBTQ youth—a pledge I fully support, especially as it breaks from cereal’s typical pledge to support local dentists.

By my count (sorry Chocula, not you), there are seven iconic cereals all together-ed up in this box: Apple Jacks, Corn Flakes, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Raisin Bran, and Rice Krispies.

So while the message is great, I can’t imagine this would be a cereal I’d eat regularly—something about apple-cinnamon Frooty raisins suggests the combined flavors might be too much to gastronomically decode all at once. Probably for the best they didn’t throw Honey Smacks in there, too.

Jokes aside, if you’re in the area, this is both a good-natured and inevitably pretty rare box to get your hands on. Be sure to send photos if you do—though it like the box is exclusive, but the cereal might be “build-your-own” at the cafe—because if I can’t find a box online somehow, I’ll have to live vicariously through Kellogg’s NYC’s Instagram.

Or I could see how long it takes my local Walmart to notice I’ve assembled a mixing trough in the cereal aisle.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kellogg's. 5 Comments