28

Feb. ’19

The Empty Bowl Episode 9: Rings and Flakes, Living Together! Mass Hysteria!

Forgive the lateness on sharing our latest show: I was too busy cleaning Caticorn Cereal, which you’ll likely hear about again in the next episode out of my carpet.

Now that I’ve surely assuaged any timely anxiety with therapeutically cute feline mischievousness, I can talk about the latest Empty Bowl. New to our intercontinental breakfast relaxation station? I’ll explain it in six words:

Me. Justin McElroy. Cereal. Chillness.

See, true meditative minimalism doesn’t need six. We’ll let you keep that last word for your own use. Might I suggest something nice like “obviate” or “crispness”?

On this episode, Justin and I cover Trader Joe’s latest cereal, challenge the status quo with a Pop-Tart review, and finally address our listeners’ ever-pressing inquiries about cereal mixes. Along the way, we trade plenty of chuckles, a few wizened “teehees,” and a pasteurized ocean’s worth of crashing waves as we float through your airwaves. Hope you brought your Cap’n Crunch epaulette water wings.

If you’re still hungry, or if you just forgot to drink the milk (heresy, but the forgivable kind), you can find more 20–30 minute ear snacks at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but we certainly won’t hit you with an awkward out-of-the-office auto-response.

Because this vacation’s all yours.

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25

Feb. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s Caticorn Cereal

Kellogg's Caticorn Cereal Review – Box

Production Assistant Jupiter says, “You’ll pay for this foolishness in belly rubs.”

Is it not foolish for one of humankind’s creations to claim perfection? Are our works not destined to be beautifully flawed, lest we, in our Icarian hubris, overstep our mortal boundaries in selfish pursuit of godliness?

Something tells me Kellogg’s cutesy-tootsy Caticorn knows nothing about the myths of yore. If it did, we’d likely be gorging ourselves next to Medusa Bran* instead of some declawed creature dreamt up to steal Lisa Frank’s market share. It’s clear from the box alone that not only is Caticorn Cereal kind of unoriginal: its claim of “Berry Purrr-fection” sets a bar so high, it’s Herculean—especially for just another mixed fruit cereal.

As of right now, Caticorn Cereal at least has exclusivity going for it. It’s only available at Sam’s Club for the time being, before rolling out to other stores. But determining whether it’s worth buying a massive, 2.3lb Pandora’s box of it (that contains two cinderblock-sized boxes of its own) is up to my humble taste buds and limited pantry real estate.

*Inspired by my recent cereal mix idea, Medusa Crunch would combine Oreo O’s with gummy worms and freeze-dried pudding pieces for a truly stunning flavor combo. Just call me Purrr-seus.

Continue reading →

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24

Feb. ’19

Review: Trader Joe’s Neapolitan Puffs Cereal

Trader Joe's Neapolitan Puffs Cereal Review Box

Let’s take a moment to admire the abject honesty of the current cereal industry. We’ve had our ups and downs, with the occasional public health outcry shaping the way our beloved commodity is branded. Sugar Frosted Flakes became Frosted Flakes. Sugar Smacks became Honey Smacks, which was refined for a period to just Smacks before reverting back to the mean. And now, in this present age of risk-taking in the breakfast aisle, companies are owning the fact that cereal is pretty much dessert. To the sugar-coated mound of donut and cookie (for breakfast?!) cereals, we’ve also seen the advent of ice cream offerings.

I’d be remiss to not point out that Cocoa Puffs did not invent the concept. As with so many deliciously carbed rituals, the Italians did it first. So while Sicilians are enjoying their literal gelato sandwiches early in the day, apparently the norm in Naples is that unique blend of strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate for which the region is named. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Sonny’s history lesson is a little vague on that one.

Trader Joe’s inexplicably decided to counter the Neapolitan Cocoa Puffs with… Neapolitan Puffs Cereal. But it’s what’s under the hood that counts, and Joe has made some special modifications. TJ looked at a fairly good cereal that does not contain beans and said, “No. This will not do.” Instead of corn, oat, or even wheat, Neapolitan Puffs is made with a similar blend of beans found in the divisive LoveGrown cereals.

Personally, I quite like the subtle beany aftertaste and uniquely forgiving crunch of Comet Crispies. At the same time, I respect that it’s not everyone’s jam (if peanuts are a legume, does that make peanut butter just bean jam?), so you can expect a fair assessment here, as well. Continue reading →

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22

Feb. ’19

Classic Review: King Vitaman Cereal

King Vitaman Cereal Review Box 2019

The abdication of an edible monarchy is an interesting thing, and a recurring concept amongst snack sovereigns. Perhaps it’s the unpopularity of ivory-towered mascots when compared to working class leprechauns and rabbits, but in past decades we’ve seen King Don usurped by a facelessly caked corporate hegemony, and the Burger King reduced to a mere figurehead—as the chain’s reigning fast feudalists find the best way to create viral stunts without improving food quality.

Yet, the cereal aisle’s top 1% of the 2% has been ruling largely in private since 1968, like an old god who clings to his last few believers. Yes, King Vitaman cereal still exists—much to my own surprise—though its production has been severely stifled in recent years. Much like another cult-favorite Quaker cereal, Quisp, your best bets for finding a box of King Vitaman in 2019 are outlet stores, the Internet, and maybe a haunted garage sale.

The cereal has a history richer than its vitamin & mineral content, dating back to its forced vowel tweak to Vitaman, as the FDA forbids non-vitamins to call themselves vitamins. Go figure. While I’ve long been uncertain how to pronounce this tasty tyrant’s name (my brain wants to think “veeta-man,” not unlike how a clueless parent would mispronounce “Digimon”), I have nothing but respect for his lineage of descendants.

King Vitaman I (whom the above commercial names to affirm my phonetic idiocy), joined by the villainous Not-So-Bright Knight, defended his breakfast riches with a steely scepter. He loses respect points for hoarding wealth, but remains a people’s champ for taking decisive action instead of relying on henchmen and fallguys.

King Vitaman II, the most beloved and recognizable, earned wide acclaim for giving the cartoon king’s spirit corporeal form. Portrayed by George Mann from 1971 to his death in 1977, King Vitaman II will be forever martyred as one of few live action cereal mascots, as well as someone who could easily bare-knuckle box the Burger King and punt him off a parapet. Rest in peace, your highness. Continue reading →

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20

Feb. ’19

News: Blueberry Cheerios are Officially Coming Soon!

New Blueberry Cheerios Cereal 2019

If you read my earlier post—which I’ve now updated—on Toy Story 4 Cereal and were rendered sleepless with anticipation for the visual discovery of the mentioned Blueberry Cheerios, you can quite literally rest assured: thanks to a recent business press release from General Mills, we now have our first whole-grainy look at the latest performance patch to America’s favorite cereal rings.

These indigo oats are the latest in a storied run of blueberry General Mills cereals, whose likes include Blueberry Chex and the late Blueberry Toast Crunch (nĂ©e Tiny Toast). While I wholly trust GM to continue their successful blue streak—a trail of glory that apparently left Boo Berry behind in the corny dust decades ago—I’m most excited to see how Blueberry Cheerios evolve Very Berry Cheerios. I know that cereal has its fans, but I personally thought blueberry’s talent was squandered behind strawberry and raspberry, whose shouting match of tastes left both them and me appropriately red in the face.

But I’ll quite brambling on about berry cereals and let you get back to feasting your eyes on the render above. It’s a beautiful box that, in addition to mimicking Blueberry Toast Crunch’s cardboard hues identically, also suggests that any bowl of Blueberry Cheerios will develop a massive, shadowy blueberry familiar capable of dragging your enemies into a nebulous cerulean void.

After all, revenge is a dish best served with cold milk.

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18

Feb. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s Overwatch Lúcio-Ohs Cereal

Kellogg's Overwatch Lucio Oh's Cereal Review Box

It’s perfectly normal for a grown man to stress-sweat over diacritic placement, right? I remember when Pokémon first arrived on U.S. shores, and no one could figure out what to do with that funky mark over the e. Then a generation of kids learned to use hexadecimal code on our LiveJournals and all was right with the world. Well, what’s old is new again with the drop of this (figurative and literal) loot box. Blizzard has teamed up with Kellogg’s to extrude a veritable Winston of a cereal.

He’s a super-intelligent gorilla. It’s a genetic engineering joke.

And while the character’s vowel woes are only just beginning, I have to express a personal appreciation for the lack of incorrect apostrophe here. Ever wonder what happens to literature majors who manage to land a summer internship with Kellogg’s? Apparently they get to name cereals. Good on you for not going the Honey Oh’s route, anonymous typist! And we didn’t even have to sit through a diatribe about postmodern travel literature to enjoy it.

Kellogg's Overwatch Lucio Oh's Cereal Review Loot

The promotion is fairly straightforward: buy a box of Lucio-Ohs (see, we’ve dropped the accent mark already because convenience… and search engines) and upload a photo of your receipt to the Kellogg’s website to receive an extra in-game loot boost. With normal loot coming at $2/box, it’s not the most cost-sensitive way to up your chances at anything legendary. As the man says, though, sometimes you’ve got to give yourself to the rhythm.

Speaking of which, Lucio is hardly an intuitive choice. We’ll probably never find out how the decision was made, and that means every night for the rest of my life I have to stare at the ceiling, wondering what Caramel Wrecking Balls might have been. Instead, the loops here are seemingly meant to represent sonic waves. Per Lucio’s default color scheme and Brazilian nationality (perhaps making him the most diverse cereal mascot on shelves at present), they’re yellow and green, so of course that means a rare lemon-lime cereal. Continue reading →

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17

Feb. ’19

News: Toy Story 4 Carnival Berry Cereal is Coming Soon!

Toy Story 4 Cereal Carnival Berry

Forget the snakes—there’s a JPEG compression in my boot!

Yes, the above piece of cereal box lo-fi art is the only trustworthy documentation we have of Kellogg’s upcoming cereal–cinema collab: Toy Story 4’s Carnival Berry Cereal! The fourth film in the beloved (and occasionally tear-jerking) Pixar series is also getting the franchise’s third cereal, continuing the apparently Kelloggianly blood-bound partnership that brought us 2002’s excitingly grahamed Buzz Blasts and the considerably less creative Toy Story 3 Cereal.

It remains unclear whether this new Carnival Berry flavor will be a proper testament to the new film’s setting, or just another inscrutably arbitrary flavor choice—much like the one that brought us the similar-sounding Berry Purrr-fection taste in Caticorn Cereal. Kellogg’s has had, at least from my perspective, a rather slipshod start to 2019. Outside of some awesome Pop-Tarts paraphernalia and the news of succulent Corn Pops yet to come, the minds behind Froot Loops and Apple Jacks have had rings run around them by the explosive innovations of Post.

I mean, would it killed them to have done a Carnival Cotton Candy flavor instead?

New Blueberry Cheerios

But speculating flavors is about as productive as counting pixels, so while we wait for this cereal to hit stores, I’d rather do my best to try and find another cereal listed near Toy Story 4 Cereal: these Blueberry Cheerios. Big thanks to The Junk Food Aisle for his tips on both! If you have cereal news—or a stolen Blueberry Cheerio preserved in amber—please don’t hesitate to share!

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15

Feb. ’19

News: Two New(ish) Kellogg’s Cereals are Coming in May!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt36PnOgoG4/

At some point, we’re going to reach terminal cereal redundancy.

It might not be until President Anthony T. Tiger is democratically elected as GRRR-and Crunch Chancellor in 2814 (rightfully usurping the callously crafted throne of the militaristic Cap’n before him), but I predict that someday, every cereal will exist, and originality will be an obsolete concept.

Carrot Cake Krispies? Pshh, they made that way back in 2083.
Unadorned Sponge Cake Toast Crunch? Surprisingly, that took General Mills (by then renamed Overly Specific Mills) ’til the mid-2400s.
And Honey Brunches of Oats Groundhogs & Waffles? Feels like they release that one every day!

Likely or not, the point of this prediction is that, until the last recesses of breakfast umami have been explored, there shouldn’t be too much reason to keep releasing the same cereals.

Case in point: Birthday Cake Froot Loops. A cereal that debuted in Canada for the country’s 150th anniversary in 2017, these formerly rosy rings now come in three colors that, while not birthday-themed in themselves, certainly seem like the type of thing a narcissistic Toucan Sam would serve at his own begrudgingly attended bash, to make everything color-code to his facial plumage. Continue reading →

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