News: Cascadian Farm Releases Limited Kernza Cereal to Promote Climate Change-Fighting Grain

Kernza Cereal

Move over, Life: there’s a new cereal that’s kid tested, and Mother Nature approved.

But much like climate change, we’ll need to act quickly if we want to get a handle on it. It’s called Honey Toasted Kernza Cereal, and it’s the result of an initiative by General Mills and Cascadian Farm that’s over two years in the making, all to promote its namesake grain.

See, Kernza is an official name for intermediate wheatgrasses that have a number of positive environmental impacts, from helping fauna restore their habitats to protecting our flora’s water supply—not to mention keeping more carbon from impacting our atmosphere.

Kernza vs Climate Change

While I don’t cover nearly as many “healthy” cereals on this blog as I do stomach-frostingly sweet ones, I’ll do anything I can to signal-boost a cereal that ensures a future world where we can still eat gut-glazingly sugary breakfasts—and it’s probably a more sustainable cereal eco-solution than living off the grid in a cabin made of mortared Mini-Wheats.

(Can you imagine the dust problems in the crawlspace?)

Cascadian Farm’s Honey Toasted Kernza Cereal can be acquired by donating $25 or more to The Land Institute. 100% of the money goes to this group that’s helping hype up Kernza across the globe, so it can be a bigger household name than all those second millennia-old bananas found in Ancient Grain Cheerios. By unfortunate circumstance, Honey Toasted Kernza Cereal is more limited of an edition than anticipated: crop failure led to a smaller harvest that could only constitute 6,000 boxes.

So if you want to pair your morning R&R with a little PR for an especially green greenhorn grain, head to the cereal’s Fundly page.

Review: Baked AF Cereal Box Bundt Cakes

Baked AF Cereal Bundt Cakes Review

7, 13, 42, 69: different cultures have deemed just about every number as “lucky” over the ages, but for my Honey Bunches of Money, no numeral quite brings peace like a dozen: I mean, it’s got zen right in the name! And when I gaze upon twelve doughnuts, mini bundt cakes, or fluid ounces of coffee mixed with Snickers* creamer**, I can’t help but feel my anxieties abdicate my abdomen to free up precious real estate for doughy delight.

That’s why, when the aptly named DJ Baby Bundt Cake on Twitter offered to mail me a dozen of his bakery Baked AF‘s new cereal-inspired confections, I couldn’t help but start raking my front yard into a zen garden whilst camped out catching koi in Animal Crossing, all in anticipation of the coming mail carrier, who would bestow a satchel of divine delicacy upon me like an unknowing bodhisattva.

*I don’t mess around when it coming to doughnut dunking.
*I also colloquially call this dense nectar “Thickers Coffee Creamer.” Continue reading

Spooned & Spotted: Bob Ross – The Joy of Cereal

Bob Ross The Joy of Cereal at FYE

To all those elementary school art teachers who told me I’d “never make it in life” if I kept “talking about eating paint”: look at me now, doubters! The one you called a “disruption” in 3rd grade is now disrupting the cereal journalism world. Seriously, does the world need more Vincent van Play-Dohs, or someone who can see a placid bowl of milk as a blank canvas?

(I owe it to all those tempting saucers of Elmer’s for priming my mind to love creamy dairy.)

If there’s anyone who would have nurtured my longtime love of interpretive cereal art, it would’ve been Bob Ross. Hailing from the same class of divine earthly kindness shepherds as Mr. Rogers, the late Robert Norman “Bob” Ross has seen his legacy of nonjudgemental encouragement and zen-like countenance revived in recent years, as an increasingly troubling world calls for innocent escapism into the ever-accepting landscapes of Bob’s paintings. Heck, you can still watch The Joy of Painting marathons streamed on Twitch each weekend—certainly a better weekend plan than downing a couple glasses of Pantone Punch*.

*Goes without saying, but please do not ever drink paint—just swirl some food coloring into your endmilk instead. Continue reading

Review: Tropical Froot Loops from Mexico!

Kellogg's Mexico Tropical Froot Loops Review Box

(Note: the box got a just a little dinged during its journey North. Must’ve been hungry carrier pigeons.)

Look, are we all just going to ignore the fact that, before Tropical Froot Loops, Toucan Sam clearly had no idea what fruit is?

And I’m not talking the layperson’s misclassification of pumpkins and tomatoes as vegetables—follow your nose deep into your noggin and try to remember the last time you heard Froot Loops’ lifelong spokesbird actually reference a real fruit by name. Lemonberries, starberries, wildberries: all ambiguous amalgamations of nature’s genuine bounty invented to hide the fact that “Froot” is much less of a natural flavor than it is a state of mind kids can tastefully chase outside the bounds of reality and into whichever adjacent universe where the grass is limeberry green and the fruit salads are crunchy.

[Though to Sam’s credit, his original iteration did wear a fruit-flocked Carmen Miranda hat. My two-pronged rebuttal to this is a) toucans can’t pass the mirror test, so he’s likely never recognized his own headgear, and b) the first Toucan Sam was undoubtedly throttled by the current Toucan Sam’s slenderly feathered man fingers.]

Thankfully, Froot Loops in Mexico largely preserve the two-dimensional Toucan Sam design of yore, though the worryingly articulate prehensility with which he’s gripping the Tropical Froot Loop on this box still leaves me concerned he’ll snap—or at least snap half the universe away. Continue reading

Review: Trader Joe’s Cocoa Crunch Cereal

Trader Joe's Cocoa Crunch Cereal Review Box

My advertising headcanon:

The Trader Joe’s chief executive sits down to his moderately-priced (though sustainably sourced and crafted by local upper-class private school artisans) desk, attired in a three-piece Hawaiian print suit, and lays into his most recent scheme to take over weirdly specific niche markets. Sort of like J. Jonah Jameson, but with flip-flops.

“Darn it, Leonard!” His assistant’s name is Leonard, I’ve decided. “Bring me identical versions of classic sugary cereals, but without gluten! No more gluten! If it glutes, it goes!”

At this point, poor Leonard readjusts his glasses between harrowingly scribbled notes, too cowed to make eye contact with Mr. Joe. “Y-yes, T.J. Got it. And what should we do about the box art?”

A flash of wrath crosses Trader Joe’s face for an instant, before he reconsiders. “Class. That’s what the cereal aisle is missing. Come up with the most elegant possible image and slap it on both sides. Think minimal. We’ll save on advertising and appeal to kids at the same time.”

“Yes, T.J. But… how will tasteful stock photography draw in children?”

The ire returns. “Darn it, Leonard!” He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a small paperback book, slapping it on the desk as everyone in the building collectively winces. “This is what today’s youth want! Get me this author! She’s going to change everything!”

And that’s how Trader Joe’s recent box art came to be designed by Marie Kondo.

In another recent salvo toward more gluten-freedom, the company has paired its prior spheroid offering with a sister release—this one a bit more along traditional cereal lines. In both shape and constitution, Trader Joe’s Gluten Free Cocoa Crunch Cereal is unmistakably meant for comparison with Cocoa Puffs. It’s a puzzling move, then, to adorn the box with a deftly arranged photo of someone’s zakka-inspired place setting with the audacious phrase “serving suggestion.” But you know what? Fine. If that’s how we’re going to play it, then this review needs to go all-in.

Time to one-up this understated high-brow aesthetic. Continue reading

The Empty Bowl Episode Ten: The Court of King B-Daman

Kept you waiting, huh?

The Empty Bowl’s brief hiatus is over, and we’re back with the most subdued, welcoming and genial vengeance you’ve ever heard. For those who have yet to bring their daily anxieties back to an edible equilibrium, welcome to our milky oasis: The Empty Bowl is a podcast wherein Justin McElroy and I explore the latest goings-on in the news-o-sphere of airy new cereal spheres. But timely information is only our secondary goal—we’re mostly focused on inoculation against stress and bad vibes, as our munchie meditations hopefully hark back innocent memories, of when all us human souls were just swimming together in a primordial soup of stardust and Sprinkle Spangles.

In this tenth-most of episodes, we cover some upcoming Kellogg’s cereals, grill Honey Brunches of Oats’ meaty new flavors, and expose the legend of a Legend of Zelda cereal that time—and heroes of it—has largely forgotten.

If your day’s riddled with more worries than one episode can handle, you can find more 20–30 minute soothing soundscapes at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but they definitely influence our dreams, so be sure to send a few about milkshake jacuzzis.

News: Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch Cereal is Coming Soon!

Cap'n Crunch's Cotton Candy Crunch Cereal Box

(Photo via My County Market)

That’s what I love about Cap’n Crunch: he really knows how to C’ze the day.

Yes, reading the near-perfect alliteration of this blog post’s title allowed can give you an idea of just how fast my c-c-cardiovascular system is working to keep up with news this exciting. For after a couple doubled-down strawberry duds, Quaker’s quintessential cereal character is back with a wispy whirlwind of creativity, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Blueberry Pancake Crunch.

And speaking of never-before-seen innovation, Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch is poised to (somehow) be the first cereal to knit everyone’s favorite sugary skeins into spherical cereal form. This is a surprise to me at least, since the cult appeal of cotton candy foodstuffs like Bubble Yum and, uh, grapes? make the state fair classic a more logical pick for a carnival-themed cereal than…”berry.” Plus—and this one is definitely just me—the ridiculous charm of cotton candy personifications like The Monster and Rollercoaster Tycoon’s Candyfloss Stalls are just begging for a crossover commercial with someone like Cap’n Crunch.

And heck, why not throw in Scooby-Doo while they’re at it?

Though my thanks go to The Junk Food Aisle for first tipping me off to Cotton Candy Crunch’s product listing, additional gratitude goes to the kind folks at My County Market, who generously supplied the above photo that reveals the stuff’s cool two-toned Crunch Berries that I’d happily string onto fishing line to create a sticky-sweet necklace—the perfect accessory for getting scammed out of $12 at the ring toss.

We can likely expect Cotton Candy Crunch to hit most shelves through late spring, into early summer. Until then, let’s just hope it doesn’t debut with a cringe-worthy .gif of Cap’n Crunch doing “The CandyFloss Dance” from his favorite game “FortBite.”

News: Lucky Charms is Giving Away 15,000 Boxes of All Rainbow & Unicorn Marshmallows!

Lucky Charms All Marshmallows Giveaway Rainbows & Unicorns Box

What’s more emotionally resonant than 5,000 candles in the wind? 15,000 cardboard vessels bearing thousands more sugar-smithed unicorn heads riding a manifold wave of cresting rainbows.

And that’s before you add milk.

This ferociously (and fangoriously) devoured fantasy is more likely than you think: once again, Lucky Charms is giving away specially designed boxes of All Marshmallows—but this time, each 270g iridescent treasure chest is full of only rainbows and unicorns.

Continue reading