28

Apr. ’19

Review: Magic Spoon Cereal

Magic Spoon Cereal Review Boxes

What happens when cereal grows up?

The Trix Rabbit starts moonlighting, doing Easter photoshoots at Michaels.
Sonny directs an autobiopic, starring Jack Nicholson, about his frequent, Cocoa Puff-inspired escapes from various insane asylums.
And Cap’n Crunch, of course, continues his storied 3000-year legacy as an immortal cereal centurion, subsisting solely on the blood of rejected unicorns harvested from the dumpster behind a Kellogg’s factory.

Yes, aging doesn’t pair with cereal quite as well as milk—my stomach is no longer lined with Nintendium, and The Weather Channel’s Saturday morning lineup isn’t quite as compelling. But Magic Spoon Cereal is out to change that: with flashy packaging and four flavors inspired by classic sweet stuff, this new cereal startup prides itself on having more protein and fewer carbs than mainstream cereals, with keto friendliness and no grains or gluten.

Now all who have seen what I’m capable of on this blog know that my only dietary restriction is my imagination (and, uh, lactose), so it wasn’t the healthy promises that drew me to these cereals. It was the eye-popping box colors that pretty accurately reflect my day-to-day wardrobe’s palette, plus the fact that people are apparently getting served ads for this stuff after visiting my site.

I’m honored to be a worthy track-factor for global cereal lovers, and I’m thankful to the folks behind Magic Spoon Cereal for sending me a full variety pack for review. So stuff your face with buckwheat and calzones while you can, because where we’re going, we won’t need grains.

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27

Apr. ’19

News: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Swirls Paths with Kith

If wearing the milky dregs of a breakfast’s worth of Cinnamon Toast Crunch as a mustache isn’t enough of a cereal fashion statement to you, you’re in luck.

Launching today in Kith flagship stores and tomorrow in Tokyo locations, Cinnamon Toast Kith is the latest in a long line of licensed partnerships for the streetwear brand. Heck, in 2016 Cap’n Crunch did the same thing.

There are plenty of apparel and accessories in the line, but what really drew my interest was more edible than a purple bathrobe:

Cinnamon Toast Kith itself. A custom-branded box bears a not-so-groundbreaking medley of Chocolate nd Cinnamon Toast Crunch squares, plus CTC Churros to boot. While I would have been probably drawn to shell out for one if CTK tasted like molasses-slathered wallet lining, I’d imagine this unique pairing ot chocolate and cinnamon + noodly and normal textures still forms an interesting mouth climate.

You can learn more about Cinnamon Toast Kith (I’ve almost written Kix, a delicious Freudian slip, several times) here. And if you have a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Kith, or the ice cream x cereal treats they’re serving in store, tweet us a pic at @cerealouslynet.

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24

Apr. ’19

News: BJ’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch Pizookie

BJ's Cinnamon Toast Crunch Pizookie

The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Pizookie tops a buttery sugar cookie with vanilla ice cream and cinnamon sugar. No word on whether this will naturally evolve into a Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch seasonal variant (but it should!).

The pizookie, a pizza-shaped cookie, is a dangerous concept, for it implies the existence of cookie-shaped pizzas, an impulse dinne-ssert hybrid I would gladly dunk by the dozen into a mug-full of marinara before slam dunking my noggin into the nearest plush throw pillow.

And BJ’s, a national restaurant chain of 200+ locations, isn’t tempering my snack-splicing temptations. The latest in their line of deep and decadently dished cookie-pies is the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Pizookie. I’ll admit I dropped the ball on bringing you this news in a timely fashion—the CTC PZ actually released early this March, but I’ll claim justifiable ignorance, since the nearest BJ’s location to me is more than half a Mitten State away.

But today’s perhaps a better day than any for a penitent pizookie post, because it’s apparently National Free Pizookie Day (so practically Easter 2), and BJ’s is giving away free pizookies with any purchase of $9.95 or more. This of course means you can double-fist some savory ‘za in one hand and a sloppily spicy-sweet handful of swirled cinnamon in the other. Just don’t let any anchovies flop into the ice cream.

If this post inspires even one person to brighten their Hump Day with a tall lump of cinnamon-sprinkled vanilla bean, then my whole week will have been worth it. So go forth, fellow pizookers: go forth and be free (with any purchase of $9.95 or more).

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22

Apr. ’19

Spooned & Spotted: Peanut Butter Chex & Mermaid Cereal

General Mills New Peanut Butter Chex Cereal

I have a theory: Chex and Cheerios are both ethereally and cereally soul bonded.

See, every flavored variant of normal Chex has a direct flavor analogue in the Cheerios canon. Blueberry and Blueberry. Chocolate and Chocolate. Cinnamon and Oat Crunch. Vanilla and Frosted. Honey Nut and You Know What. I can only assume this portal between worlds was torn asunder by Fred Chexter, the protagonist of Chex Quest whose Zorching weapons are capable of interdimensional rifting.

And now, though Multigrain Peanut Butter Cheerios have long ago returned to their home planet (presumably to be eaten by Poochie), General Mills’ latest Chex flavor finally completes the better half of the best Cheerios variety on shelves: Chocolate Peanut Butter. Continue reading →

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20

Apr. ’19

News: Garbage Pail Kids Cereal is Hitting FYE…with Marshmallow Barf Bits?

The universe is all about balance. Land and sea. Sun and moon. Muffin tops and bottoms. That’s why the next logical, equalizing step for FYE after making a picturesquely peaceful Bob Ross cereal would have to be something both revolting and soul-squirming.

Perhaps forged from society’s collective reaction to Maple Bacon Donut Cereal, Garbage Pail Kids Cereal will bring upchuck-inspired marbits to enjoy in your kitchen, bathroom, or vomitorium.

As always, FYE is known for releasing $10+ collectible cereals like these, boasting pop cultural icons and generally generically flavored cereals that make better curio cabinet staples than pantry stockers. Garbage Pail Kids Cereal changes the typical oat-ringed equation slightly, swapping in “Crazy” rosy rice crisps. And for all the initial gross-out power the barf-bit marshmallows bring, there’s no indication that they’re anything more than colored sugar cylinders.

Guess they couldn’t reach the folks at Bertie Botts in time.

And in true GBK fashion, there are trading cards inside, as well. I’m not much of a fan of the series itself, but as long as this line has nothing to do with the uncanny creepiness of the Garbage Pail Kids movie (click with caution), I’m content condoning this cereal—mostly for its historical value as the first, and hopefully last, cereal themed after human bodily fluids.

Now I can safely shelf my idea for a Superman ice cream-colored cereal themed after the four humours.

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16

Apr. ’19

News: Vanilla Almond Raisin Bran Crunch is Coming Soon!

Raisin Bran Crunch Vanilla Almond Cereal Box

Somewhere high above Earth, heavenly bodies are gambling with our breakfast. Once or twice a year, the Raisin Bran sun, with his soul-melting smile, rolls dice using his twin scoops of divine electromagnetic balance to determine what the next Kellogg’s Raisin Bran cereal flavor will be.

Apple Strawberry.
Bunch-less Bananas.
Cranberries.
Uh…Omega-3 Flaxseed?

It’s true that ol’ Helios’ has had a mixed bag of cereal success stories, with most RB & Co. variants failing to outshine the legacy of unadulterated Raisin Bran Crunch. But Kellogg’s latest round of raisin-ed roulette feels a lot safer—and more promising—than previous iterations. It’s Vanilla Almond, and its closest limited edition kin is probably 2012’s post-sleeper hit Cinnamon Almond Raisin Bran.

Granted, Vanilla Almond already has a leg up on Cinnamon Almond by the simple inclusion of Crunch. Since the cereal’s scattered with almond slivers, my guess is that the vanilla will be infused into the granola clusters, which would be a clever complement to the honey already binding the sweetly sticky oats within.

No word on exactly when this cereal will drop, nor when a higher resolution box render will be available. But until this scoopin’ cereal sharpens up its act, I’d recommend all ‘nanner fans stock up on Raisin Bran with Bananas, as it’s likely to be sunsetted to give rise to this new nutty dawn. If you happen to know more about Vanilla Almond Raisin Bran Crunch, or any upcoming cereal, you can visit our Submissions page to share.

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14

Apr. ’19

Review: Blueberry Cheerios

General Mills New Blueberry Cheerios Review Cereal Box

With Violet Beauregarde, one of the Blue Man Group guys (the quiet, sensitive one), and Paul Giamatti’s character Marty Wolf in the seminal 2002 classic film Big Fat Liar as my witnesses, I will never stop preaching the good word of Kellogg’s Fruity Snacks—specifically the blueberry ones.

Ever since Scooby-Doo fruit snacks, another object of my analogical fixation, changed their packaging and recipe for the worse, Kellogg’s Fruity Snacks are undoubtedly the best bite-sized bits of gelatin you can find in the Snacks, Etc. aisle. In fact, I’d say they’re third in my personal gummy candy fandom, surpassed only by blue sharks (essentially blueberry Fruity Snacks that’ve evolved predatory instinct) and Venus de Milo herself.

Yes, the potently juicy flavor of each Kellogg’s Fruity Snack, be it straw-, rasp-, or blueberry, is both refined and instantly recognizable. But it’s that last cerulean snack—which I also love for looking like a video game mana potion—that I’ve most wanted to see translated into a cereal again. Too often in mixed berry cereals, the flavor scientists paint the whole flavortown red, giving little leeway for the subtlety of blueberry to shine through. Yet every time there’s been an exception, the result is wonderful—even if it inevitably results in discontinuation, too. Whether they’re Tiny Toasts (turned Toast Crunches) or Muffin Tops that inspire sponsored meals, blueberry cereal is a refreshing, yet underrated experience—much like the first swing set underdog during a brisk late-fall recess.

The moment I heard about Blueberry Cheerios, I hoped this was my chance to taste blueberry gummy jam spread across toasted grain once more. So no pressure, General Mills: but if you get this one wrong, you’ll have to sculpt me a gummy Dionysus as penance.

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12

Apr. ’19

The Empty Bowl Episode Eleven: The Crossed Wands of Waldo and Jarvis

That’s the thing about bowls: they always come a-round again.

Yes, Justin McElroy and I have steeped ourselves once more in the cosmically flowing milk of human kindness to bring you another 23-minute escape from the doldrums of today and into the cereal world of tomorrow. It’s an intentionally subdued show into which you can submerge both your worries and your Mini-Wheats, as the crashing sounds of a pasteurized ocean turn them mushy and easier to handle.

In our eleventh episode, we talk melt-in-your-mouth Cap’n Crunch and the droll joy of pharmacological Phroot Loops, before turning a sculptor’s eye to a few cereal mascots who could use a modern makeover.

If this episode alone can’t soggify your sorrows, you can find more 20–30 minute O-shaped odyssies at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but they make great conversation starters at the office water 2% cooler.

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