Review: Birthday Cake Froot Loops Cereal

Oof.

Ugh.

Yeugh, even.

Can I be real for a second? Wholly honest? I am sick of this sugar ring cereal “trend.” It’s lazy, it’s cheap, it’s boring, and it’s downright disrespectful to cereal fans excited for creative new spins on breakfast favorites. Kellogg’s is the primary offender here, spreading a plague of plodding fruity-ish riffs on the same vapid formula. It seems that ever since they got the cloyingly-hooped formula right with Pink Donut Cereal, they’ve been letting the idea decay and fester, with each imitative iteration outdoing its predecessor by dulling my taste buds even more—to the point where my sweet tooth has devolved into a salty tooth.

So even though Canada’s interpretation of Birthday Cake Froot Loops was pretty solid, every single American take on birthday cake for breakfast has flopped with the grace of a flip-flop stomping on Cookie Puss. So I had no excitement going into Kellogg’s stateside rendition of Birthday Cake Froot Loops—hence why I saved it for last out of all the new Kellogg’s Cereals.

Well, except for Baby Shark Cereal, whose upcoming review will likely be the same as this one, just simplified with epithets even a YouTube-loving child could understand. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 1 rating, birthday cake, froot loops. 10 Comments

Aug. ’19

Review: 7-Eleven Cereal Sweets – “Fruity Hoops Cereal in Pink Confection”

Ugh, is there anything in the world less appealing than Pink Confection?

…oh, wait, we’re not talking about McDonald’s nugget slurry? Allow me to revise:

Uhh, is there anything in the world that sounds less appealing than Pink Confection?

Sure, I’m aware of confections and the color pink, but I’m unsure I’ve ever seen those two words in tandem—not even on bags of Frosted Animal Cookies. Even a Google search of “Pink Confection” only turns up results for 7-Eleven’s Detective Pikachu candy bars, which lead us to believe the stuff is made from 100% All-American Angus Snubbull.

Oh, and there’s this tremendous articulation of the English language, as found in a 1962 issue of The New York Times:

Pink Confection Is Appealing Token of Love; Real Roses Adorn Light Cake for a Valentine Can Be Frozen

Well doesn’t that just tell us everything we need to know about the Froot Loopiest of 7-Eleven’s 7-Select Cereal Sweets bars?

These real-cereal-infused bars also come in not-Cinnamon Toast Crunch (in milk chocolate) and fake Fruity Pebbles (in an equally dubious White Confection), but I chose the one bearing “Fruity Hoops,” partly because the cinnamon one seemed too ‘safe,’ and partly because I love rosy hues, even when they’re in something that sounds like it’s been perfectly processed through an android unicorn colon.

Alright, I’ve roasted pink confection enough. Let’s give this bar a break!

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, froot loops, non cereal. 1 Comment

Aug. ’19

News: 3 More Unicorn Charms & a Cookie-less Christmas

If your first reaction to this news is, “Where have you been for the last month, Dan?” then you and I feel similarly.

A magical rainbow🌈turned Lucky's Unicorn🦄into 3 more colorful friends! #magicallydelicious pic.twitter.com/OniPGQSvx8

— Lucky Charms (@LuckyCharms) July 25, 2019

Though it’s been nearly a month since Lucky Charms introduced three new colorways to their equestrian arsenal of marshmallows, I only found out about them last night.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: lucky charms, toast crunch. 3 Comments

Aug. ’19

Review: Strawberry Crunch Krave

If you’re reading this, my mission was a success: I’ve hacked the Kelloggian satellite array and beamed my desperate plea directly into the heads of the cereal company’s board of directors. Now that I have the c-suite’s attention, I only have one request:

Please, please make a Peanut Butter Crunch Krave.

It’s true: while eating this new Strawberry Crunch Krave, I couldn’t help but think, yearn, and mentally mewl for a crunchy companion worth combining into my favorite (also crunchy…or creamy) elementary school sandwich. This urge was so strong that I even wished Cinnamon Crunch Krave, which I already enjoyed, could be sacrificed to whatever shadowy cabal of choco-vores hold the cosmic power to make my dream a reality.

While it may sound like I’m deflecting, this is the best compliment I can give Strawberry Crunch Krave. Because it’s good. So good, in fact, that I could eat it pureed and spread onto toast. Allow me to elaborate—oh, and if the Kellogg’s execs are still reading this, PayPal-ing me a dowry for my courageous Kravery wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

How’s about a few bucks and an ivory steed?

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, kellogg's, krave. 9 Comments

Aug. ’19

The Empty Bowl Episode Seventeen: Gummin’ Goldfish

What do polygonal cereals, powdered pillows, and and the graham-focused platform of The Cereal Movement have in common?

They’re all talking points—or at least blunt edges—in The Empty Bowl’s latest 30-minute lullaby. For those tragically high-strung few who’ve yet to decompress with our light and loose explorations of variously dense cereals, clear your mind and schedule: crunch time has never felt so blissful.

In this episode, Justin and I hype up a potential new Golden Age for Lucky Charms, get oily with Chocolate Peanut Butter Pops, and cool off with a couple iced cereal beverage ideas.

If you want to keep up The Cereal Movement’s momentum, you can find more bubbly cereal soapboxes at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but they’ll be your birthday gift to me.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. 2 Comments

Aug. ’19

Review: Cinnamon Crunch Krave

Quick: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Because that may be the key to understanding which pillow—and corresponding cinnamon pillow cereal is right for you.

I’ll leave you to chew on that while I do a proper review intro.

So what’s the deal with chocolate and cinnamon? Though it has a place in many Mexican chocolates and specialty cinnamon buns, this spicy–sweet combo is uncommon when compared to chocolate and peanut butter, strawberry, or caramel. The only cereals I’ve known to try it are a ho-hum Kashi Shredded Wheat and Chocolate Toast Crunch—which is much heavier on the Choco-love than the Cinna-mania.

Yet here’s Krave (a cereal that, by right of its apparent divisiveness, very rarely gets limited edition variants) bringing that bold duo to the breakfast aisle’s forefront. I’ve long been an ardent defender of Krave’s honor—the folks who say it tastes like dog food change their tune real fast when you offer to square up in the alley behind PetSmart—but after S’Mores’ lackluster performance, but if Cinnamon Crunch blows up in my face, I may have to flip to Pop-Tarts Cereal’s cooler side of the stuffed pillow. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, chocolate, cinnamon, kellogg's, krave. 3 Comments

Aug. ’19

News: Lucky Charms Magically Delicious Marshmallows!

Though the era of McDonald’s “supersize me” option has been gut-wrenchingly sent to a highly processed farm upstate, at least someone is retaining the spirit of giga-scopic food enlargement.

And of all cryptozoological people, it’s Lucky the Leprechaun?

I’m not entirely surprised by this—Lucky has been exceptionally puckish lately—but the surprise doesn’t need to be bigger than my stomach. Nor can it be when it comes to full-size, fully bagged and Jet-Puffed Lucky Charms marshmallows.

Mimicking three of the cereal’s iconic marbit charms—moons, clovers, hearts and non-shooting stars (which, uhhh, aren’t actually Lucky Charms marshmallows)—these ‘mallows don’t mimic the texture or taste of real Charm-bits, either. They’re simply s’more-ready, vanilla-flecked marshmallows.

Ooh, now I’ve got an idea: freshly bonfired Moon-pies. Hope I don’t get dunked on by their Twitter account for that.

According to Lucky Charms, these marshmallows are already available in stores. As I look for them, I’ll be sure to eat plenty of gravel, so that my intestines are already braced for the impact of a whole bowl of these squishy suckers doused in milk. Wait, isn’t that how they make napalm?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: lucky charms, news. 2 Comments

Aug. ’19

Review: Cookies & Crème Pop-Tarts Cereal

Look, I know, deep down, that I am but a flake fragment stuck between two cogs within the grand corporate cereal machine, but can’t a crumb dream of being a marbit?

By this I mean: I seriously doubt anything I’ve written on this website has ever influenced a cerealsmith’s grand designs—though if Blueberry Muffin Toasters hits shelves, I will claim peripheral clout by right of Justinian association. But in my imagination, I like to pretend that something like Cookies & Crème Pop-Tarts Cereal was made with a picture of me on an easel, connected with string to a bran map of all my favorite flavor descriptors.

Yes, that sounds narcissistic, but my birthday is next week, so give me a break.
And yes, I know, unsubtly mentioning my upcoming birthday isn’t much better.

C’mon though, a merger of Oreo O’s and Pop-Tarts? Sure, they could’ve picked any of my more-obscure, all-time favorite Pop-Tarts (Milk Chocolate Graham, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, or Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal Delight), but the only cereals more quintessentially dan g. would be a PB&J Waffle Crisp or Gingerbread Golden Grahams!

Ahem, Post and General Mills? Next week, remember? You’re not invited to my all-night laser tag lock-in without presents.

Okay, enough about me: let’s write about these little sandwich cookie pillows entirely in the second and third persons. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, cookies and cream, kellogg's, pop-tarts. 4 Comments