Spooned & Spotted (Canada): Tim Hortons Timbits Cereal!

Ooh, this one hits me hard. Hard as a quarter-empty 50-pack of Timbits left behind at an executive meeting that was later scavenged and greedily gobbled by me like a feral Pac-Man.

As a lifelong Michigander, I’m no stranger to Tim Hortons. In fact, I have a nostalgic, pliable and doughy soft spot for the place, as it conjures fond memories: of my dad buying me chocolate chip muffins. Memories of my high school self bicycling out of school at lunchtime like a bat out of hell to make it to Timmy’s before they stopped making maple oatmeal. And of course, memories of my more recent self scavenging and gobbling Timbits like a feral Pac-Man.

Waka waka waka, and yada yada yada: the point is that Canada is getting exclusive Timbits Cereals to celebrate what may arguably be the northwest hemisphere’s most beloved doughnut holes.

A few things are still unclear about these Post-produced products. When will they come out? Will there be more flavors beyond Chocolate Glazed and Birthday Cake (I’m lookin’ at you, Apple Fritter)? And who will trebuchet 90kg of this stuff 300m over the MI–CA border for me?

No matter the answers, I can conclusively say that as a fan of both doughnuts and doughnut cereals, I’m excited to see if these boxed dozens can bring zen to my breakfast table.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: birthday cake, canada, chocolate, spooned & spotted. 3 Comments

Oct. ’19

Spooned & Spotted: Hostess Twinkies Cereal

Somebody call Cap’n Crunch, because there are some new golden doubloons hitting the breakfast table.

For the past three months, “Twinkies Cereal” has been phantasmically dancing atop the tongues of cereal lovers like Twinkie the Kid at whatever spectral square-dance they send brand mascots to to purgatorily pass time in between discontinuations. Sure, we’ve seen the theoretical box for a while, but Post has a (recent) history of leaking cereal ideas that never end up amounting to anything.

Stay gold, Teddy Grahams Cereal. Stay golder than a Golden Graham.

But any doubt about these crunchy golden sponge-cakelets can finally be put to rest (in the family plot, between Fruit Pie the Magician and Happy Ho Ho). Thanks to continued correspondent Devin, we now have clear optics on the fully produced cereal itself, meaning it’s rapidly approaching release. And while it certainly looks just about how you’d expect—tragically, without the tiny, cream-stuffed exhaust holes on the bottom—Devin also provided his synopsis of the flavor:

“Tastes a lot like the Donettes cereal. The cereal itself seems familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it…”

With a forecast that titillating, I now feel I must steel my taste buds to try and recognize any arcane analogues. Here’s hoping it’s closer to “bowl full of mini Golden Oreos” than “bowl full of Golden Oreo O’s.”

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: Hostess, post, spooned & spotted. 2 Comments

Oct. ’19

News: Kellogg’s Frozen II Cereal

Let’s be real: if you’ve been keeping up with the cereal trend that’s been pushing me over the edge of polite and bloggerly cereal fanboyism toward the turgid wastelands of frustration and Snickerless un-me-ness, you might know what meme I plan to end this blurb with.

Yes, Kellogg’s keeps releasing boring cereals. They’re either fake-fruity loops or, well, they’re Frozen II Cereal: another licensed Lucky Charms knock-off that’s the exact same thing as Frozen Cereal, but with a new box. There are bland oat pieces. There are white snowballs and blue something-or-others. The point is, I didn’t expect anything more from a movie cereal, but I was at least hoping for a reason to review it. I’m sure there’s a young Frozen fan in your life who will demand this cereal with icy determination, but you might be better off dicing up some grocery store carrot cake and tossing it into a bowl of Donettes.

Now, to fulfill my promise:

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kellogg's, movie cereals. 3 Comments

Oct. ’19

News: Kellogg’s Elf on the Shelf Cereal, Ryan’s World Cereal & Llama Loops

Oh, Kellogg’s. Are you a mercenary now? A contract cereal killer? Blink twice if you’re embroiled too deep in a dark web conspiracy.

Look, I’ve already whined about and refused to further dine on Kellogg’s generic sugar loop cereal epidemic, but these three upcoming Kellogg’s releases suggest there’s a bigger problem: (sugar) cookie cutter partnerships. I know, I know, lazy movie cereals have been a breakfast trend since the Forced death of original ideas like C-3POs, but now that Kellogg’s jumped the Baby Shark, it seems the floodgates have been opened for other shadily proprietary entities to easily buy (or be bought for, who knows) their own blasé breakfasts. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: holiday, kellogg's, news. 4 Comments

Oct. ’19

Coming Soon: Three New Rice Krispies Treats!

That teal…that shade of uniquely aquamaritime teal.

It’s not too late to mend your heretical misdoings, Kellogg’s, and to put this color on this product makes my heart snap, my joints pop, and my stomach crackle with rage.

Err, that last one might’ve been the spicy tikka masala, but my vitriol stands. Yes, I’m talking about the original, perfectly poised and turquoised Rice Krispies Treats Cereal box, which is the cornerstone of my (largely intact) theory that all cereals in teal boxes are bound for greatness, or at least cult appeal. Sprinkle Spangles. Cinnabon Cereal. Cinnamon Roll Fillows. And even Toasted Coconut Cheerios now. The only outlier here is Maple Bacon Donuts Cereal and its putridly glazed porkiness, but I choose to willfully ignore it—after all, it was a clear, anarchistic gimmick of a cereal that was likely tailor made to send my pet theories to a farm upstate. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kellogg's, rice krispies. Leave a comment

Oct. ’19

Review (x3!): Borden Farms State Fair Inspired Milks

(Yes, I know the best by date is before I post this—rest assured, I tested them literally just in time before it was too late.)

Heh, if you thought the economic prognosis for cereal was grim, then its perennial bowlfellow is facing an udderly dire future.

Of course, as active eaters are focusing on more energizing breakfasts, and as dairy consumption is plummeting by the billions of dollars, interest in milk alternatives is increasing amongst consumers across all levels of lactose tolerance. Oat milk, especially, is taking off as the hippest, sippest stuff to put on your cereal—especially if you’re eating a creepy–corny cereal that desperately needs to throwback to the good oat days.

In a radical effort to make milk more appealing to modern kids, Borden Farms has launched three State Fair-inspired milk flavors in select, fair-friendly states. Symbolically implying a situation wherein a blue-ribbon 4H cow broke loose from the clumsy trappings of man to storm the deep-fried fairway before being milked by opportunistic carnies looking to get the most bang out of their heifer-heisted buck, these milks bring Blueberry Cobbler, Banana Taffy, and Cotton Candy to the breakfast table.

Overlooking the clear missed opportunity for a caramelized Funnel Cake Milk (milked from real elephant ears!), this potent lineup of tastes was kindly sent to me by Borden’s Elsie the Cow herself, who pseudo-calmly reminded me between moos that I simply must squat on my stoop in anticipation of a shipment that must be refrigerated immediately in order to keep her sweet nectar crisp and uncurdled.

Well, mission accomplished, Elsie. I don’t do many milk reviews on this site, but given that atomically hued milks are practically begging to be poured atop flavorfully complementary cereals, I couldn’t resist the chance to get a little artsy with my pairings. Here’s hoping I at least get a participation ribbon in the Pastoral Landscapes category. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: banana, blueberry, cotton candy, non cereal. 5 Comments

Oct. ’19

News: Target Launches Market Pantry Cereal Bowl Ice Cream

You know, if it weren’t for the Country Music Awards, we might not be in this mess.

See, the use of “Cereal,” “Cereal Bowl” or any other such noshing nomenclature really needs to be standardized. When a company tries to infuse cereal flavor into a distinctly non-cereal entity, there’s no bottom line for quality control or forced respect for the wild diversity of cereal flavor available. Much like the Food & Drug Administration, I feel we need to establish a similar agency to ensure we don’t grow complacent with plain ol’ cinnamon as the generic stand-in for cerealized snacks.

Such a bureau would have to be called the Cereal & Milk Administration, but who would take our acronym seriously?

Now I’m not knocking on Target’s Market Pantry store brand, but out of all the possible iconic cereal tastes you could choose as the stuff’s ice cream ambassador, the likeness of Cinnamon Toast Crunch—itself an interpretation of a different breakfastuff—seems underwhelming compared to the possibilities presented by Froot Loops, Golden Grahams, or even Crunch Berries.

But hey, if Cereal Bowl Ice Cream sounds right up your aisle, don’t let my mildly lactose-intolerant mewling take your eyes off the prize. I’ll still probably buy it, just to spite my intestines.

They’ve been getting reeeeeal cocky lately. Someone’s gotta put ’em in their place.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon toast crunch, non cereal. 1 Comment

Oct. ’19

The Empty Bowl Episode Twenty: Cereal in the Monastic Tradition

Feelin’ blue? Then we’re berry excited (Justin’s joke, not mine) to share something that might make a grey day a little milky-whiter.

After a fourish week hiatus, Justin and I are back in The Empty Bowl to close out our “first season” with Episode XX. For the temperamentally troubled and unfamiliar, The Empty Bowl is an ever-placid voyage across a bottomless sea of milk—milk known for its epsom-esque therapeutic properties.

In this twentieth of all episodes, we cover a glutting gauntlet of upcoming blueberry cereals, juxtapose the highs & lows of coconuts & Chocula, and lend our expert advice to a few listeners with pressing pantry inquiries.

If you want to hear us talk until we’re proverbially blue in the face, you can find nineteen other episodes of cereal seafaring at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one helps put a Crunchling through college.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. 1 Comment