Review: Kellogg’s Froot Loops Pop-Tarts

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards breakfast to be born?

Seriously: if you showed me the above product 30 years ago, my dad would be putting a fist in your soon-to-be-twinkling eye. But seriously Cerealously: I’ve become so accustomed to the notion of Pop-Tarts as a cereal that I hardly stopped to consider the infinite opportunity within its inverse.

Now, Froot Loops probably wouldn’t be my first choice for a co-branded Kellogg’s Crunch-Tart. I would’ve picked Raisin Bran or Cocoa Krispies, if only so they could be called Snap, Crackle Pop-Tarts. But nevertheless, this sort of fusion you’d think would be forbidden by church and state alike has come to my bruncheon nook

Churning and churning in my widening stomach
The Toucan cannot hear the toaster;
Crust falls apart, the filling cannot hold;
Iced anarchy is Looped upon my bowl. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: froot loops, kellogg's, pop-tarts. 3 Comments

Feb. ’20

News: Kellogg’s Sponge on the Run SpongeBob Cereal

“Hey Patrick, what am I now?”

“Uhh…cheap & uninspired?”

“No, I’m Kellogg’s!”

“What’s the difference?!”

Look, I’m ready for a new SpongeBob Cereal as much as the next square, but this? For a sponge that’s already been put through the wringer by staffing changes and ongoing Flanderization, Robert and his late-’90s childhood-defining reputation deserve better.

See, Kellogg’s “new” SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal, launching to promote this May’s Sponge on the Run, is a lazily deceptive union of existing Kellogg’s releases. The dreadfully bland vanilla pieces will be familiar to anyone who’s tried Kellogg’s last dump of cinematic cereals. Granted, these squares are a bit denser and have a more multigrained appeal than other cheap corn puffs, but it’s a bit unforgivable that Sponge on the Run Cereal recycles the same marbits seen way back in 2003’s SpongeBob Cereal—without the unique Jellyfish shaped pieces!

At least General Mills’ chintzy Bikini Bottom cash grab fruit-flavored its Sponge & Pat-shaped swill:

So now, instead of dignifying this DoodleBob of a cereal with any more words—oh, there are also Rice Krispies Treats that taste the same but with SB on the packaging—I will instead list Sponge-worthy flavors Kellogg’s could’ve explored:

Kelp, Glove, Sandwich Made with Jellyfish Jelly, Fried Oyster Skin, Seanut Brittle, Bobby Sauce, or of course, Triple Gooberberry Sunrise. Heck, I’d even take a Nasty Patty Cereal at this point.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kellogg's, movie cereals. 2 Comments

Feb. ’20

Review: Coffee Mate Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer

Sure, Dr. Robotnik might be smart in the 2020 Valentine’s Day box office darling Sonic the Hedgehog, but can he see why caffeine-addicted young adults love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer?

It’s got cinnamon sugar swirls in every swig: it’s the taste that can seep!

Jokes and flossing hedgehogs aside, something’s been messing with my brain: the fact that we’ve gotten more semifluid additions to the Toast Crunch family lately than we have crunchable cereals.

Coupled with Malt-O-Meal’s successful reintroduction of Blueberry Muffin Toasters, this leaves me wondering whether Cinnamon Toast Crunch, ostensibly one of cereal’s most iconic names, is stagnating as a brand. I mean, the last Toast Crunch we got was just the same thing cylinderized! Where’s the return of Peanut Butter Toast Crunch? Where’s the PB&J sequel to Peanut Butter Toast Crunch I just thought of? And the trilogy-closing Elvis Toast Crunch that many critics would call “breakfast’s most cinematic feat”?

Sorry, I might just be jaded and jittery thanks to this taste test. I promise I’m not dismissing Coffee Mate’s new Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer before the review even starts—I’m just a mildly lactose intolerant cereal blogger who wants to get back to his oat milk. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, non cereal, toast crunch. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

The Empty Bowl Episode Twenty-Six: Risky Shrapnel

A C D F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S V W X Y.

Now that there’s an episode for each letter of the alphabet, the only things we’re missing above are TEB, U and some sweet Zs. If you’re in the market for a crunchy podcast with cozy vibes, look no further: my and Justin‘s (roughly) biweekly soaks in heaven’s hottest cereal jacuzzi are meant to chill you out (and possibly knock you out!) by detuning the world in favor of casual, breakfast-centric discussion.

This time around, we’re sharing some tragic news about one of our favorite cereals, choking down chunkfuls of Sippable Toast Crunch, and considering the possibility of too much cereal.

If you’re tired of looping your ABCs to fall asleep, you can find more episodes at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but they’re much more pleasing to our eyes than cinnamon slurry.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Froot Loops White Chocolate Easter Bunny

What’s that old Froot Loops slogan again? “Follow your ears…to transcend earthly spheres!” Or something like that.

The point is that, through some unexpected matchmaking between Kellogg’s and candymaker Frankford, our world has birthed a warren of White Chocolate Froot Loops Easter Bunnies, each capable of supplementing their big-beaked father’s apparent lack of audio-capturing organs. With his sense of smell and these rabbits’ lengthy lobes, Toucan Sam’s many enemies will no longer be able to sneak up on him.

Samuel’s senses have become too powerful for this plane, and the only way for us to prevent rainbow-looped Ragnarok is to eat as many of these rascally reconnaissance rabbits as possible.

Though February has hardly even begun to let loose her polar powdered wrath, these edible heralds of Punxsutawney Phil’s prophesied early spring have already been spotted by Cerealously pal Sammy Hain at Big Lots. Naturally, the best move when you get your hands on a Froot Loops Easter Bunny will be to slice it up with a cheese cutter and serve it atop Froot Loops Pop-Tarts like a cardiac-arresting charcuterie board.

(Conversely, the worst move would be to try toasting these hares like said Pop-Tarts, but that’s between you and your kitchen appliances.)

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: easter, froot loops, kellogg's, non cereal. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

Review: Yoplait Trix & Cinnamon Toast Crunch Smoothies

Milk? Never heard of her. Is that some fermented barnyard beverage, like a cow-bucha?

I mean, it’s 2020: we’ve got more viscous things to pour over our cereal. While many make a New Year’s resolution to get thinner, there’s a skim-to-none chance that I don’t spend the year progressively thickening my breakfast additives.

Case in point: new Yoplait Trix & Cinnamon Toast Crunch Smoothies, two chuggable recontextualizations of popular cereals that are likely not meant to join their namesake noshes in bowl-y matrimony—though I am hellbent on doing so anyway. These bottles come four to a clumsily constructed cardboard pack (seriously, put these in a separate bag or you’ll end up bungling a liter of chilled Trix sauce down your front steps), and conveniently contain exactly enough smoothie to douse a bowl of cereal.

But of course, I must slug ’em back raw before any experimentation. So forgive me as I make whatever wretched noises accompany the process of “opening up one’s throat.” Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, non cereal, toast crunch, trix. 1 Comment

Feb. ’20

Review: Timbits Cereal (Birthday Cake & Chocolate Glazed)

Bits.

We all love ’em.

Or at least I do. I love all bits, whether it’s exponentially sugar-fortified cereal dust, forgotten salt-stewed French fry-lets, or the last messy bite of a restaurant meal that you saved as a parting gift for yourself after boxing up the rest of the leftovers—the very same last bite you had to awkwardly tell the waiter you were saving as he’s midway through lifting the plate from your desperate mitts. Or maybe that’s just me.

No matter how you spin it, I’ll always love bits more than pieces. Well, unless it’s those honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces. And I wouldn’t be surprised if my strange bit-diction stems from a long childhood relationship with Timbits: those lovable lil totally-not-doughnut-holes from Tim Hortons that just about any teacher who had a hope of winning their class’ trust would bring in by the party pack-ful on syllabus day.

Though Tim Hortons and his namesake ‘bits were a source of warm nostalgia for my fellow Michiganders, the coffee chain is a more deeply in-granulated cultural epicenter in its country of origin, Canada. So it makes sense that the first ever Timbits Cereal would be released exclusively north of the states—even if I firmly believe my mitten of origin should be considered an annexed state of the Hortonian Empire. Thanks to Cereal Time’s Gabe Fonseca, I was able to secure boxes of both Timbits Cereal flavors, Birthday Cake and Chocolate Glazed.

So let’s all grab a coffee, PBR coffee, or perhaps some strange soup of poutine and Labatt Blue and see if these itty bitty Timbits are a slam dunk. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: birthday cake, canada, chocolate, post. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

The Empty Bowl Episode Twenty-Five: Raisins on Raisins

I know what you’ve been eating.

I saw it, don’t try to hide it.

You’ve been getting in the Grape-Nuts again, haven’t you?

Sorry if that doesn’t make any sense, but it will after you remedy my accusatory intro with The Empty Bowl’s latest half-hourish audio antidote. Hint: we’re asking about your secret cereal.

Welcome back into the sky’s balming bowl for a twenty-fifth time. My and Justin‘s meditative cereal podcast, The Empty Bowl, is back to discuss everything from Cheerios Oat Crunch (again) to Toops, and every idea from Raisin Bran 2 to the best Cookie Crisp never made.

If you need a longer soundtrack to your secret cereal scarfing, you can find more episodes at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, I treasure each one like it’s a Cap’n Crunch chest.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. Leave a comment