Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch & Lucky Charms Light Ice Cream

I’m putting on my waffle cone chainmail and wielding a shield forged from molten maraschino cherries, because what I’m about to say will no-doubt spark a meltdown in the frozen brains of whole-blooded ice cream diehards everywhere:

I like light ice cream.

Yes, I know it has a lot less authentic milk fat, and I know there’s a certain broad threshold between light ice cream and ‘frozen desserts’ that further muddles the clarity of creamishness involved. But I’m also a grown baby with sensitive teeth and a mild lactose problem, so something soft and tolerably intolerable is a lot more appealing than a brick of pasteurized pain in my gut.

I like to think that Edy’s/Dreyer’s made this pair of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms ice creams light solely so I, their favorite cereal reviewer, could safely discuss them. I know, in reality, that it was a matter of cost, but hey: let me have this fantasy as I go scoop deep into churned versions of General Mills’ two most spun-off cereals. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, ice cream, lucky charms, non cereal, toast crunch. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

News: Golden Grahams S’Mores Toaster Strudel

Look at that supple off-brown coloring.
The choco-mallow paste-full thickness of it.
Oh my god, it even has an icing mark.

Truly, the above product’s visage is enough to make any appetite go psycho: I mean, my favorite mainstream cereal (and also the most underrated), Golden Grahams? Paired with its natural complementary flavors and baked into a flaky brick of striated goo? Not even the grim deadlights of the Pillsbury Doughboy—who appears to be filled with more botox than biscuit dough by this point–could stop me from inserting these puppies into my mouth like buttery 8-track tapes.

First shared by Candy Hunting, S’Mores Golden Grahams Toaster Strudel is the latest freezer aisle-exclusive spinoff for a cereal that rarely gets any. Granted, S’Mores Toaster Strudel isn’t exactly a new phenomenon, as we’ve seen them in both 2013 and 2016. But hey, you could slap a Golden Grahams logo on a box of plain ol’ Teddy Grahams and I’d blissfully hibernate in a cave built purely of compact crumbs.

Despite the complete box art, there’s no set release date for this cereal Toaster Strudel variety, but don’t let that stop you from whittling a S’Mores Pop-Tart into a haphazard cereal spoon.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, golden grahams, non cereal, s'mores. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

News: Gluten-Free Cinnamon Cheerios

For whom does the Cheery Oat Crunch?

It crunches for thee.

In what initially feels like a redundant regression—imagine, after half a decade enjoying the GameCube, Nintendo dropped the N65—General Mills is bringing Cinnamon Cheerios to shelves as we speak. It sounds like quite the downgrade from Cheerios Cinnamon Oat Crunch, but since these Cinnamon Cheerios are gluten-free, they still fill an important niche for those who want spicy-sweet Cheerios without the stomach-upsetting starch.

As General Mills already has extensive experience with cinnamon in the Toast Crunchiverse, I have to wonder whether Cinnamon Cheerios will share CTC’s oh-so-sweet approach to cinnamon, or if it will be a more wholesome, tempered, and gut-warming experience. Either way, I’ve already heard early spottings of Cinnamon Cheerios in stores, so whether you have a vendetta against gluten or granola, these auburn rings might be worth (safely) seeking out.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cheerios, cinnamon, general mills. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

News: Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch is Returning for 2020!

Yes, Cocoa Puffs: think outside the sphere!

It may be a 9-year old idea, but Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch is a cereal I’ve wanted to see back on shelves for a while now—partly because I’ve never tried it, but mostly because it appears to be a blessed four-sided union between Cocoa Puffs, Cookie Crisp, Chocolate Cheerios, and…Double Chocolate Krave?

Coming this August, 2020’s Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch mimics 2011’s box design right down to the oven mitts—the only thing missing this time is the unsettling chocolate schmear on Sonny’s face.

With this spring’s return of Fudge Brownie M&M’s, here’s hoping I won’t need to dunk a Duncan Hines-worth of those plunkers in a bowl of Brownie Crunch Cocoa Puffs to get the rich, eggy fudge goodness promised by a bold word like Brownie. But hey, if nothing else, there’s always a quart of Dutch chocolate milk to do the dirty work for me.

Our thanks again to Cereal Life, who appears to have a very valuable GM inside scoop, for the tip.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cocoa puffs, general mills. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

News: Chex Quest HD Will Be Free-To-Play on Steam This Summer!

If you showed the above image to a young me, two decades ago, I would rocket out of the Garfield library book (you know the ones) I had my nose buried lasagna-deep in and call dibs on playing as the Wheat Chex Warrior.

Yes, this has been an extradimensionally surreal week for me and millio—err, thousands…well, maybe just dozens of diehard Chex Quest fans like me. At the ripe, but far from stale, age of 24, the Chex Quest franchise has a bizarre history that spans imagination and risked litigation. If you aren’t familiar with the origin story that’s brought us to this post, I highly recommend reading my previous two articles on the game: a full history of the original trilogy, and a teaser-debuting interview with Charles Jacobi, who art directed the original Chex Quest, lovingly made Chex Quest 3, and is now helming Chex Quest HD production.

But in short, here’s a bullet-pointed breakdown: Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: chex, chex quest, general mills, news. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

News: Frosted Flakes with Tony-Inspired Marshmallows!

Are we entering another renaissance of sugar sculpting?

Ever since the esteemed Marshelangallow crafted an anatomically accurate, marbled marbit miniature of the Statue of David, sacred cereal marshmallow geometry has only been going downhill. More cereals than ever may be phoning it in with simple, circular or cylindrical white marbits, but with new Tony-Inspired Marshmallows coming to Frosted Flakes, Kellogg’s may be chiseling in an enlightening new era for the craft—especially coming hot off the tail of chick & bunny ‘mallows in Peeps Cereal.

Here’s my theory: hearing our jeers toward their recent uninspired sugar ring cereals, Kellogg’s figured the next best way to cheaply add variety to familiar favorites would be to churn out a fresh menagerie of eye-catching marshmallows (while still using as few colors as possible). Now I’m not saying Tony’s new marbits are terribly impressive in a technical sense, but hopefully they’re squishy stepping stones to sucrose something-or-others with higher definition and articulation.

I need marshmallow gloves for my marshmallow action figure! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: frosted flakes, kellogg's. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

News: Minions Vanilla Cake Cereal

No.

Uh-uh.

Absolutely not.

We just…can’t…keep…doing this.

I mean, how many times in this past year have I been forced to fluff up otherwise tepid blog posts about blandly flavored vanilla and/or birthday cake products that likewise taste like coagulated marshmallow fluff? Worse yet, how many times over the course of the last decade have I been compelled to write about the Minions franchise as if it isn’t the worst thing to happen to Facebook memes since the birth of JPEG compression?

What we have here is a perfect storm: a new corn-based Minions Cereal, with unimaginative marshmallows and a flavor that makes no sense for its licensed property. Vanilla Cake Minions Cereal, releasing to promote The Rise of Gru movie, is particularly tragic because there has been an actual good and creative Minions Cereal before! No, not that one, but the original Minions Banana Berry Cereal, a uniquely tropical blend of flavors that not only did justice to these pitiable creatures’ favorite fruit but also called to mind the long-extinct likes of Urkel O’s.

Aside from this poignant loss of potential, I have nothing much to say about this Vanilla Cake Minions Cereal, first reported on by Cereal Life. Maybe, just maybe, it will have some potential to bring intrigue to this world when stale, discarded half-boxes of the stuff mutates in toxic sewer ooze with similarly chucked-away bags of Baby Shark Cereal, producing a toothsome Twinkie-shaped cereal leviathan that will stymie local vigilantes for decades. Maybe.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, movie cereals, news. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

Review: Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts Bites

Mainstays, icons, the A team: every brand’s got ’em, whether they’re flavors or sub-brands.

For Quaker cereal it’s Cap’n Crunch (and maybe Life). General Mills has Cheerios, Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch to do the bulk of its flavor licensing work. Post’s are arguably Honey Bunches and Pebbles, which is, itself, a two-faced Janus of Fruity & Cocoa. Likewise, Kellogg’s translates to Frosted Flakes and Froot Loops, plus Pop-Tarts, too.

As above, so below. If brand-level marketing has to tick certain option boxes, so too should a peripheral Pop-Tarts product have to do justice to what I’m calling The Big Four. Pop-Tarts’ finest. We got the higher ups in Bites form, as well as Chocolatey Fudge—which is a quasi-quintessential Pop-Tarts variety alongside Cookies & Creme.

But we’ve heard nothing about #3 & #4, S’Mores & Wild Berry. They complete this sacred quartet by further balancing rich and fruity sweetness.

No, instead of going with a proper, albeit unberried, wild card flavor like Hot Fudge Sundae or a Gone Nutty! variety, we got Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts Bites. Well, now it’s just Confetti Cake. Whether this was meant to be a symbolic instance of macro- vs. microcosm or not, one thing’s for certain: Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts were never that good to begin with. Certainly not Bites material. Heck, If I wanted a handful of bite-sized compound sugar bombs, I’d spread Cool Whip between some Frosted Animal Cookies.

But I’ve whined enough. I’ll pop open a pouch with an open mind, and give these angel-cake devils their due.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: kellogg's, non cereal, pop-tarts. Leave a comment