News: Cereal-Flavored Carnation Breakfast Essentials

To paraphrase Smash Mouth, “well, the year’s new cereals keep comin’, and they don’t stop comin’.” And with a flood that great, it’s no surprise we’re getting some more liquefied cereal delicacies to pair with, you know, the traditional solid kind.

In addition to Coffee Mate Cinnamon Toast Crunch creamer, Nestle is enlisting three more cereal cornerstoners to join their line of Carnation Breakfast Essentials nutritional drinks. That said, it’s honestly pretty baffling to see General Mills and Kellogg’s cereals joining forces here—I love you, Golden Grahams, but you’re hopelessly outnumbered if the Kellogg’s pair turns on you.

Yes, between Froot Loops, Golden Grahams, and Krave Carnation Breakfast Essentials, that’s some pretty impressive coverage of cereal’s three core flavor categories: fruity, honey, and chocolate. You know what? I bet these’ll all taste pretty swell, too. As your resident spindly cereal blogger, I don’t drink a lot of Carnation or other fortified beverages, but the ones I have strike a nice balance of taste and nutrition. Nothing too crazy—I bet these’ll just be like slightly thicker cereal milk. About two steps down in thickness from Kefir.

Let me know if you’ve tried any of these in the comments. I have a feeling I won’t review all of them, but I might give the Krave a try unless someone* recommends against it.

*Someone who isn’t genetically biased against Krave. Y’all know who you are.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: froot loops, golden grahams, krave, non cereal. 7 Comments

Jan. ’21

The Empty Bowl Episode Forty-Four: 2020’s Best & Worst Cereals

Though I’m a few days late, I can’t leave 2020 in the past without doing an annual breakdown of its best and brightest cereals. And since this crappy year had its fair share of crappy cereals, too, for the first time I’ve assembled a Bottom 3 as well as a Top 5.

I also wanted to present these lists a little differently this time around. Tweaking my annual tradition as well as our typical episode outline, my 2020 Breakfast Review is explained at length in Episode Forty-Four of The Empty Bowl, a meditative podcast about cereal hosted by Justin McElroy and me. This was partly to save myself the wrist strain that comes with octupling my article length, but if you really really would rather read my lists than hear them, I’ll give a short and sweet summary below.

Anyway, I had a lot of fun making this episode, and I hope it helps start your 2021 with a heaping spoonful of chill, too. Cheers! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: best of, empty bowl. 1 Comment

Dec. ’20

Review: Waffle Crisp from Mexico!

In every romance movie with a tense post-high school breakup, there must be a cautiously sublime reunion in adulthood, where things feel good, but not quite right. There’s too much history at that point: inevitable comparisons are drawn, so much time has been lost, there are uncomfortable questions and unexpected answers.

Anyway, that’s how I feel about tasting Waffle Crisp again for the first time in over two years, when it was officially discontinued by Post following a long period of limited availability. I’ve heard rumors and nuggets of truth for a while now indicating that Waffle Crisp was still available in other countries, but it was hard to find conclusive answers when so many online stores list the stuff without actually having it available for purchase. But after noodling around the web so much in pursuit of my long-lost golden dream, I had to bite the short stack when I noticed Mexican Candy Lady only had one remaining box of Waffle Crisp from Mexico—she does not appear to have restocked recently so I worry this really was my last chance and Waffle Crisp’s last gasp.

But no matter, there’s no need to stay steeped in the past when I can still go face-first into this bowl of bite-sized waffles. New Year’s kisses are sweeter with syrup, after all. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: international, maple, post, waffle crisp. Leave a comment

Dec. ’20

Quick Review (x2): Kellogg’s Froot Loops & Frosted Flakes Cereal Bars

“Hop to it, wee one!” — Dotty, of Animal Crossing fame.

Ever since I read this quote in-game, it has played in my head during laborious moments of great urgency. And covering every new cereal hitting shelves this January, by the end of January? That’s no wee effort. Thus, I must get hopped up on sugar to review what I already have, as fast as I can.

Many a bowl’s work ahead of me, I’m starting with a straightforward new release. These Froot Loops & Frosted Flakes Cereal Bars are already out, but are they worth squaring off with at breakfast-time? I’ll make it clear: yes and no. That is, these Froot Loops Cereal Bars are wonderful, while the Frosted Flakes version leaves a lot to be desired. Allow me to elaborate: Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cereal bars, froot loops, frosted flakes, kellogg's. 2 Comments

Dec. ’20

Review: Sainsbury’s Mince Pie Wheats

Merry Post-Christmastime! May your day after be filled with contented lethargy, stocking stuffer candy snarfing, and cats rustling joyfully through bins of discarded wrapping paper.

Yet for bootstrapping cereal bloggers such as myself, the end of Christmas means I’ve got a mountain of cereal news and reviews to surmount. January is the biggest time of the year for new breakfast releases, and cereal company PR reps have been mailing me salvos of sweet stuff for the past few weeks. And while this may have been a serendipitous way to find boxes for all the gifts I gave, I still have enough cardboard clogging up my house to provide beds for twenty more cats than I already own.

By my cursory count, there are nearly two-dozen cereals in my kitchen, and while not all of them call for a blog article, I certainly have my work cut out for me. So before I dive into 2020’s best and brightest breakfast inductees, I want to ease in with a quick look at a U.K. exclusive that’s really bringing a snowy inn’s worth of cheer and innovation to this winter. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cinnamon, international, raisin. 1 Comment

Dec. ’20

News: Salted Caramel Pretzel Pop-Tarts

Salted Caramel Pretzel Pop-Tarts. Has a nice ring to it.

No, seriously: I think it’s Trochaic Tetrameter—assuming you pronounce it “car-mel,” which I realize is a reckless assumption.

Let’s make one thing clear: Pretzel Pop-Tarts are pretty darn good. Like Gone Nutty Pop-Tarts before them, they shake up the crust game instead of just the flavor. Both of the line’s debut flavors, Chocolate and Cinnamon Sugar, were sweet & salty & scrumptious, so I have little doubt that Salted Caramel Pretzel Pop-Tarts will be up to the same standards. These have already been spotted on Meijer’s site—thanks to Candy Hunting for the initial tip—so they’ll probably hit shelves within a month or two.

Now that Pretzel Pop-Tarts have crossed another reasonable, if not a little uncommon, pretzel flavor pairing off their pastry to-bake list, I wonder where they’ll go next. Here’s hoping we get Peanut Butter Pretzel Pop-Tarts before Whole-Grain Mustard.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: caramel, kellogg's, non cereal, pop-tarts, pretzel. 1 Comment

Dec. ’20

News: Crayola Jazzberry Cereal

Crayon eaters rejoice!

No longer need you get up early to prepare a full meal of scrambled marigolds and sizzling tickled pinks, served with a side of burnt sienna toast. Kellogg’s & Crayola are making it easier than ever to consume crayons for breakfast with an upcoming cereal flavored like Jazzberries. What does a Jazzberry taste like, you might ask? Well, I think they grow on vines that spring from the decomposed fibers of discarded Jazz solo cups. You know the ones.

As the fruit born of such a distinguished plant species, Jazzberries therefore have much expected of them. When I astral project the aesthetic of Jazz solo cups onto my taste buds, they taste like half-melted blue raspberry ICEEs and grape Kool-Aid. Perhaps this is a bit too puckering of a flavor profile to expect of a licensed cereal, so in reality Crayola Jazzberry cereal will probably taste like Caticorn cereal or Llama Loops. Which is to say, bad.

While that is a pretty grim prognosis for Jazzberry cereal’s potential, it’s also pretty realistic. Who knows, though: Crayola made a smart move with Jazzberry cereal’s color-able box—not just because of the fun value, but also the box design’s intense contrast of white to sharp saturation. This will no-doubt catch the eyes of many children in the cereal aisle, upping Jazzberry’s impulse buy appeal.

Pretty tricky, but at least it’s original. Whether or not the flavor will hold up to the same avant garde scrutiny is another story. Crayola Jazzberry cereal is already listed on Walmart and Meijer’s websites, and while they don’t have details or availability yet, they’re likely to drop within a month or so.

What’s your favorite crayon, by the way? I’m a sucker for good ol’ blue-green.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kellogg's, news. 10 Comments

Dec. ’20

Review: Raisin Bran Toasted Oats & Honey

Give me the opportunity to ideate a new Raisin Bran (Crunch or Otherwise) flavor, and I’ll come back to you with an annotated binder of possibilities, each obscure taste more convoluted and full of cultural callbacks than the last.

You give the ideas guys at Kellogg’s the same chance, and they’ll show you a million ways to change the stuff without really doing a whole lot of anything. Raisin Bran with Cranberries—a dried fruit tasting basically the same as raisins, but tougher to chew. Raisin Bran with Vanilla—they actively made the stuff worse with an overpowering, industrial vanilla veneer. Oh, and why not just chuck some bananas in there?

Wait, that one gets a pass. It at least calls back to every on-box proposed Raisin Bran serving of yore.

But this newest exhibition of nothingness is, at least conceptually, the most offensive of all. The ideological barrier between Kellogg’s Raisin Bran and Raisin Bran Crunch is thicker than a three-wide cluster of stuck-together bran flakes. The two cereals attract very different types of people. And while I respect regular Raisin Bran, it’s not for me. I love me some Crunchy bunches of honey-toasted granola—which is why it’s egregious that “Toasted Oats & Honey” is positioned here as a spinoff of plain ol’ Raisin Bran.

It should’ve been called Raisin Bran Crunch 2: Deliciously Deconstructed. Accurately allocating valor is important, Kellogg’s! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: honey, kellogg's, raisin bran. 3 Comments