13

May. ’21

News: Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolate Caramel Crunch + Churro Bites!

New Cap'n Crunch Chocolate Caramel Crunch Cereal Box

Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch is a weird guy. In fact, I once wrote an op-ed about how the Cap’n is one of the last remaining bastions of cereal’s ’80s & ’90s golden era, back when off-the-wall breakfast gimmicks were a dime a chocolate-coated dozen. While other cereal brands were trying to remove artificial ingredients and promote active, on-the-go mealtimes, Cap’n Crunch was still wack-adaisically dropping Creamsicle and Cotton Candy cereals—not to mention atomically colored Slurpees and pancake syrup.

And don’t even get me started on Canuck Crunch.

As a result, I’m always eager to see what else this kooky Cap’n and his detached eyebrows has up his nonsensically nautical sleeves.

That said, I’ll admit Quaker’s latest Chocolate Caramel Crunch isn’t quite as inspired as the Cap’n’s other seafaring fare—the combo of chest pieces and flavored Crunch Berries reminds me of the lackluster Chocolatey Berry Crunch. But I am interested to see if there’s better caramel flavor here than in the likewise *meh* Cap’n Crunch’s Caramel Popcorn Crunch. Continue reading →

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11

May. ’21

News: Trix Yogurt Returns

Trix Yogurt Returns!

Ever seen a grown man lean back, squeeze and gulp a whole yogurt cup like he’s a lactobacillic Popeye? Well, for the sake of my area’s grocery store security guards, I sure hope they have, because if there’s no precedent or protocol in place, they might have a tough time stopping my toot-tooting Trix Yogurt-powered form from bench-pressing the dairy cooler.

I’m just that excited about Trix Yogurt returning to conventional stores. I say “conventional” because, though Trix Yogurt has been hard for mainstream consumers to track down for years now, this sweet pastel nostalgia slop has been available in bulk to General Mills’ foodservice partners for some time. But while the foodservice includes fun, familiar flavors like Strawberry Banana and Raspberry Rainbow, Trix Yogurt’s brick-and-mortar revival is stripping back the silliness to just two straightforward tastes: Strawberry and, uh, straw-less Berry.

This is a bit sad, since I’ll miss Cotton Candy and Wildberry Trix Yogurts most of all, but I understand how it’s hard to make the same “healthy low-fat snack” pitch to lunch-packing parents when the stuff is flavored with abstract or otherwise fictional ingredients.

But hey, if these newly returned Trix Yogurt cups are as good as the smoothie version from last year, I’m willing to bury the hatchetfruit and start making some umbrella’d summer yogurt cocktails. Let’s get silly!

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09

May. ’21

UPDATE: Monster Mash Cereal

New Monster Mash Cereal 2021

(UPDATE: Read my review of Monster Mash Cereal!)

And on this day, Mother’s Day 2021, General Mills delivered something beautiful into this world.

Well, sort of. It’s complicated.

First off, we’ve known about the above Monster Mash Cereal—which brings all five iconic Halloween cereal mascots together—for some time now, but it was always shown with placeholder box art featuring Monster renders taken from collectible pins. This raised alarm bells among skeptics, but now thanks to Cerealously reader Mikey H. (seriously: thank you!), we can put all doubts about Monster Mash cereal to a peaceful rest.

See, the stuff is now listed on Instacart, and in addition to featuring this clearly more-finalized box art, this listing gives us a few more hints about the broader Monster Cereal 50th anniversary that prompted this gift of a quintuple feature.

“…the world’s most monster group is back together for a limited-edition cereal, and to record their own version of the greatest monster anthem of all time.”

There’s also a mention of MonsterMashCereal.com, where you can listen to the Monsters cover the actual Monster Mash classic, but the site isn’t live just yet, so you’d better develop some werewolf’s paw-thick finger callouses and start pressing CTRL+R between now and late summer, which is when each year’s Monster Cereals typically get formal announcements.

However, I think the most fun thing to speculate for now is just what this cereal will look like in a bowl. Besides the claim that marshmallow shapes and colors may vary, the lineup at the box’s top suggests a very marbit-heavy cereal with just two ghost pieces. These two appear to be Boo Berry and Franken Berry pieces, with the other Monsters represented by respective marbits.

I’m torn on this: on one hand, it’s smart to leave Chocula ghosts out of the mix, since every other Monster Cereal is fruit forward. But at the same time, I really hope the marbits have unique flavors, otherwise this is just another generic berry cereal with Brute and Mummy painted on for nostalgia value.

Guess there’s nothing left to do but wait and find out. If you need me, I’ll be in a sensory deprivation mausoleum to prime my autumnal appetite.

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03

May. ’21

Review: Special K Dipped Chocolatey Almond

New Chocolatey Almond Special K with Chocolate-Dipped Flakes Box

Dipped. Dunked. Coated. Frosted. There are many dramatic ways—each dastardly and delightful—to bestow chocolatey goodness upon an otherwise indecently nude food morsel. I’ll be honest that I didn’t really know there was an industry distinction between chocolate-coated and chocolate-dipped flakes, but thanks to this allegedly groundbreaking new variety of Special K, we can be assured that choco-coated flakes are totally boring ol’ fudgy-duddies, while their dipped brethren are show-stopping pioneers in their field.

That’s a lot of hype for the cereal equivalent of Lay’s chocolate-dipped potato chips, which ended up having more charming novelty than rubber dog poop, but far less than those top hat-wearing drinking birds. Those guys have charm and novelty dripping down their felted chins! Let’s see how hip this chocolate dip really is.

(It was between that lame rhyming line and “let’s see how fun this ‘due really is.”) Continue reading →

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30

Apr. ’21

Bite-Sized Review: Ghostbusters Cereal

Look, I wanted to write a full post about this one, but it…it did not give me much to go on. Skip it, ‘nough said.

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29

Apr. ’21

The Empty Bowl Episode Fifty: Carvel Crunchies Ruined My Life

Oops, I did it again! And again. And again. And again…and again. In some small circles (i.e. the triangulation of me and my two cats), I’m infamous for forgetting to post on this blog about the podcast I cohost. So if you haven’t already caught-up on my and Justin’s meditative show about cereal, get ready for a ladle-sized spoonful of relaxing breakfast content.

In our last five episodes, we’ve covered a sweet, sweet swath of topics, from the hunt for Garfield’s long-lost ’80s cereal to my field trip to Grand Rapids’ new Eastown Cereal Cafe. For our milestone fiftieth episode, released today, we talked about cereal DUPLOs, meaningless blue marshmallows, the in-bowl integrity of favorite spoons, and much more.

If you’ve got even more catching up to do, you can find every Empty Bowl episode at out Anchor hub. You can also follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one is like a very meaningful blue marshmallow converted to HTML.

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27

Apr. ’21

News: Cap’n Crunch Treats (Crunch Berries & Peanut Butter Crunch)

New Cap'n Crunch Treats

When I saw reports of these “New” Cap’n Crunch Treats, I got some serious déjà chew, and suddenly I was transported back to the strange, alien world of 2013. Back then, I was but an innocent student with an X-treme nacho cheese chip on my shoulder—classic college prank, real funny, guys—and this blog was still a twinkle in my cereal-scarfing eye.

The Crunch Berry and Peanut Butter Crunch Cap’n Crunch Treats of that era were just about identical looking to the above ones, which hit stores this month—albeit with box art featuring the Cap’n making the two halves of his Treat kiss, instead of the intimidating “here comes the plane” drizzle he’s doing today.

But the fact of the matter is that these Treats, while no doubt delicious, are not new. In fact, the idea of Cap’n Crunch Bars has existed since the late ’90s. I can’t blame Quaker for treat-ing these like they’re new, though. I mean, who among us, besides the anal-retentive breakfast bloggers, can keep track of which cereals have passed the BAR exam? At this point, the mutualistic amalgamation of cereal pieces into a single, stronger organism just feels like a natural stage in any cereal’s evolutionary lifecycle. Though I will note, interestingly, that these Cap’n Crunch Treats appear to use pieces of various sizes—giving them the exotic geologic appearance of riverbed minerals.

How might such a sedimentary strategy affect their taste? I’ll have to find out, assuming I can find these tempting Cap’n Crunch Treats.

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26

Apr. ’21

Bite-Sized Review: Shaq & Tony’s Frosted Flakes with Cinnamon Basketballs

The latest nosh from my perennially overflowing pantry.

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