For one thing, its name and eye-catching box art alone are sure to make Dulce de Leche Toast Crunch one of this summer’s most hyped cereals. Second, there’s a lot going on here: like if someone threw a bunch of butter and caramel and milk and cinnamon and ten other things from a confectioner’s cupboard into a washing machine—and then threw that washing machine, plus a dryer and two fridges (for good measure) into an industrial rock tumbler.
But as your friendly neighborhood cereal blogger, I will do my darnedest to demystify these squares and their witch’s brew of golden goo. Continue reading →
What’s the opposite of the Kool-Aid Man? A hollowed-out cherry full of molten glass?
Well whoever he is, somebody better call him, because we’re gonna need a hearty “Oh, noooooo” to kick this review off.
I know, I know: I just shared the news about these Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts two days ago, and here I am already reviewing them. Well, despite having a portly pantry’s worth of actual cereals awaiting review, after tasting Mister E. Pop-Tarts I knew they had to jump the queue.
See, Pop-Tarts didn’t do what Great Value Mystery Toaster Pastries did, by introducing a fruit punchy flavor so vague it could be anything from grape to grapefruit. However, Pop-Tarts also didn’t do what I hoped they would do: introduce a universally palatable, yet unique, flavor like Chocolate Hazelnut or Honey Pop-Tarts.
No, what Pop-Tarts did was bold—exceptionally so, considering how you have to blindly commit to 16 Pop-Tarts when you buy these.
Well, I’m all out of ideas. I guess it’s hard to guess when I haven’t tasted new Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts, or Mister E. Pop-Tarts, as they’re calling them. At least we won’t have to wait long, as Mister E. Pop-Tarts are hitting shelves this month. Here’s the origin story from Kellogg’s:
“How did this flavor come to be? Rumor has it, a masked culprit broke into the Pop-Tarts factory and created a mysterious and delicious new flavor. Pop-Tarts loved it so much, they hired Mister E, a world-class flavor investigator and title character on the new Pop-Tarts box, to solve the case.
But Mister E needs help from Pop-Tarts lovers everywhere! Fans are invited to share their best flavor guesses for a chance to win epic prizes. After taking a bite, just scan the QR code on the box to visit the entry website and submit your guess. The sweepstakes opens May 27, 2021.”
Honestly, I’m more interested in whether there’ll be a canonical answer as to who the “masked culprit” was. Maybe that’s just a copyright neutral way of explaining why the mystery flavor is like, Crunch Berries or something.
Ultimately, this isn’t the first time a toaster pastry brand has tested our taste buds with an edible enigma: Walmart’s Great Value Toaster Pastries had a mystery flavor back in 2018. I don’t think the truth was ever fully revealed—and the taste was super generic, so I said “Fruit Punch.” Hopefully Mister E. Pop-Tarts—whatever the heck they are—are distinctive enough to tantalize the tip of my tongue.
Honestly, I’m starting to think a weird game of telephone went on at General Mills HQ. They heard our continued cries to restore oat flour to their Monster Cereals (which didn’t work), and interpreted it as “people want more cereal-flavored oatmeals!”
But hey, I’m not complaining—because it finally gives me a chance to talk about hot cereal on this site, which I coldly and rarely do, despite claiming to be a blog for all cereal. As you can see in the above image, posted this week by General Mills, there are a number of releases we already knew about, plus some surprises. Namely, Lucky Charms Oatmeal and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Oatmeal (both of which have previously released as Canadian exclusives), plus new Cocoa Puffs Oatmeal and Trix Oatmeal. If I had to guess, I’d predict Cocoa Puffs will be the standout star, as chocolate tends to infuse beautifully into oatmeal—especially when you toss in some chocolate chips that melt into lovely little landmines.
Also of note here is the return of Team Cheerios. This stuff first debuted way back in 1996 to support the U.S. Olympian team, but it stuck around for a few years after as a Wheaties-esque celebration of all things athletic. Interestingly enough, despite the cereals discontinuation, you’ve always technically been able to enjoy the stuff, provided you’re willing to invest in a 96-count box of Team Cheerios Strawberry Cereal Bars.
However, while the original Team Cheerios combined regular, Multigrain, and Frosted Cheerios with an added brown sugar booster, 2021’s reunion is “Frosted Berry” flavored, which I would guess means these are a sweeter version of Very Berry Cheerios. Either way, I’m skipping the milk and eating these with Gatorade for peak performance.
BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Strawberry Rice Krispies Treats are actually pretty amazing. Compared to Strawberry Krispies Cereal, the fruit flavor here is sharper, juicier and more fruit-snacky. Plus they look like weird alien brains when photographed in portrait mode. That's a win-win! pic.twitter.com/6UfvFnspu4
Aw man, we were this close to seeing a squad fight in the cereal aisle.
See, Kellogg’s first cereal team-up with GLAAD—raising awareness and funds for LGBTQ+ rights—was “All Together Cereal.” This infamous Super Smash Bros. Ultimate of cereals may not have actually combined six cereals in one box (they were mini boxes inside a bigger box), but I was hoping that in future iterations Kellogg’s might get bolder and try loose mixing + added DLC characters. It also would’ve been convenient timing for All Together to return, just as hype is building around the General Mills’ marbit-soup that is Monster Mash Cereal.
Franchise vs. Franchise. That would be like if Smash Bros. crossed-over with…Digimon Rumble Arena 2.
But nope, instead we get a note-for-note technicolor remaster of 2019’s Caticorn Cereal. Together with Pride tastes exactly the same, and Caticorn wasn’t exactly memorable. If I didn’t have a big fluffy mystical white cat myself, that crunchy cryptid would’ve dissolved into my subconscious aether a year ago.
Like Caticorn, Together with Pride is very generically fruity. It’s difficult and unproductive trying to detect any traces of raspberry or strawberry specifically, because it all gets gummed together by a sticky sugar sheen and the additional cloying sweetness of each piece’s “edible glitter.” Imagine the fakest berry taste you can, then make it hollower and glossier.
Milk can help tone down the artificiality a bit, but Together with Pride’s color evokes Froot Loops, and with that I can’t help but compare the two. What this needs is a juicier, more tropical twist, because as it stands…I’m just gonna leave this bowl standing here.
Maybe it’ll solidify into a cereal milk candle.
The Bottom Line: 4 good causes with bad executions out of 10
Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch is a weird guy. In fact, I once wrote an op-ed about how the Cap’n is one of the last remaining bastions of cereal’s ’80s & ’90s golden era, back when off-the-wall breakfast gimmicks were a dime a chocolate-coated dozen. While other cereal brands were trying to remove artificial ingredients and promote active, on-the-go mealtimes, Cap’n Crunch was still wack-adaisically dropping Creamsicle and Cotton Candy cereals—not to mention atomically colored Slurpees and pancake syrup.
And don’t even get me started on Canuck Crunch.
On one hand, it's sad there's no maple flavoring here. But at the same time, I love how this calls the geopolitical loyalty of the Cap'n's military service entirely into question https://t.co/rdBZOurYcI
As a result, I’m always eager to see what else this kooky Cap’n and his detached eyebrows has up his nonsensically nautical sleeves.
That said, I’ll admit Quaker’s latest Chocolate Caramel Crunch isn’t quite as inspired as the Cap’n’s other seafaring fare—the combo of chest pieces and flavored Crunch Berries reminds me of the lackluster Chocolatey Berry Crunch. But I am interested to see if there’s better caramel flavor here than in the likewise *meh* Cap’n Crunch’s Caramel Popcorn Crunch. Continue reading →
Ever seen a grown man lean back, squeeze and gulp a whole yogurt cup like he’s a lactobacillic Popeye? Well, for the sake of my area’s grocery store security guards, I sure hope they have, because if there’s no precedent or protocol in place, they might have a tough time stopping my toot-tooting Trix Yogurt-powered form from bench-pressing the dairy cooler.
I’m just that excited about Trix Yogurt returning to conventional stores. I say “conventional” because, though Trix Yogurt has been hard for mainstream consumers to track down for years now, this sweet pastel nostalgia slop has been available in bulk to General Mills’ foodservice partners for some time. But while the foodservice includes fun, familiar flavors like Strawberry Banana and Raspberry Rainbow, Trix Yogurt’s brick-and-mortar revival is stripping back the silliness to just two straightforward tastes: Strawberry and, uh, straw-less Berry.
This is a bit sad, since I’ll miss Cotton Candy and Wildberry Trix Yogurts most of all, but I understand how it’s hard to make the same “healthy low-fat snack” pitch to lunch-packing parents when the stuff is flavored with abstract or otherwise fictional ingredients.
But hey, if these newly returned Trix Yogurt cups are as good as the smoothie version from last year, I’m willing to bury the hatchetfruit and start making some umbrella’d summer yogurt cocktails. Let’s get silly!
