11

Oct. ’21

Review: Apple Pie Toast Crunch

New Apple Pie Toast Crunch Review – Box

Picture this epicurean odyssey: it’s the day after Thanksgiving, and you’ve just finished a delightful franken-wich of fused leftovers—gravy-braised turkey suspended in cranberry sauce topped with a mashed potato schmear, all on a bun made from waffle-ironed stuffing.

And now it’s time for dessert, so you make Grandma’s classic: a fat slice of toasted bread thickly buttered with the puréed result of cramming an apple pie slice into your food processor.

At least, that’s what I picture when I think of “Apple Pie Toast,” the latest naming convention-transgressing foodstuff implied by the people who brought you “Frosted Toast” Crunch and “Sugar Cookie Toast” Crunch. I mean hey, I understand that it’s just the name of a cereal and therefore it doesn’t need to conform to reality, but c’mon, they did this flavor already with Apple Cinnamon Toast Crunch, a name I had no trouble accepting.

But whatever, I’m just grasping at semantic straws. If Apple Pie Toast Crunch is good, I’m willing to forgive its eponymous sin. Continue reading →

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07

Oct. ’21

News: Frosted Maple Eggo Pop-Tarts

New Eggo Pop-Tarts

Well if it isn’t the no-brainer patrol, here with a new Pop-Tart flavor that should’ve been made years ago.

I mean c’mon, maple is such a good flavor. It’s probably in my top 5, with the legendary likes of PB&J and gingerbread. But there have only been two maple-flavored Pop-Tarts, and both came with drawbacks. 2012’s Mapley Brown Sugar Oatmeal Delights Pop-Tarts were incredible, but they were only around for a very limited time and I only ended up trying them in a dusty, nearly expired form after unearthing them a year later at some catacomb of a grocery outlet. Meanwhile, Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts were about as appetizing as a pig’s belch.

Finally, though, we’re getting an allegedly permanent and straightforward maple toaster pastry with Eggo Frosted Maple Pop-Tarts, debuting this December. Granted, it would’ve been cool if they actually gave the Tarts little indented squares, but hey, if I want syrup pockets, I can always squelch some Mrs. Butterworth into my jorts.

All that said…

…while my bloggerly duties would feel unfulfilled if I didn’t report on news like this, it’s also my due journalistic diligence to remind you that 1400 Kellogg’s factory workers are on strike right now, fighting for healthcare, retirement benefits, vacation pay, and for their jobs not to be outsourced altogether! Hopefully they can reach an agreement before December, so we can all enjoy Eggo Pop-Tarts, but ultimately, the livelihoods of the people working hard to make our breakfasts are far more important than some sweet ‘n’ sticky toaster slab.

I encourage you to join me in standing with these brave Kellogg’s workers by avoiding Kellogg’s purchases until an agreement is met.

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05

Oct. ’21

News: Kellogg’s & Wendy’s FROSTY Cereal

New Kellogg's Wendy's Cereal

Sorry Wendy’s, but this is neither penance nor atonement. Your sin is far too great to assuage with a sweet cereal.

I know I seem crass, but in my eyes (all full of glistening milky tears of spite), Wendy’s is at fault for popularizing the “kooky brand social media” trope that’s infected Twitter, Tumblr, and somehow my small intestine. Listen, it was funny the first umpteen times a big, million-follower account got snarky and all “sorry not sorry” for “throwing shade” at a competitor, but holy trash-talking guacamole, it’s gotta stop. I’m tired of brands pretending to be people. 

I know nothing I say will stem the tide, though, so let me get to the point: Kellogg’s is teaming up with Wendy’s to drop the fast food chain’s first ever cereal, based on their iconic chocolate Frosty milkshake. According to Kellogg’s, “hitting shelves this December, the limited-edition cereal features chocolate-flavored marshmallow pieces that intermingle with crispy, cocoa-coated round cereal bites — each spoonful evokes the irresistible taste of a Wendy’s Frosty.”

Well, to me, each spoonful looks like it’ll evoke the tepid taste of an Elf on the Shelf Cereal (apologies, but I’m triggered by those molar-nesting capsule marbits). As with any new cereal, I’m willing to give it a chance to surprise me, but hey, either way, Wendy’s Frosty Cereal comes with a consolation prize: each cereal box includes a FREE small Frosty or Frosty-ccino with any Wendy’s app purchase.

Wait, I’m also still triggered by my childhood memory of throwing up a Wendy’s cheeseburger with a small Frosty I dunked my fries in.

Boy, I just can’t win today. Maybe I can assuage the pain by having @Wendys publicly dunk on me instead.

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21

Sep. ’21

News: Elf on the Shelf Hot Cocoa Cereal

New Elf on the Shelf Hot Cocoa Cereal Box

Hallo-who?

Oh, sorry, that silly old October 31st holiday is so last August. Get with the times—it’s the holiday season already! Which, for some ungodly reason, means we’re getting another Elf on the Shelf Cereal.

First came Elf on the Shelf Sugar Cookie Cereal in 2019. It was an over-simplistically sugary cereal, far more forgettable than the accursed eldritch Elf-scourge whose name it bears.

Then last year we got Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Crunch Cereal. In addition to its criminal abuse of consonance, this stuff tasted terrible. Like a mint Lifesaver scraped off the bottom of someone’s snow boot.

Now to complete this tepid trilogy (at least, dear most holy Saint Nick, I pray this is the end) comes Elf on the Shelf Hot Cocoa Cereal. From the looks of its cocoa stars and marshmallows, this stuff is unlikely to surpass General Mills’ similar Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs, which was, in itself, exceptionally mediocre. In fact, EotS Hot Cocoa will probably be worse, since this cereal family historically has the worst marbits ever. Seriously: these chewy, pill-sized marsh-molars could sink a cereal brand ten times mightier than Elf on the Shelf.

Sorry if I sound hopelessly pessimistic, but I am. That devilish shelf-sitting sprite has every right to try proving me wrong, but given his putrid precedent, he’s guilty until proven innocent.

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16

Sep. ’21

Review: Krispy Kreme Cereal (Mexico Exclusive)

New Mexico Exclusive Krispy Kreme Cereal Review - Box

Kellogg’s new Krispy Kreme Cereal is weird. And I don’t say that because it’s a Mexico-exclusive cereal—though zany flavors that aren’t available stateside are certainly breakfast-aisle oddballs.

And I don’t call it weird because it comes in such a small box—weighing in at 190g vs your standard issue 280g Froot Loops—though there’s a strange, empty feeling that comes with knocking out a whole box of cereal within like, four or five regular-sized bowls of it. A.K.A., a typical weekend’s worth.

No, no, I call Krispy Kreme Cereal weird because it tastes weird! And I mean ‘weird’ not in the sense that it’s bad in any way, but in the way that’s like goodness gracious, me and mine, implacable flavor’s a-ticklin’ my mind. That’s right, the taste of Krispy Kreme Cereal is poetically elusive. I racked my brain buds and taste cells trying to identify the buttery(?), fried(?!), and perhaps, greasy(‽) note that prevails over each thick ‘n’ chunky cereal ring.

And those are some of the best adjectives I could come up with. Continue reading →

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13

Sep. ’21

Quick Review: Froot Loops Gummies

New Froot Loops Gummies Review

Sorry for the abbreviated review, but any morsel’d candy that doesn’t give me more than four pieces per container doesn’t deserve more than four paragraphs. Granted, you can find these new Froot Loops Gummies in 7oz packages (which would be like, upwards of 40 gummies), but all I could find were these trick-or-treat pouches, which comes 16 to a bag, and which take longer to open their wasteful packaging than they do to eat. They’re so small they can’t even be called fun-sized—to quote the venerable Strong Bad, “The only fun I’m going to have with this thing is smearing it all over your door when I leave.”

These portions are especially frustrating because Froot Loops Gummies are actually good. They really do taste like sweeter, tarter and juicier Froot Loops—though just like real Froot Loops, each color tastes the same.

However. this synthetic tropical smoothie of goodness also leaves behind a pretty iffy, throat-coating chemical aftertaste. It’s nothing too bad, but normally I would just start chain-chewing more gummies to mask the aftertaste. Can’t do that super speedily when I need to rip open my fifth-in-a-row pouch of the things.

Overall, Froot Loops Gummies are a fun and smartly flavored candy adaptation of a beloved cereal, but unless you can find ’em value sized, these toothsome toucan rings aren’t work the effort nor the plastic refuse.

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04

Sep. ’21

Review: Dunkin’ Cinnamon Cereal & Milk Latte

Dunkin' Cereal & Milk Latte - Cinnamon Review

Anybody else see this?

No?

Well, while we were all out funkin’ and drunken slam dunkin’, Dunkin’ Donuts was slunkin’. Smooth as cold brew, they slunk two whole Cereal & Milk Lattes onto their menu without any fervor or fanfare. Even I wouldn’t’ve heard about ’em if not for Stewart M. tweeting at me.

Turns out the reason these drinks are so hard to find out about, is because they’re hard to find in general. These lattes are test market items only available in Detroit, MI; Wheeling, WV; Pittsburgh, PA; Oklahoma City, OK; as well as Houston, Dallas, & San Antonio, Texas. So while I apologize to all who won’t be able to try Dunkin’s Cereal & Milk Lattes without great geographic difficulty, hot diggity darn: for like the first time in test market history, I’m near one of them! I can’t help but notice that West Virginia is also on the list, leading me to believe Dunkin’ was deliberately targeting cereal’s two foremost meditative cereal podcasters.

Long story short, I bought the Cinnamon Cereal & Milk Latte. Even though the Marshmallow one is more visually appealing, I feel like marshmallow flavoring in addition to the “sweet cold foam” would just be redundant. But how was it? Well, that’s more of a medium story…medium. Continue reading →

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27

Aug. ’21

News: Pebbles Bites

New Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles Bites

Call it a gravel pit, a rockslide, or an earthfall, but there’ve been so many new Pebbles products this year to celebrate the cereal line’s 50th anniversary. Candy bars, bunnies, Crisps and cake mix are only the tip of this kaleidoscopically colorful iceberg.

Well, now we can add coated bites of pure decadence to the list, too, as Frankford—the appropriately Dr. Frankenstein-ish confectioners behind many of these other Pebbles sweets—are also dropping both Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles Bites.

These little grape-sized rounds of real cereal are coated with milk chocolate and creamy candied white goo, respectively. The Bites debut this month and are exclusive to Five Below stores—who previously have had a lock on the Pop-Tarts pool float market.

Despite looking a bit too small to justify the laborious waste of individually unwrapping each one, I bet these Bites will probably taste pretty good—and even if they don’t, you could totally use a slingshot to wreak prehistoric havoc all across the neighborhood.

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