https://www.instagram.com/p/BgZMuaYDsDL/?hl=en&taken-by=cerealkillercafe

I no longer identify with the gamer ethos of Ready, Player One. Despite my formative days as a Nintendo fiend, my meeker modern day video game exploits toggle between “remembering how great Kirby is” and “casually trying to bring back Words With Friends to try reliving the emotional high of once playing JUICED on a quadruple word score.”

Yet I support the geek-bending film because it has its own cereal—albeit a very exclusive one. Limited to 200 boxes at the U.K.’s Cereal Killer Cafe, Retro Pops are bound to be harder to find than an SNES Mini.

Since I’m an ocean apart from these colorful Pops, I’ll stick to complaining in America until a movie wants to make a cereal with me. The Shape of Watermelon Oat Flakes?

Exclusive to FYE, Five Nights at Freddy's Nightmare Puffs cereal contains "Cocoa Munchies," and, presumably, a cheap jump scare in every box. pic.twitter.com/UAFee3Zx4q

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) March 19, 2018

Far from the only weirdly proprietary cereal hitting shelves this month. FYE, continuing its proud preservation of the obscure cereal tie-in tradition, has debuted Five Nights at Freddy’s Nightmare Puffs. It looks just like Cocoa Puffs, but I bet that’s just what Chuck E. Cheese’s high school drop-out brother wants us to think.

There’s totally a jump scare in that box.

Proudly upholding my own tradition of never paying more than $6 for a cereal that isn’t South Korean Oreo O’s, I will not be buying Nightmare Puffs either. I will instead be petitioning Congress to make a cereal based off the real terrifying children’s video game monster: the disapproval of Mavis Beacon when you screwed around instead of finishing the typing lesson.