No.

Uh-uh.

Absolutely not.

We just…can’t…keep…doing this.

I mean, how many times in this past year have I been forced to fluff up otherwise tepid blog posts about blandly flavored vanilla and/or birthday cake products that likewise taste like coagulated marshmallow fluff? Worse yet, how many times over the course of the last decade have I been compelled to write about the Minions franchise as if it isn’t the worst thing to happen to Facebook memes since the birth of JPEG compression?

What we have here is a perfect storm: a new corn-based Minions Cereal, with unimaginative marshmallows and a flavor that makes no sense for its licensed property. Vanilla Cake Minions Cereal, releasing to promote The Rise of Gru movie, is particularly tragic because there has been an actual good and creative Minions Cereal before! No, not that one, but the original Minions Banana Berry Cereal, a uniquely tropical blend of flavors that not only did justice to these pitiable creatures’ favorite fruit but also called to mind the long-extinct likes of Urkel O’s.

Aside from this poignant loss of potential, I have nothing much to say about this Vanilla Cake Minions Cereal, first reported on by Cereal Life. Maybe, just maybe, it will have some potential to bring intrigue to this world when stale, discarded half-boxes of the stuff mutates in toxic sewer ooze with similarly chucked-away bags of Baby Shark Cereal, producing a toothsome Twinkie-shaped cereal leviathan that will stymie local vigilantes for decades. Maybe.