Get back! Stay away from me! I’ve drawn a protective circle in the sand that thou shan’t not breach!

Sorry if I sound overly defensive, but it’s been three years and I’ve still never once heard the parasitic ear-worm known as “Baby Shark.” Sure, I’ve seen the memes, and I’ve heard gut-wrenching testimony from parents on the shoreline of despair, unable to stop the shark from hammering its tune into their head.

I don’t want to hear it, and I’ll strap pillows to my head if it means protecting my noodle from a Great White heck-bent (this is a children’s cereal) on devouring my own grey matter. To me, the only “doo doo doo” I need to remember is from Nickelodeon GUTS.

For this memetic oceanic virus isn’t content with staying online any more. As the first YouTuber cereal to hit shelves, Kellogg’s Baby Shark Cereal beats out other, cleverer ideas like Tay Zonday’s Chocolate Grain, The Evolution of Brans, and Charlie Bit My Ladyfingers.

But hey, at least we’ve got a Gangnam Style Cereal.

Baby Shark Cereal, which debuts at Sam’s Club for August 17th’s Shark Week before hitting other retailers in September, features “Berry Fin-tastic” rings and marshmallows—which is code for, “we couldn’t sell enough Caticorn Cereal (another Sam’s Club exclusive), so we expelled it from the Mytho-Mammalian class and into the realm of cerebrally carnivorous kids’ marine life.”

So while I do expect Baby Shark Cereal’s flavor to be familiarly unfulfilling, as with all cases I must reserve judgement until I can sink my own teeth into it. If it includes a free puka shell necklace inside, I may just be able to forgive this infant terror of the deep for what it’s done to eardrums everywhere.