*Frantically checks calendar*
Oh no, this is all wrong: April 1st is still months (of snow and slush) away. I’m afraid we must accept an uncomfortable truth—food science’s rate of cereal experimentation has mutated far faster and more disturbingly than any human could possibly orchestrate.
Breakfast must be growing self aware. And it wants a taste of intelligent life.
First we saw cereal take on the shape and emotional imbalance of young humans. Soon it will use malleable marshmallow to mimic our planet’s cutest animals. But with this latest news? It’s trying to transmute itself into flesh.
Just a week ago, I got a cryptic tip in the comments section about a possible pseudo-Waffle Crisp revival. It wasn’t hard to picture what flavor was being hinted at, but I ultimately had no visual reference to go off of.
That is, until today, when Instagram users Dan J. and Canadian Candy Hunters shared this very real, very mouthwatering pore-watering box of Post & Honey Bunches of Oats’ Chicken & Waffles Cereal in Toronto. But while it may make sense that this sticky-skinned Southern comfort flavor has flown to land of maple syrup, U.S. thrill and grill-seekers need not fret: this Canadian-made cereal is hitting America.
On or around March 7th, to be specific, to commemorate the ever-growing hype surrounding National Cereal Day. While we don’t have specific store distribution info yet, we…well, we don’t really know anything about the flavor, either. Bearing the gold-dripping, now-modified Honey Brunches of Oats family crest, the cereal seems to forego any serious Bunch-ing in favor of disturbingly deep-fried-looking drumstick flakes and what is probably the world’s last surviving sect of Waffle Crisp pieces.
So this is how my favorite cereal ends, huh? Not with a bang, but with a gizzard.
The back of this artificially flavored cereal at least makes doubly clear that no chickens were harmed in the making of this cereal. It also reads:
“Honey Bunches of Oats is celebrating cereal day by bringing your favorite brunch into your cereal bowl. Sweet and savory unite in a flavor intense cereal that combines chicken & waffles flavored goodness for a unique breakfast experience!”
So while that may not give us any clues, its uncanny confidence that poultry and dairy belong together reads like a postmodern Animal Farm sequel—and makes this the closest we may ever get to a Milk Steak Cereal.
I’m certainly slightly outraged this cereal flavor is getting made over something equally celebratory like cheesecake or Fudgy the Whale, but you’d better believe I’m going to try it anyway—if only to say the chicken cereal came before the egg yolk one.
These are available in Giant Eagle as of today 2/21/19
I think one could faithfully recreate Waffle Crisp by sorting out the waffle pieces. Assuming the chicken flavor is just in the flakes, of course.
Regardless, I ate the shit out of chicken and waffles at KFC. needless to say I will get a box of this, by hook or by crook.