(Image via Funko)

Hold your forks and pitch-horses there, friend: let’s take it easy. You’re probably justifiably wondering why I, an admitted Funko apathetic, am writing another headline about the culture collectible collective—especially not long after my (and my now-gothic digestive system’s) recent run in with their black-dyed Cuphead FunkO’s?

Well it wouldn’t be December without a countdown, so here are my favorite answers to that question:

6. Because I’m sure whatever-sized segment of my readership likes Funko—and I’m so sorry for all I’ve said and will soon say again about the Pops’ eyes—would like to know that the brand is re-releasing their earlier Target-exclusive Cap’n Crunch Funko Pop this month, with this fresh fleet of cubelike Cap’ns likely shipping in January 2019.

(Image via Target)

5. Because I find it truly wild that this Ad Icons Funko Pop actually has an aesthetic difference from the Target Cap’n Crunch, implying that both this brazen young Cap’n Crunch could handily slay his comparatively old/gluttonous twin in a breakfast bloodbath and that this difference is enough to prompt collectors to buy him again…

…thus ensuring said fratricide.

4. Because I guess you could just sort of white out his eyes, right? Or use like googly eyes?

3. Because if this release isn’t enough of a curious curio for you, it’s also being sold alongside other interesting peripheral products, like PEZ Dispensers featuring the Cap’n, Jean LeFoote, and surprisingly retro mascot Crunchberry Monster.

Dig Em’, but don’t Lick Em’

Also of note is a Dig Em’ the Honey Smacks frog Pop, which I pray has no authentic salmonella accessories.

2. Because let’s be real: this has been a slow Winter for cereal. I will keep looking for the few stragglers/early birds I haven’t found yet, and I am rejuvenated by the chance to rest on my laurels before the annual new cereal downpour that commences at the crack of January, but at the same time, if I don’t type at least 1,000 words about cereal a week, I fear my hands may turn to coarse sand.

1. Because this suggests a left-field possibility, though slimmer than Slenderman’s son Jim, this could incept corporate cooperation between a Cap’n (with a recently refreshed social media presence) and a company that seems to never say no. If this truly is the darkest timeline, such a team-up could give us Cap’n Crunch FunkO’s, a redundancy so obscene it would doubtlessly buckle explosively under the weight of its own forbidden genes.

Or maybe it just means Cap’n Crunch exists in the Funko universe and thus gets to grab a beer with Big Boy.