(Update: My annual Count Chocula review is here, and so are Franken Berry’s and Boo Berry’s!)

Forget about all those Clintons, Bernies, and floppy hair-dos: the real election you should care about involves the Count, Boo, and Frank. You’ll never hear the phrase “lesser of two evils” in this election, because every candidate is equally lovable and sweet.

Which is ironic, because all three are monsters.

That’s right: Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry Monster Cereals are coming back to shelves for Fall 2016, starting in late August. But this time they’re not just here to spook and entertain. They vant your vote. Even though it’s only August 1st, General Mills is making the sweaty dog days of summer howl like werewolves with their debut of MonstersVote2016.com: the online headquarters for the Monsters Cereal Election. Here you can vote, take alignment polls, read monster bios, download posters, and see a live map of nationwide vote distribution.

This is exciting enough to make me taste ghosts of Boo Berry in the back of my mouth (though that might be from my stockpile of 2015 boxes). Every four years, Halloween fans get sad when the American presidential race overshadows their favorite shadowy holiday. So props to General Mills for capitalizing on this capitalist ennui with a playful twist of Halloween spirit.

There’s a lot to talk about here, so allow me to take a deep breath and cancel that impulsive tattoo parlor appointment I made to get #FrankenBerry2016 inked on my forehead.

First things first: the boxes! It appears that the limited availability retro boxes from years past are returning, and even though they can’t enter the election, Canada is getting all three monster cereals this year, too. But alongside the retro boxes are three brand new election boxes—pictured above—for each barely corporeal candidate. Judging on posture alone, Boo Berry is in support of a generically optimistic future, Count Chocula is doing it all for his ego, and Franken Berry is just trying to show the public that he “is not a spook!”

Oh, and before anyone asks, Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy are only appearing as back-of-the-box silhouettes this year. Sorry, Brute and Mummy fans: someday the Cherry and Orange parties will rise up against this nation’s three-party system.

While showing your allegiance and winning bragging rights is a prize in itself, voting online for your favorite monster (once per day) enters you into a sweepstakes for either $5,000 or “spooky prizes.” These tempting prizes include headphones, retro monster t-shirts, and loot caches of monster cereals. Since I would probably just spend the $5,000 on those three things anyway, if I won I’d prefer to cut out the middle man and just have industrial-sized crates of Count Chocula delivered directly to my house.

I plan to build myself a mausoleum out of them.

Now that we know the stakes (sorry for that one, Count Chocula), we can assess our options. The bios on the Monsters Cereal Election site have punny positives and negatives for each breakfast icon, but I thought I’d go a little more ideological with my analysis.

Count Chocula 2016

Pros:

+ He loves to eat cereal at night, just like the common man!

+ His “pro-pointed teeth philosophy” will cut our national can opener budget by 50%

+ Who needs to worry about Air Force One when our president is a literal bat?

Cons:

– Can we trust a nocturnal candidate to remain safe under the cloak of darkness, especially when stake production is at an all time high? We already know that Chocula will pick his chocolatey comrade Sonny as his vice president; do we really want someone who regularly goes Cuckoo in charge of our cereal military?

– Will the Count’s own personal weaknesses lead to a biased, nationwide ban on garlic? Someone please think of the Olive Gardens!

– How can the Count serve as a reflection of the American people if he can’t even see his own?

Boo Berry 2016

Pros:

+ With his dapper bowler and bow tie, Boo has the best fashion sense. Capes went out of style centuries ago, and steam pipe noggin implants haven’t been a chic accessory since the Industrial Revolution.

+You know those Kellogg’s Fruity Snacks? If Boo Berry is our leader, every pouch on the market will consist entirely of sweet, sweet blueberries.

+ Congress will be much quicker to make decisions under the leadership of Speaker of the House Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Cons:

– With a crippling weakness to vacuums, will a Boo presidency be vulnerable to nefariously placed Oval Office Roombas?

– His campaign theme song will undoubtedly be “I’m Blue.” Are any of us really prepared to hear “da ba dee da ba daa” for the next 4-8 years?

– If we’re voting for a candidate without a physical body, will we technically need to fill out absentee ballots?

Franken Berry 2016

Pros:

+ Frank is the brightest proponent of keeping neon artificial colors in cereal. Shine bright, my pink brother.

+ Franken Berry’s commitment to delicious strawberry taste means that school lunches nationwide will consist of fresh strawberries, fresh strawberries, strawberry milk, a bowl of Strawberry Tiny Toast mixed with Strawberry Cheerios, and a gummed-up wad of pink Starburst and strawberry Laffy Taffy for dessert. Now that’s brain food I can get behind.

+ Have you seen the size of this guy? He could single-handedly solve our nation’s “cats stuck in trees” epidemic!

Cons:

– As a monster pieced together from so many parts, how can we be sure Frank’s views are actually his own?

– What will Franken Berry do when strawberries are out of season? Will he have enough powdered preserves stockpiled to fill the Washington D.C. Reflecting Pool with Strawberry Jell-O well into winter?

– He’ll never get over that whole “Pink Poop-gate” scandal from back in ’71.

As you can see, it’s a tough choice. But I’m voting for my man Franken Berry. I like an underdog, and even though he’s polling poorly as of this article’s writing, I’m proud to say that according to the Monster Cereal Election site’s map, my Mitten State home is still waving our Frank flags high.

So who are you voting for? I’d love to hear a good debate, but don’t start any flame wars in the comments section. You know how Franken Berry feels about fire.

UPDATE: My 2016 Count Chocula review is here!

(Header image and banner via General Mills. Back-of-the-box image via Mikey H. on Facebook)