Ceeee-le-brate meh times, c’mon!

Just as every bootleg Chuck E. Cheese birthday party—what, you’ve never been to Buck G. Brie?—is bound to be punctuated by a cake so paradoxically full of empty sweetness and frosted typos, so too is a Pop-Tarts gala destined for the apex of adequacy.

Following three successful Pop-Tarts Bites launches that run a rich flavor gamut of Strawberry, Brown Sugar Cinnamon, and Chocolatey Fudge, Kellogg’s is commemorating the occasion not with a fan-favorite taste like S’Mores or Wild Berry, but with…Confetti Cake. As a former grocery store bakery worker, let me earnestly say this:

What a load of sheet.

Look, I’m not saying Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts Bites will be bad, but if recent caked-on breakfast products are any indication, this is just an excuse to dump sugar, vanilla and maybe buttercream into a churning cauldron and call it a day.

Even more perplexing are the naming conventions within the Pop-Tarts Bites sub-brand. Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts became Chocolatey Fudge Bites, and now Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts are simply Confetti Cake Bites. Is this an accidental oversight, or am I meant to believe that these teeny pastries contain more concerted cake flavor than a Tart five times their size?

Either way, we’ll find out soon when Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts Bites drop and I end up eating them by the cupful.