Who needs Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or The Dark Knight when you can have edible cereal trilogies? After all, the “One Ring to rule them all” has nothing on the sugary loops of Frosted Cheerios. Forget “ruling:” I’d rather be drooling.

And speaking of cereal trilogies, coming soon to a pantry near you is LOVE GROWN FOODS’ new trio of kid-focused, bean-based cereals. I previewed them last week, but now it’s time to ditch the “p” and get right down to the crunchy business of reviewing.

So grab the leftover holiday casserole, buy a few cans of Busch’s, grind up some coffee, and put on a Rowan Atkinson DVD, because today is all about beans!

In addition to a quality score, I will rate how pronounced the bean flavor is in each cereal. While a bean taste isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I feel it’s important to note for those apprehensive people whose initial reaction to the idea of a bean-based cereal is “frijole crap!”

First up is Chocolate Comet Crispies, which, I was disappointed to learn, have nothing to do with Comet the dog from Full House. In fact, the chocolate content means he probably could never even eat these. Oh, life’s sad irony.

When eaten dry, the bean-y flavor is quite intense. A dull, muted cocoa powder flavor lurks behind it, but the vegetable taste largely eclipses it.

In milk, things get a lot more interesting. The milk “activates” a rich chocolate flavor, though over time it drains from the crisped pieces and puddles into the endmilk. This leaves behind lumps of cocoa bean mush marinaded in a thick fudge sauce. Despite that description, which sounds like a strange dessert you could order at a vegetarian restaurant, it’s actually quite tasty.

If they still made those Oreos Fun Stix straws, I’d happily use one to sip this endmilk by the bottle.

The rounded, puffed pieces are more buff and dense than Rice Krispies, so I actually felt full after a bowl. Not full enough to fly to the moon, mind you, but full enough to spend the rest of my morning making happy crayon drawings of Scooby-Doo and Mac Tonight reviving the Apollo program.

Average bean-iness: 6.5 out of 10

Overall score: 8 orders of “cocoa bean mush with fudge sauce” out of 10

Next up was Fruity Sea Stars. I have mixed opinions on star-shaped cereals. Sometimes the conical points can make for a playful, charming mouthfeel, but in some cases, they get too pointy and become tiny caltrops that abuse the poor warhorse that is my tongue (a big thank you goes out to all the medieval warfare books I read as a child for allowing me to actually reference “caltrops”).

I expected this cereal to have a tropical berry profile, reminiscent of Froot Loops. But instead, Fruity Sea Stars are more like an imaginary “Limited Edition Pink Lemonade Froot Loops” (who wants to bet that those are coming this summer?)

The little Patrick Star pieces of this cereal have an almost unnoticeably light bean flavor. Instead, there’s a very zesty and juicy citrus flavor, and it nearly becomes sour at times. I’m no fruit statistician, but I’d call it 85% lemon, 10% orange, 4% bean, and 1% “ouch! I just bit my tongue so now I taste blood.”

And just like how I wouldn’t recommend adding milk to your lemonade, I wouldn’t recommend milk for these, either. Moistening the citrus taste brings its acidity a little too close to “Lemon Pledge” for my liking.

All in all, Fruity Sea Stars aren’t bad, but I’d really have to be in the mood for them. These beans are unlikely to accompany my morning mug of hot coffee bean beverage, but I could see enjoying them dry alongside a tall glass of high pulp OJ and an old VHS of Pulp Fiction.

Average bean-iness: 2.5 out of 10

Overall score: 5.5 fruit pie charts out of 10

I saved the most interesting sounding cereal for last: Blueberry Vanilla Polar Puffs. Aside from Cascadian Farm Vanilla Berry Puffs and the recently released Mini-Wheats Harvest Delights, blueberries and vanilla are a relatively obscure cereal combo. Here’s hoping these cereals pave the way for other “berries and cream cereals,” like strawberries or peaches and cream.

Though I sincerely hope they leave that Starburst Berries and Cream guy out of it.

Pouring out and munching a bowl of these creme and magenta puffs, the flavor was a bit confounding. The bean definitely hit me first, lean and mean, but I didn’t get much else. When I doused them in milk, the pleasant vanilla cream taste definitely stood out—much like it did in the other LOVE GROWN FOODS cereal I reviewed—but even as I strained my tastebuds to work overtime, I got nothing more than faint notes of generic berry dust.

So for those in the market for a cereal that’s somehow creamy and crunchy at the same time, this cereal will scratch your itch for synesthesia. And hey, if the lack of berry taste has really got you feeling blue, there’s probably a cheap bag of frozen blueberries in the freezer aisle just waiting to dance with these milky puffs.

Average bean-iness: 7.5 out of 10

Overall score: 6.5 spherical vanilla cupcakes out of 10

All in all, LOVE GROWN FOODS has a cereal for every occasion here. The fudgy chocolate puree of milky Chocolate Comet Crispies would make a fine dessert, the citrusy Fruity Sea Stars are a great bag of beachside treats (even in the dead of winter), and Blueberry Vanilla Polar Puffs will definitely be sneaking their way into my fruit & yogurt parfaits for the next few weeks.

Since I’m somehow mentally exhausted after eating three bowls of cereal, instead of straining for an appropriate conclusion, I’ll just leave you with this vaguely menacing close-up of the walrus from the Polar Puffs box.

Just look at him there.

Floating.

Waiting.

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***NOTE: The folks at LOVE GROWN FOODS were nice enough to provide these to me as samples (thanks!), but you should be able to find them in the Kroger family of stores.***