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Forget Christmas in July: it’s Halloween in May. 

I thought last year that America’s years-long obsession with pumpkin-spicing everything—a fanatacism not unlike Beatlemania, if the Fab Four were cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice and ginger—had finally given way to caramel apple hysteria. And I was secretly hoping that this year’s sensation would be pecan pie, the dark horse delight of autumn’s junk food cornucopia.

But if Tony the Tiger’s Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes are any indication, then those Four Horsemen of the A-pumpk-alypse are gonna keep on blazing through on cloven hooves. And possible earlier than ever, as Met Foods of New York’s (big thanks for sharing!) tantalizing sneak peek beats even Black Friday and undercooked turkey in terms of early bird action.

No other news to share right now in terms of release date, locations, or flavor—feel free to browse the pumpkin spice tag on this post if you need early spooky spirit—but if the big honkin’ slice of pie on the box is any indication, I’ll be replacing my milk with whipped cream come October.

Post isn’t just making a comeback. They’re winning a two-front war.

Perhaps sparked into valor by an old post of mine lauding Cap’n Crunch’s admiral-ble efforts, Post Foods has escaped its darkest era in creative style, not just restoring Honeycomb’s former glory, but also ushering in a potential Golden age of euphoric cookie cereals.

I must’ve insulted their Alpha-Bits one too many times.²

But they didn’t stop there. After acquiring Malt-O-Meal, Post has been killing it in the big-bagged fight, too. And with their latest release, Post’s March to the Sea (of Cereal Valhalla, presumably) shows no sign of slowing.

It’s a pair of cereal pairings with Cold Stone Creamery: Birthday Cake Remix, which features cake batter flavored ice cream and chocolate marshmallows, and Our Strawberry Blonde, which boasts a tantalizing mix of honey graham squares, strawberry puffs, and marshmallows.

I could go on² about how geniously delicious these sound—an iconically off-brand brand like M-O-M pairing with a big one like this? I would’ve expected Hot Rock Moo-Mill—but I’ll save it for my reviews. Until now, I’ll be fashioning a hospitable cave between the cereal and bread aisles at my local Walmart.

¹Can you tell I’m desperately trying to get myself a footnote in the next cereal history book?)

²Seriously: directly one-upping Cookie Crisp and Cocoa Puffs in one fell swoop? For a brand without a mascot, that sure takes unimaginable cajones.

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(Check out our full review of Hardee’s & Carls Jr.’s Froot Loops Donuts!)

Praise the sun god (by which I mean the Raisin Bran mascot)! Cereal and doughnuts are a match made in personal heaven.

See, I secretly adore doughnuts (which I spell the correct way. Yeesh/yeast, Carl, get it right). From Twin Peaks to The Simpsons, the nutrional desert of a morning dessert that is the doughnuts rivals even cereal in terms of breakfasts with cultural significance. That’s why I’ve (mentally) preached that the two should just merge into a single vessel of breakfast singularity

We’ve gotten plenty of great doughnut cereals recently, and now Carl’s Jr. is helping usher in the second crumbing with new Froot Loops Donuts, which look like SpongeBob’s Pretty Patties and probably taste just as good.

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A few users now have posted proof of their existence, despite radio silence on all CJ’s official channels—he’s probably busy making out with Hardee’s—but I still don’t know much about the flavor makeup. What I do know is that big bad Carlton didn’t stop there. (Slight profanity warning ahead: tell the kids to go watch the washing machine spin around)

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Yes, Carl’s Jr. is putting even Burger King’s Froot Loops Shake to shame with their Froot Loops Donut Shake, a product name that sounds like a demerit-worthy run-on sentence. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to try either due to my geographic isolation from any of Carl’s star-studded houses of sinful decadence, so for now, I’ll just plan to live vicariously through you lucky dogs’ arteries.

(Now I’m remembering why this isn’t a doughnut review blog)

This is a big step for Toucan Sam.

After decades of keeping his proprietary Froot formula under lock and key, he’s finally delving into the world of known flora for flavoring his ambiguously fruity products. Granted, it’s a baby step: the only “Wild Berry” specifically referenced on the box is a raspberry (and even that could be a convincing Swedish Gummy Berry). But that still brings us one step closer to convincing old Toucan Samuel just what exotic, deserted island fruit he uses to make normal Froot Loops.

Because once he opens his beak, the rests of us can cultivate Froot plants at home, and bake Froot Pies, which we all know is what the All-American Apple Pie™ was destined to evolve into.

But before we extend the 4th of July to a two-day holiday to celebrate, let’s humor Toucan Sam by trying his Wild Berry Froot Loops. Will they be an interestingly exotic cousin of the original Loops, or some sort of bizarro evil twin who I’ll have to send back to the wild wild shadow realm with the blunt end of a shovel?

Let’s find out!

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It may only be May, but where I live, the groundhog-empowered, seemingly never-ending winter has so quickly given way to a summery heatwave that spring is but a…wait, what’s spring again? Some sort of stacked potato chip, right?

Sorry if the heat has jumbled my neural circuitry a bit—everyone knows that doing something as simple as calling for a cable appointment in A/C-less heat is frustrating enough to leave Dante quivering. I’m trying to self-medicate with fans at turbine speed and frozen vegetables to the cranium, but thanks to Blue Bunny, I can take my medicine by mouth.

The ice cream brand’s newest Mini Swirls—fancy name for cones the size (and shape) of a witch’s bird-flipping finger—is exciting enough to bring frozen scooped desserts back to this blog. They rarely appear due to my mild lactose intolerance, but I’ll make exceptions for things like corn-flaked Oreos.

Aptly titled “Cinnamon Cereal” these waffle cones—which are small enough to comfortably clasp (like a pencil) and eat (not like a pencil)—are topped with ice cream, a vanilla coating, and knock-off Cinnamon Toast Crunch. We’ll call it Cinnamon Broast Munch.

Mmm, broiled cereal!

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