By putting the Froot Loops name on a new fruit snacks product, as well as the friendly visage of Toucan Sam himself, Kellogg’s better be ready for comparisons to be drawn between the snacks and Froot Loops cereal itself (after all, that’s the only reason we’re featuring these!).
Even more important, though, is that Froot Loops Letters are also going to be compared to Kellogg’s other fruit snacks. Oh yeah, you know which ones I mean. Continue reading →
Ever since Sir Lancelot first used his spear to skewer a medieval marshmallow over a fire (note to self: edit Wikipedia later to make this seem true), this same horrific joke has come to ruin countless summer bonfires like a punny plague, all because of that one guy who always thinks this joke is so funny. You know the one: smug grin, weird cutoff jean shorts, and everyone kinda wonders who even invited him.
What would Tony the Tiger say about the new Frosted Flakes with Energy Clusters from Kellogg’s? And I mean the real, Thurl Ravenscroft-voiced Tony the Tiger, not the meme-spouting CGI self-parody he has become. My guess is something along the lines of:
“They’re GRRRRanulated indictments of the 21st century zeitgeist’s perplexing infatuation with ‘health-ifying’ every facet of their day, despite the tendency of producers to use puffery and buzzwords to beguile and mislead!”
Or maybe he’d just say they’re great. Tomato, to-mah-toe, right? Continue reading →
“Toasted Oatmeal Flakes? That sounds like the kind of boring cereal that’s been sitting in the back of my grandma’s pantry since the Great Depression forced people to hand-toast their oatmeal. I almost fell asleep halfway through reading the word OatmZzzZz…”
But your weirdly specific thought would be wrong. Because these are good. So good that, somewhere in the ghostly beyond, the Quaker Oats guy is shaking his fist and bellowing:
And so begins the introduction to Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Awakens, Realizes It is Hungry, Checks the Pantry, Sees Only Star Wars Cereal, Groans, and Heads Back to BedContinue reading →
The cereal aisle has become a genuine clusterf*** of “extreme” styled cereal boxes boasting to passerby that their addition of oat clusters has somehow made a sugar-filled classic into something more suitable for the health-conscious.
Somewhere nearby, Honey Bunches of Oats smirks smugly at all the newbies: he’s had energy-packed clusters since 1989!
The latest of these breakfast bandwagoners is Chex Clusters. Continue reading →
Canada Day occurred this past week, and this weekend marks the much-beloved American Independence Day (you can tell it’s July 4th solely by the collective sound of several million ketchup bottles squelching their tomato-y innards in unison over millions more hot dogs and hamburgers). But this is Cerealously, not “Catching Up with Ketchup,” so let’s talk about what really matters.
I was lucky enough to spend this past week on vacation with my family that has become a loving American-Canadian hybrid. What this meant was that the pantry shelves were packed tight with snacks of both origins, a union which I viewed as an edible symbol of our countries’ goodwill. I mean, is there anything more beautiful than learning French as you eat?
Picture it: you angrily punch the alarm clock and groan loudly to the heavens above your bleary, slowly focusing eyes.
It’s Monday again, so you try to channel your inner Garfield and muster up some sarcastic quip, but the lingering sleepies in your eyes prevent any coherent thought. Oh well, so much for the orange cat. At least you do have leftover lasagna for lunch. Or is it linguini?
Hey! Enough dawdling! You have to go to work!
You stumble and bumble through your morning routine (Pants on right-side-out? Check. Sickeningly black coffee brewing? Check.), even though your mind is still in last night’s dream with Carmen Electra and that piñata in a jacuzzi. If you’re gonna make it through Johnson’s 9am “productivity jamboree,” you’re gonna need something wholesome, yet satisfying for breakfast.
So you tear open the pantry like Chewbacca tears off arms, and you see the sun smiling back at you. No, not that flaming hot, helium-loving ball in the sky: this is a good sun. The one proudly hoisting twin scoops on your familiar purple box of Raisin Bran Crunch. Continue reading →
