Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Frosted Blue Raspberry Pop-Tarts

Lower your pitchforks, everyone!

I know: these new Frosted Blue Raspberry Pop-Tarts aren’t cereal! This is heresy! I should be impeached as editor-in-chief of this site and replaced with a candidate who uses fewer parentheses and unnecessary similes (I use as many parentheses as a mathematician doodling emoticons on his master’s thesis)!

But just hear me out. I’ve previously mentioned my love of Pop-Tarts, and I still stand by it. The way I see it, no other snack better embodies the spirit of cereal quite like Pop-Tarts. They have shiny wrappers that make you giddy just looking at them. Their neon frosting and filling aren’t trying to hide for one second the fact that they’re crammed with enough delicious sugar to make an elephant twitch. And best of all, their addictive flavor practically begs you to mow through a stack of them while marathoning re-runs of Full House.

So if the Pope can be an honorary Harlem Globetrotter, Pop-Tarts can be an honorary breakfast cereal. And hey: maybe they’ll even go all the way again someday. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts. 3 Comments

Aug. ’15

Review: Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch Cereal

Think, Dan. Think.

Think about armed guards. Think about snowy fortresses. Think about architectural impossibilities that couldn’t be understood even by the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page. Okay, it’s no use: I give up.

That was my honest attempt at trying to protect my thoughts from being tampered with again. Like what’s-his-face-who-isn’t-Leo in Inception, I have reason to believe that someone can read my subconscious. And that someone works at General Mills.

See, this review is for the Big G’s intriguing Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch. As I poured my bowl for review purposes and took the inaugural spoonful, I quickly realized that I had eaten a cereal like this before. But this was no cereal you would find on store shelves. No, this cereal—whose doppelgänger I held before me—was a product of my own ideation. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, cheerios, general mills. 4 Comments

Aug. ’15

Review: Cap’n Crunch Caramel Popcorn Crunch Cereal

Amongst the rugged cardboard skyline of my pantry, one smiling cartoon face loomed above the rest. Dwarfing the Froot Loops and Cheerios like a corn-filled Tower of Babel, Cap’n Crunch’s new Caramel Popcorn Crunch is tall. So tall, in fact, that I have to lay the box horizontally just to complete my game of cupboard Tetris.

So if Caramel Popcorn Crunch insists on being so high maintenance, its flavor better be good enough to make up for all the real estate it’s sucking up. With box art evoking a movie theater experience (I like to imagine Cap’n Crunch grinning through the entirety of The Hunt for Red October), this cereal seeks to fill a breakfast flavor void that none of us were really asking for but have suddenly realized that we’ve wanted all along: caramel popcorn. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cap'n crunch, quaker. 1 Comment

Aug. ’15

Review: Kellogg’s Origins Ancient Grains Blend Touch of Honey Cereal

Hey Brendan Fraser, are you listening? Because boy, have I got a role for you!

At least that was my first thought after reading the long-winded name of Kellogg’s Origins Ancient Grains Blend Touch of Honey. Something about it makes it feel like the title of a lost sequel in The Mummy franchise, in which an unsuspecting archaeologist investigates the mysterious origins of an ancient people made entirely of anthropomorphized grain.

But there’s no bandaged mascots or occult monsters to be found here (sorry, Yummy Mummy fans!): just a cereal chock-full of earthy, grainy flavor. Oh, and honey. But just a touch of it. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, kelloggs. 7 Comments

Aug. ’15

Review: Taco Bell Cap’n Crunch Delights

So Cap’n Crunch and I are pretty tight.

I mean, we follow each other and regularly converse on Twitter, he’s sent me t-shirts and letters, and heck, I even quoted him in my senior yearbook.

I really, really wish I was kidding about that last one.

Since we’re total cereal bros (still not sure how the Cap’n hasn’t implemented “sea-real” puns yet), hearing the news of Taco Bell’s new Cap’n Crunch Delights made me more excited than Smedley the Elephant. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, cap'n crunch, non cereal. Leave a comment

Aug. ’15

Review: Kashi Sweet Potato Sunshine Cereal

Black Friday must have gone too far this time.

Since the shop-and-stomp bonanza keeps starting earlier and earlier—now beginning well into Thanksgiving Day—our favorite turkey munching holiday has also been forced to start early. Over 3 months early, in fact.

At least, this is the only reasonable explanation I can think of that Kashi Sweet Potato Sunshine cereal is already on store shelves. Because this cereal tastes like Thanksgiving dinner in your cereal bowl. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, kashi. 1 Comment

Aug. ’15

Review: Minions Banana Berry Flavor Cereal

I know, I know.

You’re probably sick of seeing these little yellow dudes everywhere. From the neighborhood crane machine, to to the little stickers on bananas, all the way to the life quote meme your grandma shared on Facebook in all caps, they’ve invaded every aspect of daily life with their soulless, goggled eyes and Twinkie-esque bodies.

But now that Minion fever is beginning to taper off, it’s time for a rational, clear-headed look at one of the more interesting Minions-branded products to hit shelves: General Mills’ “special edition” Minions cereal. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, banana, general mills. 1 Comment

Aug. ’15

Review: French Toast Crunch Cereal

French Toast Crunch is a rare breed in the winding history of cereal, and its storyline seems more fitting for a series of Christopher Nolan movies than for a box of sweetened corn pieces.

Upon its introduction in 1995, French Toast Crunch was a hero. Beloved by children, adults, seniors, dogs, and sea urchins (probably) alike for its unique maple flavor, French Toast Crunch was something worth writing about in your Trapper Keeper. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 10 rating, general mills, maple, toast crunch. 4 Comments