Category Archives: Reviews

09

Dec. ’15

Review: Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal

IMG_4158‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

Not a cookie was baking, not even a Toll House.

Even the Oreos had been eaten (I licked them all so I wouldn’t have to share!)

But what would the kids leave out for Santa, who soon would be there?

The children searched their pantry, shoving aside the Wonder Bread,

While visions of a pissed off, hungry Santa clutched his stomach in their heads.

Mom and dad grumbled; they were tired of this crap,

So they threw a box of Holiday Sprinkles Cookie Crisp into the children’s laps.

“Santa doesn’t need real cookies,” Dad said. “They’ll just make him fatter.”

“Give him this cereal, but go easy on the milk; we don’t want a soggy disaster!” Continue reading →

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07

Dec. ’15

Review: Trix Cereal without Artificial Flavors & Colors

IMG_4153Times change, friends.

When they debuted in 1955, Trix were in spherical shapes. But in the 1990s, they became the fruit-shaped pieces that many today insist they always have been. It wasn’t until 2007 that Trix became spheres once more, and the fruit-shapes were left to populate every single BuzzFeed “Top 25 Foods from our Childhood that We Want Back NOW! You Won’t BELIEVE #12!” article from now until eternity.

Oh, and apparently fruit-shaped Trix are still a thing in Mexico. I smell a fruit-scented roadtrip!

And now that General Mills has removed artificial colors and flavors from Trix, some are, again, mourning the loss of a childhood staple. But wait! Back when they debuted, Trix only came in orange, lemon, and raspberry flavors! As these artificial color-free Trix adopt a similar color scheme, it can be said that the cereal really has come full circle.

Or should I say full sphere?

Either way, I’m here to answer the hard-hitting question that you, your family, and probably even the United Nations have been debating: will they taste the same as”regular” Trix? Continue reading →

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03

Dec. ’15

Review: Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Cereal

IMG_4149We’re a few days deep into December now, and even though I have yet to be buried a few feet deep in snow, the holiday spirit is already coursing through my veins like some sort of magical energizing fifth humor that the Greeks never noticed. Or maybe I’m just feeling a rush from all the sugar in this Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch.

Returning in a new, vibrant red packaging for 2015 (SCTC debuted last winter), Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch combines 4 of the greatest words of all time into one great cereal name. I mean, seriously: sugar, cookie, toast, and crunch. Each of these words on its own represents something fantastic and delightful, and now they’re all partying together in the form of white powdered flakes.

The only way General Mills could’ve made the name more badass is if they somehow worked in the word “Tyrannosaurus.”

Continue reading →

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27

Nov. ’15

Review: Kashi Honey Sunshine Cereal

IMG_1162Despite the cornu-copious stacks of Thanksgiving leftovers filling my fridge like a game of tupperware Jenga, after Hot Turkey Sandwich #3, I’m left hungry for something simpler. Something that doesn’t need 45 seconds in the microwave and then 45 more seconds in the microwave because the outside didn’t feel hot but the inside is secretly fiery magma that’s about to give my tongue a sizzling suplex.

And what exactly is that something? Well take one more look at the name of this website and then guess.

That’s right: I need some cereal!

And since I’ve already reviewed the most Thanksgiving-y cereal on store shelves, I’m gonna sit my buns down on the couch-y and snuggle up with a different bowl of Kashi. Since the days are growing shorter and colder, it felt right to go with Honey Sunshine. Besides, with Black Friday upon us, we certainly could use a little sunshine. Continue reading →

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20

Nov. ’15

Review: Kashi Sprouted Grains Cereal

IMG_4111What happened here?

There’s a bowl in front of me. There’s a little bit of milk left in it, and it’s tinted a light beige, as if there had once been a cereal bathing in its milky goodness.

But…but I can’t remember eating any cereal recently. My palate feels clean and unflavored; no sugary aftertaste sits comfortably on my tongue.

What happened here?

If you’ve ever seen the movie Memento, I invite you to read that first bit of confused rambling in the smoky voice of Guy Pearce himself. And while that narrative may be a bit hyperbolic, it is quite reflective of my experience with Kashi’s “new” Sprouted Grains cereal.

And hey, while I’m on a Memento kick (a remake was just announced!), let’s just do this review backwards, too. I hope you can humor me long enough to follow along.

Continue reading →

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16

Nov. ’15

Review: Fiber One Raisin Bran Clusters Cereal

IMG_4104Happy belated National Raisin Bran Cereal Day, everyone!

That’s right, yesterday, November 15 was dedicated to everyone’s favorite (and by “everyone,” I of course mean me and that weird guy who’s always hanging out behind the laundromat) type of cereal: the crunchy, fruity, and oftentimes cluster-packed combo that is raisin bran.

When the sun rose that beautiful morning, it was triumphantly holding two scoops. I sent out Raisin Bran Day greeting cards to all my friends (custom made; lousy Hallmark won’t recognize the holiday yet).

I bought presents for my colleagues (nothing brings a smile to someone’s face faster than a shoebox full of raisins and soggy flakes).

And I would’ve blown out the candles on a Raisin Bran Day cake, too, but the darn milk kept extinguishing the flame.

Okay, maybe none of that was true. But I did eat an embarrassingly large number of raisin bran-filled bowls. And while I’m paying for it this morning, I think it’s time to review another of the many raisin ban options available to all my fellow raisin ravers. Last week it was Trader Joe’s. Today?

Fiber One Raisin Bran Clusters.

Continue reading →

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14

Nov. ’15

Review: Quaker Real Medleys Granola & Yogurt Blend Strawberry & Almond

IMG_4091*panting*

Sorry, I just need to catch my breath after typing out the name of this sort of new…what do I even call it? Yogurt cup? Granola yogurt? Cardboard receptacle for flavored powder and milk that features the grinning face of a friendly old man?

I’m just gonna call it grano-gurt for short.

But the fact of the matter is, the mass of words and ampersands in the name of this grano-gurt is a testament to just how ridiculously large the number of Quaker products out there is. With so many Quaker oat guy faces in the oatmeal/granola/hot cereal aisle, you’d think it was some weird oatmeal parody of Attack of the Clones. I mean, “Quinoa” sounds like the name of a Star Wars planet anyway.

In fact, the medley of words on this Real Medleys grano-gurt was so confusing, I didn’t even realize until I opened it that it wasn’t oatmeal at all. Regardless, granola is a close enough relative of cereal that I’ll give it a review anyway.

Anything to stop those dead, staring Quaker guy eyes from piercing into my soul.

Continue reading →

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08

Nov. ’15

Review: Trader Joe’s Organic Raisin Bran Clusters Cereal

IMG_4084Raisin bran isn’t just a cereal. It’s a lifestyle. A lifestyle I have to defend.

From friends, to family, to Jerry Seinfeld, many people make fun of raisin bran as a boring, healthy cereal. The kind of cereal where fun goes to die. The kind of cereal only fit for cracking lazy jokes about “regularity.”

But I defend raisin bran. Because while these spiteful rai-sinners poke fun at raisin bran cereals’ supposed blandness, there’s actually a wealth of diversity and innovation within the many different kinds of raisin bran available to ravenous bran-imals like me.

And today it’s time to talk about one of the best: Trader Joe’s Organic Raisin Bran Clusters.

Continue reading →

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