Category Archives: Reviews

29

Dec. ’15

Review: Kellogg’s Frosted Watermelon Pop-Tarts

IMG_1247Christmas is less than a week behind us. Even though snow is still falling, tacky wreaths are still hanging, and leftover stuffing is still being refrigerated, Kellogg’s just released what might be their summeriest Pop-Tart yet (wait, “summeriest” is really a word? Saying it out loud makes me feel like a kindergartener who got vocabulary lessons from a slurring, drunken pirate).

They’re Frosted Watermelon Pop-Tarts, and even though this flavor existed way back in the ancient 1990s (doesn’t that picture look like something out of a bootleg Zoombinis game?), the nearly two decades between its appearances has nevertheless made this flavor pop up in the headlines of clickbait articles everywhere: “4 INSANE New Pop-Tart Flavors You’d be CLINICALLY INSANE to Try!”

But is it true? Will this flavor have me starring in One Chewed Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? Or will it be no zanier than Wild Grape Pop-Tarts? It’s time to stuff my toaster, stuff my face, and tell you all about this stuff. Continue reading →

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28

Dec. ’15

Review: Kellogg’s Jif PB&J Cereal

IMG_1242Let me tell you a story, dear readers. The story of PB&J cereal.

Introduced by Quaker in the late ’80s, PB&J featured light brown peanut butter puff pieces accompanied by light magenta jelly puffs. Rumor has it that it only reached isolated test markets, and other conspiracy theorists doubt whether it existed at all.

Either way, what we do know is that PB the explorer and his canine pal J, the mascots of PB&J cereal, are now mysterious relics of cereal lore, and they have long left fans of the famous grade school lunch sandwich wishing for a cereal with the same flavor.

But now, Kellogg’s is hoping to satisfy the cravings of PB&J nuts with this brand new cereal. It’s Jif PB&J, and it combines Jif peanut butter pieces with strawberry jelly puffs. So allow me to pretend I’m in 4th grade again, as I open my crinkling bag to review this hopefully nostalgic treat.

(Man, Kellogg’s really missed an opportunity by not packaging it in brown paper lunch bags.) Continue reading →

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23

Dec. ’15

Review: Rice Krispies with Holiday Colors Cereal

IMG_1217It’s Christmas Eve Eve, or, as some call it: Christmas Adam.

The icing smiles on my gingerbread men are drying, unaware of the gruesome fates that will soon befall them. My cat is snuggled under my tree, equally unaware that presents will soon be infringing on her pine-scented territory. And, of course, there’s me, doing my best Dune voice in front of my refrigerator and whispering, “The nog must flow” to a room populated only by myself, a cat, and an army of doughy gentlemen.

Oh! And there’s this box of Rice Krispies with Holiday Colors! Continue reading →

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21

Dec. ’15

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch Cereal (2015)

IMG_1204I bet you expected me to start this review off with a snarky Christmas pun, right? Well to completely subvert your expectations, allow me to pose you a question:

Do you remember that episode of Yu-Gi-Oh where the villainous Maximillion Pegasus traps Yugi’s grandpa in soulless, unmoving card?

Though I’m sure the majority response to my question will be “Of course not: I have better uses for my brain’s real estate than oddly specific memories of early 2000s children’s cartoons,” this reference is appropriate for reviewing 2015’s rendition of Cap’n Crunch’s annual Christmas Crunch offering.

Why?

Because the gosh darn box refuses to change or have any soul! Continue reading →

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17

Dec. ’15

Review: Trader Joe’s Organic Triple Ginger Instant Oatmeal

IMG_4184Oh…oh dear. Am I ready for this?

I’m still trying to treat my tongue gingerly after the unexpected burn from the ginger land mines it had the misfortune to provoke while eating Trader Joe’s Cranberry Gingerbread Granola earlier this week. But now the mysterious, faceless Trader Joe is serving up a steamy bowl of oats that contains not just single ginger or double ginger, but triple ginger!

That’s like, “you must be over 18 in order to eat this” levels of ginger. (Side note: I wouldn’t recommend searching for “triple ginger” with Google SafeSearch off. Things will get steamy for a whole different reason).

Regardless, it’s time to expose my tongue to all 3 degrees of ginger, even if that means exposing it to 3rd degree burns, too.

Continue reading →

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15

Dec. ’15

Review: Froot Loops with Winter Blast Marshmallows Cereal

IMG_4175Cash registers cha-ching, are you listening?

In the checkout lane, my bought milk is glistening.

A fruity sweet sight, I’ll be eating tonight:

Chalkin’ in a Winter Blast ‘mallow land!

Good luck topping that instant classic, Michael Bublé! That’s right, my fellow cereal-loving, holiday-hyping friends, today’s seasonally appropriate review will be of Froot Loops with Winter Blast Marshmallows, a new offering from Kellogg’s for 2015 that takes the Froot Loops we all know and love (to chug down with milk!) and pairs them with little white and blue winter chalk nuggets…I mean marshmallows!

But what do these “Winter Blast” marshmallows have that differentiates them from regular Froot Loops with Marshmallows, or even with this past October’s Halloween Froot Loops with Skeleton Marshmallows? I know you’re shaking with anticipation, so please just watch the entirety of this video, and then I’ll tell you! Continue reading →

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13

Dec. ’15

Review: Trader Joe’s Cranberry Gingerbread Granola

IMG_4169I love gingerbread. I’m saying it now. I’m saying it in short, staccato sentences. I love gingerbread men. I love gingerbread houses. I love the character of Gingy in the Shrek films. I insist people call me “Gingerbread Dan” around Christmastime. I’d give up an arm and a leg of my own if it meant getting the chance to bite the arms and legs off of a discontinued Kemps Gingerbread Man ice cream sandwich again.

I love their earthy color. I love the blend of spices. I love the molasses. But most of all, I love the sadistic joy of tearing a soft, pliable sugar man limb from tasty limb all in the name of holiday spirit. Please mention that last sentence in my eulogy.

I’ve campaigned for gingerbread flavored cereals before to no avail. So that’s why when I heard about Trader Joe’s new Cranberry Gingerbread Granola, my heart started pumping faster than the Gingerbread Man’s when he’s running away from those who chase him. But will this mix of “whole grain oats with dried cranberries, ginger, and wintry spices” be a winter win? Continue reading →

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11

Dec. ’15

Review: Quaker Real Medleys Steel Cut Apple Pear Pecan Flavor Oatmeal

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As the days get shorter, the names of all the Quaker oatmeal products out there keep getting longer. And while I may be about a month late on the “autumnal apple cinnamon” trend, I thought I’d toss out another oatmeal review for all of you out there who want to snuggle up by the fire with a warm bowl of mushy ‘meal.

So allow me to introduce the possibly new (who really knows when these things are new anymore? I think there are more Quaker oatmeal varieties than there are actual Quakers) Quaker Real Medleys Steel Cut Apple Pear Pecan Flavor Oatmeal!

Hey, these are steel cut! And steely is a synonym for cold-blooded! You know what else is cold?

Snow!

There’s the obvious winter connection. Phew, now I’m off the hook for being so late.

Continue reading →

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