Category Archives: Reviews

05

Dec. ’21

Bite-Sized Reviews: Swiss Miss Cocoa Puffs & Cap’n Crunch’s Merry Berries Popcorn

The latest in my light/bite-speed review series of cereals that aren’t novel enough to justify full Tolstoyan treatises: two holiday season quasi-re-releases that, though they are both outstandingly simple, feel very cozy if you can enjoy them while watching flurries fall outside your window (earmuffs and electric blanket optional, but highly recommended).

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11

Oct. ’21

Review: Apple Pie Toast Crunch

New Apple Pie Toast Crunch Review – Box

Picture this epicurean odyssey: it’s the day after Thanksgiving, and you’ve just finished a delightful franken-wich of fused leftovers—gravy-braised turkey suspended in cranberry sauce topped with a mashed potato schmear, all on a bun made from waffle-ironed stuffing.

And now it’s time for dessert, so you make Grandma’s classic: a fat slice of toasted bread thickly buttered with the purĂ©ed result of cramming an apple pie slice into your food processor.

At least, that’s what I picture when I think of “Apple Pie Toast,” the latest naming convention-transgressing foodstuff implied by the people who brought you “Frosted Toast” Crunch and “Sugar Cookie Toast” Crunch. I mean hey, I understand that it’s just the name of a cereal and therefore it doesn’t need to conform to reality, but c’mon, they did this flavor already with Apple Cinnamon Toast Crunch, a name I had no trouble accepting.

But whatever, I’m just grasping at semantic straws. If Apple Pie Toast Crunch is good, I’m willing to forgive its eponymous sin. Continue reading →

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16

Sep. ’21

Review: Krispy Kreme Cereal (Mexico Exclusive)

New Mexico Exclusive Krispy Kreme Cereal Review - Box

Kellogg’s new Krispy Kreme Cereal is weird. And I don’t say that because it’s a Mexico-exclusive cereal—though zany flavors that aren’t available stateside are certainly breakfast-aisle oddballs.

And I don’t call it weird because it comes in such a small box—weighing in at 190g vs your standard issue 280g Froot Loops—though there’s a strange, empty feeling that comes with knocking out a whole box of cereal within like, four or five regular-sized bowls of it. A.K.A., a typical weekend’s worth.

No, no, I call Krispy Kreme Cereal weird because it tastes weird! And I mean ‘weird’ not in the sense that it’s bad in any way, but in the way that’s like goodness gracious, me and mine, implacable flavor’s a-ticklin’ my mind. That’s right, the taste of Krispy Kreme Cereal is poetically elusive. I racked my brain buds and taste cells trying to identify the buttery(?), fried(?!), and perhaps, greasy(‽) note that prevails over each thick ‘n’ chunky cereal ring.

And those are some of the best adjectives I could come up with. Continue reading →

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13

Sep. ’21

Quick Review: Froot Loops Gummies

New Froot Loops Gummies Review

Sorry for the abbreviated review, but any morsel’d candy that doesn’t give me more than four pieces per container doesn’t deserve more than four paragraphs. Granted, you can find these new Froot Loops Gummies in 7oz packages (which would be like, upwards of 40 gummies), but all I could find were these trick-or-treat pouches, which comes 16 to a bag, and which take longer to open their wasteful packaging than they do to eat. They’re so small they can’t even be called fun-sized—to quote the venerable Strong Bad, “The only fun I’m going to have with this thing is smearing it all over your door when I leave.”

These portions are especially frustrating because Froot Loops Gummies are actually good. They really do taste like sweeter, tarter and juicier Froot Loops—though just like real Froot Loops, each color tastes the same.

However. this synthetic tropical smoothie of goodness also leaves behind a pretty iffy, throat-coating chemical aftertaste. It’s nothing too bad, but normally I would just start chain-chewing more gummies to mask the aftertaste. Can’t do that super speedily when I need to rip open my fifth-in-a-row pouch of the things.

Overall, Froot Loops Gummies are a fun and smartly flavored candy adaptation of a beloved cereal, but unless you can find ’em value sized, these toothsome toucan rings aren’t work the effort nor the plastic refuse.

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04

Sep. ’21

Review: Dunkin’ Cinnamon Cereal & Milk Latte

Dunkin' Cereal & Milk Latte - Cinnamon Review

Anybody else see this?

No?

Well, while we were all out funkin’ and drunken slam dunkin’, Dunkin’ Donuts was slunkin’. Smooth as cold brew, they slunk two whole Cereal & Milk Lattes onto their menu without any fervor or fanfare. Even I wouldn’t’ve heard about ’em if not for Stewart M. tweeting at me.

Turns out the reason these drinks are so hard to find out about, is because they’re hard to find in general. These lattes are test market items only available in Detroit, MI; Wheeling, WV; Pittsburgh, PA; Oklahoma City, OK; as well as Houston, Dallas, & San Antonio, Texas. So while I apologize to all who won’t be able to try Dunkin’s Cereal & Milk Lattes without great geographic difficulty, hot diggity darn: for like the first time in test market history, I’m near one of them! I can’t help but notice that West Virginia is also on the list, leading me to believe Dunkin’ was deliberately targeting cereal’s two foremost meditative cereal podcasters.

Long story short, I bought the Cinnamon Cereal & Milk Latte. Even though the Marshmallow one is more visually appealing, I feel like marshmallow flavoring in addition to the “sweet cold foam” would just be redundant. But how was it? Well, that’s more of a medium story…medium. Continue reading →

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15

Aug. ’21

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Popcorn

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Popcorn Review Bag

In the near future, non-cereal cereal-flavored foodstuffs will outlive cereals themselves. Our children’s children’s children will ask us, “wait, Cinnamon Toast Crunch wasn’t always a popcorn brand? Fruity Pebbles wasn’t always aquarium gravel? And Count Chocula used to make more than just edible abacuses?” And we will sit them on our laps and tell them tales of a time when you could pour crunchy little things in a bowl and eat them with milk—back before the Froot Loops-scented ICBMs fell and changed everything.

Yes, cereal–snack tie-ins are a never-ending trend, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Popcorn—currently still a Sam’s Club exclusive—is only the latest incarnation of innovation and temptation. But is it worthy of the Toast Crunch title? Well let me tell ya… Continue reading →

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08

Aug. ’21

Review: Monster Mash Cereal

New Monster Mash Cereal Review – Box

For fifty years now, the General Mills Monster Cereals have been harbingers of Halloweentime. When they start popping up on shelves around late-August, a vortex of orange and black seems to seems to swirl outwardly around them. July 4th fireworks become Pop Rocks, watermelons become pumpkins, campfire roasters become big plastic devil pitchforks, and you can feel a palpable chill in the air—probably from Target turning up the AC because, y’know, it’s August, but still.

One might even call the Monsters the Five Horsemen of the Halloween Season, though I’m not sure how I’d assign them apocalyptic analogues. Chocula is definitely Conquest, since he’s the ringleader. Towering powerhouse Franken Berry feels built for War, while Boo Berry is Death because ohhh, you know how ghosts are. I guess we can say Frute Brute is Famine, since he’s the biggest cult favorite fans have hungered for, while Yummy Mummy represents Pestilence in the form of some ancient Egyptian plague unleashed when someone drank sarcophagus juice like it was Ghoul-Aid.

Anyway, now that we’ve picked a group Halloween costume for this crunchy quintet, let’s talk about their 50th anniversary mega-cereal: Monster Mash. Hotly anticipated for months now—I swear, people get more excited about Monster Cereals than 1,031 new Toast Crunches—Monster Mash Cereal, debuting on store shelves everywhere this month, brings all five Monsters together in one box, for the first time. But on a scale of “eerie sight” to “graveyard smash,” just how good is it? Well allow me to grab my finest aged sarcophagus milk and find out. Continue reading →

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18

Jul. ’21

Review: Fruity Cereal Kit-Kat Bars

Fruity Cereal Kit-Kat Review - Wrapper

Aw, Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats? Gimme a break…

…fast! Because my sheer carnal desire to fangoriously devour more of these rosy rectangular prisms will require a total break from adult responsibility—nay, from reality altogether. Before even getting into it, yes: Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats are really good. I finally found them at Walmart, sold by the phat stack:

Sadly, these aren’t literal yard-stick length Kit-Kats, but are instead 12 snack-sized Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats lined up. Drat, right? Now when buying these there’s more impetus to share your bite-sized booty instead of just wielding one like a Kit-Kutlass.

But aye—I say, as this sudden spirit of swashbuckling similes washes over me—I shall delay this review no longer: it’s time to tell you why Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats have me hooked. Continue reading →

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