Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Kellogg’s Batman vs. Superman Rice Krispies Treats

Superman stands confidently, his hands on his hips and his feet floating some six inches off the ground. “I’m the Son of Krypton, the Man of Steel! I’m impervious to bullets and faster than a speeding one. You’re only a man. How can you ever hope to stop me?”

Batman’s eyes glow as he pulls a glimmering, foil-wrapped rectangle from his utility belt. “With Rice Krispies Treats.”

Superman scorches the Krispies into dust with a blink of his heat vision.

Batman looks defeated. “Damn, I packed that for my snack! You better not melt my Capri-Sun and Ziploc baggie of Oreos, too.”

It should come as a surprise to no one that instead of going out to watch the new Batman vs. Superman movie, I’m indoors writing terrible fan fiction about this box of BvS branded Rice Krispies Treats. Each treat comes adorably wrapped and ready for parents to pack for school lunches (uh, sorry about that one, Bruce Wayne). The Treats are adorned with rainbow “candy coated chocolate pieces,” but for Batman’s sake, we’d better hope the green pieces are made of Kryptonite.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, cereal bar, kelloggs, non cereal, rice krispies. 1 Comment

Mar. ’16

Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal

Fans of edible, crunchy cartoon heads: rejoice!

That’s right, General Mills’ new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles joins the proud lineage of cereals shaped like grinning faces, which includes Kaboom, Cabbage Patch Kids Cereal, and even another Canada-exclusive TMNT cereal from back in the day.

There’s something about carnivorously devouring cereal smileys that’s sadistically satisfying. It’s probably the fact that these faces tend to be nightmarishly creepy, so pulverizing them with a molar guillotine feels like I’m doing the world a service.

General Mills surprisingly dropped this TMNT cereal on shelves without any announcement, like a heroes in a half-shell bombshell. I’m not upset, though: walking into the supermarket and seeing this cereal was like finding a prize at the bottom of a cereal box…except in this case the box was the prize.

That sentence made no sense, so let’s just dive—or maybe ninja flip—right into the review.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, general mills. 13 Comments

Mar. ’16

Review: Barbara’s Toasted Oatmeal Flakes Cereal

Toast is a great breakfast food. Oatmeal is a great breakfast food.

But by flinging gobs of oatmeal into your toaster, you can make an even better breakfast food: Toasted Oatmeal Flakes!

(Note: this is probably not how Toasted Oatmeal Flakes are made. This is probably how “Toasted Kitchen Curtains” are made, though.)

Before this weekend, I had no idea that Barbara’s even made a Toasted Oatmeal Flake cereal. In fact, I had no idea that any other cereal producer, other than Trader Joe’s, made Toasted Oatmeal Flakes.

But then I took a trip to one of those weird, slightly skeevy surplus grocery stores that often sells cereals and toaster pastries that are too close to their expiration dates for any major grocery chain to comfortably carry.

It’s where I found Barbara’s Toasted Oatmeal Flakes—and a questionably ancient box of Scooby-Doo cereal, but that’s a story for another day At a price of $1.50 per box, I couldn’t resist trying this cereal, even if it meant possibly eating stale flakes that taste more cardboard-y than the box.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, barbara's. 3 Comments

Mar. ’16

Review: Trader Joe’s Cherry Pomegranate Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries

Well look at you, Trader Joe’s: always getting all prim and proper with your flavors and names for things.

Instead of “cheddar,” we get “Trader Joe’s Oakwood Cold Smoked English Cheddar Cheese.” Where others would buy “ravioli,” we buy “Trader Giotto’s Arugula & Parmigiano Reggiano Ravioli.” If Trader Joe’s sold omelettes, I swear they’d call them “Fabergé Joe’s Country Cock-tail Collages.”

In the midst of this naming madness, we get TJ’s take on Pop-Tarts: “Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries.” Not content with just naming them extravagantly, Trader Joe’s also likes to extravagantify (shut up, spellcheck) their flavors from time to time.

That’s why I’m sitting here munching a Cherry Pomegranate Frosted Toaster Pastry. Sure, Kellogg’s may be happy to go hog-wild with Maple Bacon, but I can’t imagine them touching pomegranates with a 10-foot spoon. This flavor isn’t particularly new, but since I was impressed by the last TJ’s pastry I tried, I figured it was worth highlighting another.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, non cereal, pop-tarts, trader joe's. Leave a comment

Mar. ’16

Review: Post Honey Bunches of Oats Crunch O’s: Honey and Almond

Could it be? Do I really no longer have to waste my time mixing Honey Bunches of Oats with Honey Nut Cheerios to create my favorite FrankenCereal creation: Honey Nut Bunches of CheeriOats?

There are few cereal combos I love more than the sticky, nutty rings of Honey Nut Cheerios tag-teaming it with the crispy flakes and earthy, rich clusters of Honey Bunches of Oats. But think of the hassle it takes to prepare a bowl: I have to grab a box, pour it into a bowl, then grab another box, and pour that one too! Even Atlas couldn’t shoulder this burden.

Oh, and did I mention that I have to physically mix the two with my spoon like some antiquated pilgrim on her butter churn? C’mon, it’s the 21st century, people!

But no longer, because Post has released Honey Bunches of Oats Crunch O’s, in both Honey and Almond flavors. These cereals combine the Honey Bunches we know and love with crunchy oat ovals, thus maximizing my morning laziness.

But do the flavors of these cereals stack up to my manual concoctions? Well churn my butter and call me Jebediah, because we’re about to find out. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, 7 rating, honey, honey bunches of oats, post. 1 Comment

Mar. ’16

Review: Kroger Peanut Butter Chip Mates Cereal

Seriously guys, we have to talk about Peanut Butter Chip Mates.

Generic brand cereals are often seen as the crunchy butts of every breakfast table joke (I just wanted to type the phrase “crunchy butts”). Even though they are the breakfast of champions on a budget, these obvious rip-offs have goofy names like “Honey-Nut Scooters” and “Crispy Hexagons,” as well as sub-par flavors that melt away faster than a muffin in a rainstorm.

And yes, I’ve seen a muffin in a rainstorm before. It ain’t pretty.

But not Peanut Butter Chip Mates. No, Peanut Butter Chip Mates doesn’t need your pity, nor will it ask for it.

Peanut Butter Chip Mates is here to slap those preconceived notions about store brand cereals right out of you.

Peanut Butter Chip Mates is here to slap you so full of doughy peanut butter cookie flavor that you’ll be on your knees in front of a box of Marshmallow Mateys, begging for forgiveness. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, generic cereal, kroger, peanut butter. 4 Comments

Mar. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Finding Dory Cereal

Just keep staring. Just keep staring. Just keep staring.

…aaaand, I’m blind.

Photos don’t do it justice, but this box of Finding Dory cereal is bright. I think the shiny holographic box design could even bring down planes if angled correctly in the sunlight.

Your move, TSA.

In fact, the distracting solar flare of this cereal box is the only reason I’m reviewing it at all; I was attracted to it in the grocery store like a moth to a flame. Or perhaps like a guppy to an angler fish. Or maybe even like a kid to one of those oil puddles that reflects neat rainbows.

I usually just sit back and make fun of generic oats and marshmallows movie tie-in cereals, but truth be told, I haven’t actually tried one in awhile. Maybe my laughter is unwarranted. Maybe there’s a tasty reason Kellogg’s has rehashed this formula time and time again.

So here’s your shot, Kellogg’s. Dazzle me with that Pixar magic. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, kelloggs, movie cereals. 3 Comments

Feb. ’16

Review: Kashi GoLean Dark Chocolate Cashew Chia Plant-Powered Bar

I find the concept of breakfast bars to be fascinating. All the magic of cereal distilled and molded like sugary Play-Doh into portable, rectangular chunks? They’re the next best thing to carrying around a heart-shaped locket with Toucan Sam’s face inside.

At the same time, I yearn for a simpler era of breakfast bars. I yearn for the days when our only option was bits of actual cereal haphazardly Elmer’s glued together by a sweet, gelatinous white goo that could somehow legally be called “milk.”

But now we live in an era of protein and quinoa and whatever the hell “activated almonds” are. So I’ll happily review one more Kashi Plant-Powered Bar, but I’ll do it with a nostalgic yearning for a simpler time—a time when I accepted a dare to eat just the milk layer of a cereal bar and spent the rest of the dazed afternoon unsure what century it was. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cereal bars, kashi, non cereal. Leave a comment