Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Nature Valley Chocolate Oat Bites Cereal

Please, oh please, Nature Valley Chocolate Oat Bites: you have to be better than Attack of the Clones.

Let me explain what I mean by this. I recently came to the conclusion that my experience with General Mills’ new 2016 line of Nature Valley cereals closely parallels my experience watching the Star Wars films.

Nature Valley’s “original trilogy” provided an exciting plot arc. First, Chocolate Oat Clusters brought an innovative breath of fresh air to the breakfast table. With its fudgy decadence and rich clusters, Chocolate Oat Clusters gave me A New Hope that grown-up cereal could be fun.

Then Baked Oat Bites Struck Back. With layers of sour cream doughnut complexity, it improved on Cracklin’ Oat Bran’s seemingly un-improvable formula. Finally, Honey Oat Clusters happily rounded out the saga with a Return to its predecessors’ doughnut-esque delightfulness, but it lacked a sense of cliffhanging, compelling intrigue.

I thought the fun was done there, but then Nature Valley announced two more cereals. The first, Raisin Oat Clusters, was a bit of a disappointment. It was less imaginative and more dry. And unlike the other movies, The Phantom Menace didn’t even taste like a bakery dessert!

Wait a minute—I think I mixed my metaphors there.

That’s a long-winded way of explaining how Chocolate Oat Bites—the newest Nature Valley cereal—has to break the cycle. Attack of the Clones may not have been the worst Star Wars film, but I sure wouldn’t want to watch it for breakfast every morning. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, chocolate, general mills, nature valley. 7 Comments

Jul. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Rice Krispies with Red & Blue Krispies Cereal (and Happy Fourth of July!)

Since I’ll be spending tomorrow stuffing my face with hot dogs while watching others competitively stuff their faces with lemonade-soaked hot dogs, I figured I’d go light today by munching on Kellogg’s seasonal Limited Edition Red, White, and Blue Rice Krispies.

Truth be told, I’m glad the only Independence Day-themed cereal available this year (we’ve had Summer Berry Pebbles before) is this one. Since it tastes exactly the same as normal Rice Krispies, I can celebrate this most laid-back holiday of the year with an appropriately laid-back review.

So, uh, yeah: if you’ve had Rice Krispies, then these taste the same. No strawberry or blueberry taste—just neon colored food dye soaked into airy rice crisp niblets. They don’t really taste like anything, for that matter. If you grit your teeth and focus like Jimmy Neutron during a brain blast, there are notes of lingering toastiness, but few people are likely to eat these as a traditional cereal (whether dry or with mush-ifying milk) anyway.

These Red, White, and Blue Rice Krispies are destined to be bathed in butter and marshmallow for use in Rice Krispies Treats. I would have made some for the purposes of this review, but I’m saving all my butter and marshmallow fluff for use in my annual “Fourth Of July Butter ‘n’ ‘Mallow Slip’n Slide,” a tradition that I totally didn’t just invent to explain why I don’t have the ingredients for Rice Krispies Treats in my house.

My family just loves apostrophes, okay?

Instead, I made you this to make up for it. These Red, White, and Blue Rice Krispies lose points for not tasting especially fun and for not having enough red and blue pieces, but in the spirit of the holiday, I’ll give ’em a few extra just for being so darn festive. Don’t hesitate to buy a box if you ever wanted to make your own cereal American flag.

Or your own cereal flag for Australia, Cambodia, Chile, the Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, the Czech Republic, Dominican Republic, the Faroe Islands, France, Haiti, Iceland, North Korea, Laos, Liberia, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Nepal, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Panama, Paraguay, the Philippines, Puerto Rico, Russia, Samoa, Schleswig-Holstein, Serbia, Sint Maarten, Slovakia, Slovenia, Taiwan, Thailand, or United Kingdom, for that matter.

Uh, yeah, there are a lot of red, white, and blue flags.

Happy early Fourth of July, everyone: I hope all your fireworks Snap, Crackle, and Pop!

The Bowl: Rice Krispies with Red & Blue Krispies

The Breakdown: They’re Rice Krispies. They taste like Rice Krispies. Also there are red and blue ones. I want hot dogs.

The Bottom Line: 7.4 (see what I did there?) hot dog bun-shaped Rice Krispies Treats out of 10

(Quick Nutrition Facts: 120 calories, 0 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein per 1 1/4 cup serving)

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, holiday, kelloggs, rice krispies. 4 Comments

Jul. ’16

Review: Annie’s Organic Berry Bunnies Cereal

“No no, you must have misheard me,” I said to the cashier. “I want to buy Annie’s Berry Bunnies cereal, not Very Moneys cereal. In fact. I don’t think Very Moneys is even grammatically correct.”

And that’s how I ended up making a cashier grimace and walking home with a $5+ box of cereal.

I’ve joked before about how Annie’s three new organic cereals are hare-raisingly expensive, and how in the case of Frosted Oat Flakes, it made me not want to purchase them again. Yet here I am, pouring another bowl of mauve & marmalade colored baby rabbits. If you weren’t impressed enough with those color names, allow me to consult my Behr Paint Color Guide and get even more specific:

“…another bowl of Muscat Grape and Acapulco Sun colored baby rabbits.”

There, that one would make even a Home Depot employee proud.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, annie's, fruity, general mills. 6 Comments

Jun. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Crème Pop-Tarts

These are not the discontinued Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts you once knew and loved. No: these are Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Crème Pop-Tarts!

Do you see the difference?

It’s that sophisticated “è,” which requires you to serve every pastry as an appetizer, hors d’oeuvre, or dessert at a classy dinner gala.

See, the è has never appeared on packages before: not when Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts were first introduced (no one knows exactly when—not even the authoritative Pop-Tarts Wiki), not when they were discontinued in 2009, and not even when they were briefly revived in 2014 as a Limited Edition flavor for Pop-Tarts’ 50th birthday.

But now these Chocolate Vanilla Crème Pop-Tarts, complete with the accent mark, are back as a Kroger store exclusive and wrapped in debonaire foil before me. Time to scarf one down with my pinky out, like a true toaster pastry gentleman. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, chocolate, kelloggs, pop-tarts, vanilla. 6 Comments

Jun. ’16

Review: Quaker Vanilla Life Cereal

“That’s Life,” I said, doing the world’s worst Frank Sinatra impression in the Kroger breakfast aisle as I gazed upon Quaker’s new Vanilla Life cereal.

“That’s what all the people crunch. You eat it dry in April, with milk in May. But I know I’m gonna change that tune, when it’s all soggy—all soggy in June.”

Okay, now that I’ve gotten all the Weird Al Yankovic out of my system for the day, I can crunch into these brand spankin’ new and vanilla sugar sparklin’ squares.

Though it has a rather subdued box and no mascot ever since Little Mikey grew up and inspired urban legends about Pop Rocks-related deaths, Life Cereal has had many interesting varieties. From 1978’s Raisin Life to 2002’s Apple Life, multiple flavors have went through the “circle of Life,” delighting Mikeys everywhere before their eventual discontinuation.

In recent years, Quaker has stuck to a trilogy of Original, Cinnamon, and Maple Brown Sugar Life. But since Maple Brown Sugar doesn’t appear on the side of my Vanilla Life box, this newbie may have unofficially usurped his syrupy older brother.

You have to taste really good to redeem yourself now, Vanilla Life: I take any insult towards maple syrup as a personal offense. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, life, quaker, vanilla. 10 Comments

Jun. ’16

Review: Nature Valley Raisin Oat Clusters Cereal

Raisin bran as we know it needs to evolve. Can Nature Valley’s new Raisin Oat Clusters help bring it from its Cro-Magnon hunch to an upright state?

See, bran flakes with raisins is one of cereal’s oldest traditions, dating all the way back to Skinner’s Raisin Bran. But while species of Toast Crunch cereal evolved from swirled squares to full on maple glazed mini bread slices in just over a decade, all raisin bran has done in its 90 years of existence is add oat clusters and maybe a few measly almonds.

Sure, there’s been the occasional innovator, like Raisin Nut Bran with its nut-coated raisins or the unfortunately discontinued Raisin Bran Extra! But by and large, survival of the fittest has been more of a “survival of the fattest, juiciest raisins.”

I demand more. I demand a raisin bran that will blow my mind instead of just my colon. It’s time to find out if Raisin Oat Clusters, one of Nature Valley’s two newest cereals, is up to the task. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, nature valley, raisin bran. 5 Comments

Jun. ’16

Review: Post Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles Cereal

Welcome back to another edition of Marshmallow Monday. This time around, Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles is our guest of honor.

Marshmallow Monday is a day to honor all of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s millions of children, who must soldier on as orphans in s’mores and cereal aisles alike, with only charred memories of their long exploded and molten father.

Never thought you’d shed a single tear for a bag of marshmallows, would you?

But back to these Fruity Pebbles with marshmallows. They’re exactly what they sound like, which means Post went down the sugar family tree, skipped past sprinkles and nonpareils, and found the other two sugariest cereal ingredients they could afford: technicolor crisped rice and marbits.

It’s a recipe for disaster that sounds straight out of a cheap ~~Sci-Fi~~ Syfy Channel disaster movie. And speaking of over-the-top disaster movie concepts: this cereal has Sharkasaurus marshmallows! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, marshmallows, pebbles, post. 10 Comments

Jun. ’16

Review: Kashi Dark Cocoa Karma Cereal

The main teaching of karma is “what goes around comes around.”

Then how come Kashi’s new Dark Cocoa Karma shredded wheat cereal comes as a square, and not a round loop?

Looks like you really missed a chance to tie your tasty breakfast offerings into the cyclical nature of moral interchange, Kashi.

That’s okay. I’m willing to forgive your philosophical blunder if this exciting cereal actually tastes good. I say “exciting” because Dark Cocoa Karma is essentially the second ever cereal—after Chocolate Toast Crunch—to combine chocolate and cinnamon in the same bowl.

Time to pop on a DVD of My Name is Earl and find some cinnamon chocolate zen. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, chocolate, cinnamon, kashi, shredded wheat. 9 Comments