What qualifies as a successfully transformative “Shake Up” (let alone one with an exclamation point at the end) in the cereal world? Is it enough to simply “shake together” a bunch of existing cereal bits, or do you need to “shake in” something entirely new? Well we’re about to find out, because Pebbles’ new pair of pieced-together pouches represent both ends of that continuum, and I’m here to be the supreme arbiter—the Lady Justice holding the bowl-shaped scales, if you will—of just how good they really are.
So let’s do this, Post: shake up my stomach like a wedding-day bottle of champagne! Continue reading →
That’s what I’ve been calling Pop-Tarts for years, and it only feels more accurate the wackier these little pastries get. I mean, think about it: foil wrapping, colorfully zany designs, printed fun, mysteries, and different attack formations (plain, toasted, frozen).
What, you’re telling me you’ve never crammed your Blue-Eyes White Dragon in the toaster? No wonder you’ve lost touch with the Heart Tart of the Cards.
Anyway, Kellogg’s latest P-T booster pack boasts some heavy hitters: Eggo Frosted Maple, Apple Fritter, and Boston Creme Donut (which I was tragically unable to track down). Let’s let these first two duel it out on the battlefield of my palate, and see who ends up with more life points (spoiler alert, but after eating this many Pop-Tarts, it certainly won’t be me). Continue reading →
I don’t know about this, y’all. Between this pancake kit and last week’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Cake, cereal reviewing rarely requires this much effort from me. See, half the fun of reviewing cereal is that you’ve just gotta pour a bowl, pour some milk, and dig in. Take some pictures, and then there’s only one dish to clean. But now you’re telling me I have to soak ‘n’ soap ‘n’ scrub a big mixing bowl, a whisk, a measuring cup or two, a frying pan, a plate, and a fork? Maaaan, it really harshens my vibe when I have to elevate myself from “total lazy layabout” to “lowest-bar functioning person.”
But for you, dear readers, I will clear that ankle-high bar. Just let me take a seat on it first and rest my eyes for a moment… Continue reading →
See her? That red-haired, doe-eyed dame looking all innocent at the top of this Frosty Cereal?
It’s her fault. All of it. The turmoil afflicting our world, the sallow tension draped over everything, the insidious doom oozing from every earthly orifice: or The Baconated Blight of Wendy, as I like to collectively call it.
You see, if Wendy’s social media accounts hadn’t decided to kickstart an insidious trend of sassy, apathetic, and terminally online brands, I’m convinced we wouldn’t be in this mess. I truly loathe the soulless snark of faceless corporate entities, and for that I can never forgive Ol’ Gwendolyn or her new Frosty Cereal here.
It doesn’t help that this cereal really phoned it in component-wise, pairing boring chocolate spheres with the worst marbits imaginable—but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s see just how Wendy’s Frosty Cereal fares in my bowl…
…and if I hear one cocky clapback from the girl on the box, I’m heaving the whole thing in a gravel pit. Continue reading →
BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Cinnamon Almond Butter Plentifull is good, but the PB version is more focused, with richer nuances.
Neither Cinnamon nor Almond are prevalent enough here—it tastes mostly like brown sugar. Not bad (7/10), but I could do better by mixing Cheerios Oat Crunches pic.twitter.com/b7Rhr8JQ23
Oh, don’t mind me—just sharing a few quick reviews that aren’t quite rich enough for full blog breakdowns. Be sure to follow me on Twitter for more to-the-minute thoughts like these!
BITE-SIZED REVIEW: It's a box mix, so temper your expectations for CTC Coffee Cake, but it's still cinn-ply tasty & easy to make. Picture a zucc-less zucchini bread.
Bonus points for including way more streusel than needed—wish I had a Fun Dip Lik-A-Stik to finish it off pic.twitter.com/GGdCEY9qUk
Oh, and check out the latest upcoming bit of Kelloggian ephemera hitting shelves now—
Frosted Flakes is adding new vanilla-flavored marshmallows, shaped like (me guessing without reading the fine print): – Goldfish crackers – Flowey Undertale – Sideshow Bob with a big beefy arm – Frogs – Beast-mode Grimace crawling on all fours pic.twitter.com/fuDiKsJ7BR
There ya go, General Mills: I just wrote you a free catchphrase that uses trendy lingo all today’s kids can relate to.
What’s that you say? I’m not a youth any more, let alone a hip nor happenin’ one? Well listen, I came here to review twice-fruited Cheerios, not walk right into a self-inflicted existential crisis like Sideshow Bob into a rake.
The point of my haplessly out-of-touch sloganeering was to simply point out how, as a brand, Cheerios does not miss. Those dense ‘n’ hearty toasted oat rings are the perfect vehicles for any flavor imaginable, to the point where I can’t think of a Cheerios variety I didn’t like. At worst, you’ll get something that’s just plain solid like Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios, but more often than not, Cheerios is cranking, churning, extruding, and glazing out hit after hit—to the point where it starts to make little sense why less impeccably consistent cereal lines like Lucky Charms and the Toast Crunch family seem to get all the public praise.
I get it, though. Cheerios doesn’t have the same bombastic, kid-focused and mascot-fronted brand appeal, but darn it, Cheerios should. As one of the last breakfast aisle bastion’s of purely oat-powered acumen, Cheerios deserves first dibs when it comes to creative new flavor infusions.
And if, somehow, you needed even more convincing proof of Cheerios’ wholesome bowlsome of O-some awesomeness, look no further than these new Strawberry Banana Cheerios. Continue reading →
Sometimes you just want the movie theater popcorn, with the sextuple pumps of atomic yellow butter that’ll leave your palms semi-translucent.
Sometimes you just want Chinese food from the place in the rundown strip mall, where the sesame chicken is so oily that the paper takeout container is leaking from every fold.
And sometimes (most times), my cats would rather eat the processed kibble equivalent of a Big Mac, instead of a freshly ground turkey pâté.
That’s how I internally rationalize any remaining appeal of Reese’s Puffs. Simply put, for me Reese’s Puffs are outclassed on every edible level by Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios, which really nail the sumptuous blend of milky cocoa and authentically nutty butter that I’m looking for out of such a cereal.
In comparison, the choco-PB approach of Reese’s Puffs feels cheap and hollow, yet weighed down by an oily processed-ness that progressively glazes your tongue with sluggish sweetness. And while that may sound unappealing, sometimes that’s exactly what you need out of a mainline cereal—nothing too high falutin’, just glorious garbage. I’d say I get such a specific craving for Reese’s Puffs maybe once a year, so I’m getting it out of the way early for 2022 with this new Reese’s Puffs Cluster Crunch. Continue reading →
You’re still here? It’s over. Go home—then get in your car and go to the store and buy this cereal!
Seriously, you need a review to tell you that CinnaGraham Toast Crunch is good? You’d think it would only take one look at the box above to stoke the very same deep, primal hunger for cinnamon-coated graham goodness that helped early humans evolve beyond simple hunter-gatherers and into sophisticated graham miners, their crude pickaxes chiseling away at vast veins of golden grain.
I joke, but seriously: there’s something about graham, be it crackered, pie crusted, or Teddy’d, that just gets my motor runnin’, directly counterintuitive to the anti-prurient origins of the foodstuff itself. And since, two years ago, we already got a spiritual predecessor to this CinnaGraham Toast Crunch in the form of Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal—which I called my Cereal of the Year—I went into this review beyond confident that General Mills’ latest Toast Crunch crusader couldn’t possibly fail.
