Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Kellogg’s Disney Moana Cereal with Island Marshmallows

As I get older, I keep up with Disney news less and less: I’ve always preferred Chuck E. Cheese to Mickey when it comes to anthropomorphized rodents, anyway. That’s why before this review, I still had no idea what the upcoming Moana is going to be about. But thanks to a close friend of mine named Wick E. Pedia, I know the film’s about a Polynesian warrior princess who embarks on a nautical journey with the demigod Maui—played by none other than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Well, I guess that explains the boulder-sized, tattooed dude on the back of Kellogg’s new Moana Cereal box:

Let’s look inside!

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, kelloggs, movie cereals. 4 Comments

Oct. ’16

Re-Review: Trader Joe’s Pumpkin O’s Cereal (2016)

As the “days until Halloween” counter drips lower than fake blood from a vampire Basset Hound’s mouth, I think I still have enough spice in my own blood to crank out one more pumpkin cereal review. Besides my annual Monster Cereal analyses, I usually don’t like to re-review the same product multiple years in a row. But like parents whose troubled child keeps getting sent to the principal’s office for doodling giant kaiju lobsters instead of focusing*, we need to talk about Trader Joe’s Pumpkin O’s.

*I decline to comment on whether this comes from my own personal experience with crustacean artistry.

See, I reviewed Trader Joe’s Pumpkin O’s last year and quite liked them—I gave them a 7/10 for their authentic pumpkin flavor and brown sugar finish. But as I dug into my box this year, prepared for another raucous round of good ol’ fashioned barnyard vegetable fun, I was left with the pained frown of a toddler being forced to eat his own barnyard vegetables.

I don’t know if Trader Joe’s actually changed their Pumpkin O’s recipe or if my taste buds have just undergone a Wolfman-esque transformation in the past year, but I’ve got Bill Murray on speed dial anyway, because there’s definitely something strange in this cereal neighborhood. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, pumpkin, trader joe's. 6 Comments

Oct. ’16

Review: Boo Berry Monster Cereal (2016)

There’s only a week left until Halloween, but while everybody else in the world is taping fake cobwebs to their walls and putting the finishing touches on their Pokémon Go-inspired “Sexy Pikachu” costumes, I’m sitting here gazing at a bowl of Boo Berry cereal.

More specifically, I’m wondering why there’s never been a movie tie-in between Boo Berry and Ghostbusters. With this summer’s Ghostbusters reboot now merely a bargain DVD bin memory, General Mills missed their chance to throw noxiously green Slimer marshmallows into every bowl of crunchy blue Boo Berry ghosts. The endmilk would’ve turned roughly the shade of the Jersey Shore’s seafoam, and it would’ve been glorious.

But I’ll have to make do with just Boo. Even without nauseatingly aquamarine dairy, Boo Berry still puts on a heck of a breakfast show. Of General Mills’s 3 big Monster Cereals, Boo Berry arguably has the most devoted cult following. He’s the Rocky Horror of Halloween breakfast options, so for the 2nd year in a row, let’s find out why damn it, Janet, everyone loves Boo.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, boo berry, general mills, halloween, monster cereals. 4 Comments

Oct. ’16

Classic Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Sprinkled Donut Crunch

I love you, Cap’n Crunch, so I’m willing to forgive you for omitting the “ugh” from the name of your Sprinkled Donut Crunch cereal.

See, I’m a doughnut purist. Whether it’s the word’s languid length or its simple, old-world charm, “doughnut” just pleases my eyeballs more than the comparatively blunt “donut” ever could. And for all those about to tell me, “Get with the times, grandpa: writing donut is way faster,” please tell me how much time you’ve actually saved by not typing those three lovely letters. If it’s less than 5 cumulative minutes over your entire lifetime, I’m sticking with my “ugh.”

So even though I’m a little upset, after tasting Cap’n Crunch’s Sprinkled Donut Crunch, I realize the real reason there’s no “ugh” in its name: because I never let out a single exasperated “ugh” the entire time I was eating it. This cereal is darn good, and even though it was released shortly before Cerealously debuted, I’m going to make up for lost time by digging into a dozen baker’s dozens-worth of crunchy rainbow loops. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, cap'n crunch, quaker. 13 Comments

Oct. ’16

Review: Trader Joe’s Pecan Pumpkin Oatmeal

I’m 3 packets deep into my box of Trader Joe’s Pecan Pumpkin Oatmeal, yet I can’t stop thinking about Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

Maybe I’m crazy, or maybe this is actually some grand, Illuminati-level conspiracy between Trader Joe and Cheesasaurus Rex, but every bite of TJ’s soft, sopping, and starchy Pecan Pumpkin Oatmeal tastes like mashed-up mac noodles bathed in an autumnal, earthy pumpkin sauce.

Yep, I’m definitely crazy. But before you lock me up in the nuthouse, my pinwheeling legs kicking and my oatmeal-specked mouth screaming “But it ain’t easy being cheesy! It ain’t, I tell you!” as the bars clang shut, let me rewind this whole pumpkin oatmeal snafu. Because despite my nutty introduction, there’s a lot to love about this nutty breakfast. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, non cereal, oatmeal, pecan, pumpkin, trader joe's. 2 Comments

Oct. ’16

Review: Erewhon Simply Vanilla Granola

Another day, another free granola sample from Attune Foods that I’ll happily review because it means I didn’t have to pay for my own breakfast. But as usual, receiving my morning meal via USPS doesn’t mean that I’ll be pulling any punches or crunches when taste testing.

I accept all free samples, but I give no free rides.

Today’s spotlighted spoonful is Simply Vanilla Granola. With its abbreviated ingredient list, highlighted organic and gluten-free promises, and stout packaging design, this granola really wants to appear simple. It’s a lot like me: I spend a lot of time convincing people I’m a man of simple pleasures, when in reality I have a .txt file of “cool cereal adjectives” saved to my desktop.

Let’s see if Simply Vanilla Granola earns any of those effervescently grandiose adjectives. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, attune foods, erewhon, granola, non cereal, vanilla. 2 Comments

Oct. ’16

Review: Franken Berry Monster Cereal (2016)

Poor Franken Berry. Our strawberry-flavored, lumpy headed friend is constantly overshadowed by Count Chocula’s mainstream appeal and Boo Berry’s cult appeal. Despite the fact that he’s a big pink creature, Franken Berry’s really more like the black sheep of the Monster Cereal family.

But that’s why I love Frank so much. He’s an outsider’s outsider. He’s a champion of the niche. And most of all, he’s a role model for the weird, the different, and the artificially colored. And that’s why I’m voting Franken Berry all the way in this year’s Monster Cereal Election. Because in a world where artificial colors are being drained from our cereals faster than blood from a vampire bite, Frank is committed to making cereal unnaturally pink again.

Let’s revisit Frank’s flavor platform to make sure his policies match his nostalgic rhetoric. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, franken berry, general mills, halloween, monster cereals, strawberry. 3 Comments

Oct. ’16

Classic Review: Waffle Crisp Cereal

Despite the recent dawn of October, this review isn’t Halloween-themed. It is nostalgia-themed, though, and Halloween is a season of eternal nostalgia draped in a thin veil of sheet ghosts and dollar store cobwebs. There’s no better way to ring in the Month of Spook than by reviewing a cereal that’s as golden as the childhood memories it conjures up.

It’s Post’s much-beloved Waffle Crisp. I’ve been meaning to review Waffle Crisp for some time, and since I reviewed my other favorite childhood cereal last week, I wanted to keep the nostalgia ball* rolling with another classic I remember munching with reckless abandon before elementary school. My 8-year old self was convinced that if I poured my mountain of crunchy waffles high enough, I could hide in it and skip class.

*Oh, and if you’re wondering what a nostalgia ball looks like, it definitely looks like one of those foam Nerf Vortex footballs. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 10 rating, maple, post. 4 Comments