Category Archives: Reviews

09

Jan. ’17

Review: Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal

Trader Joe's Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal Box

Is 2017 poised to be the Year of Cinnamon?

Cinnamon Pebbles hit shelves just as the new year did. Cinnamon Frosted Flakes will be making its full, nationwide debut this month. And now, with the release of these Crunchy Cinnamon Squares, Trader Joe is eyeing the cereal aisle’s “Sugar-Swirled Cinnamon” throne. His cookie butter-colored irises watch deviously as Cinnamon Toast Crunch sits squarely on that very same seat.

“Soon,” he whispers.

But will Trader Joe’s newest cereal be tasty enough to overthrow a 22-year old cinnamon dynasty? The side of its box claims that, “after one bite you may want to eat these Crunchy Cinnamon Squares for every meal,” but the front doesn’t even feature any grandfatherly bakers or cannibalistic quadrilaterals: just the same calm blue color scheme of Andy’s wallpaper in Toy Story.  Continue reading →

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06

Jan. ’17

Review: Keebler Cereal with Real Mini Chocolate Chip Cookies

Kellogg's New Keebler Cereal with Real Mini Chocolate Chip Cookies Box

Confession time: when I was a kid, I loved the Keebler Elves.

Ernie. Ma Keebler. Buckets. Fast Eddie. Even that mischievous miscreant Elwood. I treated my E.L. Fudge cookies like edible action figures, using them to reenact the Hollow Tree’s treat assembly line and play games of “synchronized milk diving.” Later in my adolescence, the cookies even became diplomats in tense scenes of imagined inter-arboreal geopolitics.

Let’s just say I had more snacks than friends for a while there.

Since my history with Keebler is long and sentimental, it was a Coconut Dream come true to hear that Kellogg’s was releasing a new Keebler Cereal, even after 2008’s Keebler Cookie Crunch Cereal was discontinued. And I’m Double Stuffed with joy to see that we got the real, two-dimensional Ernie on the packaging, instead of the computer-inept, ironically meme-ing CGI Ernie from Twitter:

With promises of real chocolate chip cookies inside, this cereal is singing my name like an Elf at work. I’m expecting big, doughy things from Keebler Cereal, but if all else fails, I’m sure I can still use the cookie pieces as projectiles for an E.L. Fudge-manned trebuchet. Let’s fire away! Continue reading →

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04

Jan. ’17

Review: Pecan & Maple Brown Sugar Honey Bunches of Oats

Post Pecan & Maple Brown Sugar Honey Bunches of Oats Cereal Box

Has Honey Bunches of Oats been taking lessons from Nintendo?

Because Nintendo is the master of releasing “upgrades” that are actually wholly new, entirely better products. The Nintendo Entertainment System and the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. The Game Boy and the Game Boy Advance. The Wii and the Wii U. Luigi and Waluigi. The list goes on.

Post must be studying in Mario’s dojo, because even though Pecan & Maple Brown Sugar Honey Bunches of Oats are billed as an “improved” version of their old Pecan Honey Bunches of Oats, I can already tell this new cereal’s going to render its predecessor totally obsolete.

Which is a good thing, because you can’t even buy Pecan Honey Bunches of Oats any more. How do I know? Because one look at Honey Bunches of Oats’s Facebook page reveals a dedicated legion of Pecan Honey Bunch lovers who continually mourn the loss of their dearly beloved, roasted nut-flavored breakfast product.

Well, let’s just hope this cult following approves of Pecan & Maple Brown Sugar Honey Bunches of Oats. Otherwise there might be a nutty Internet meltdown, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since 2016’s infamous Hostess Suzy Q fiasco. Continue reading →

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02

Jan. ’17

Review: Cinnamon Pebbles Cereal from Post

Post Cinnamon Pebbles Cereal Box

For someone who has allegedly sworn to keep his neolithic neighbor from sampling his cereal, Fred sure is holding that bowl of overflowing Cinnamon Pebbles dangerously close to a spoon-wielding Barney.

Could Post’s newest Pebbles cereal be tasty enough to settle eons-old breakfast rivalries? Is Barney secretly wearing pterodactyl slippers to get a silent jump on Fred’s mammoth bowl? Or has the cascading cinnamon stick over these lovable neanderthals’ heads inspired them to set their differences aside, as they realize that their prehistoric climate is about to be disrupted not by a meteor, but by an astronomically large spice tube?

Such questions may never be answered, unless Post releases a mail-away Cinnamon Pebbles Compendium. But there’s one question I can help answer right now: are Cinnamon Pebbles yabba-dabba-delicious? Or should they be left to prehistory, with their long-discontinued cousin: Cinna-Crunch Pebbles? Continue reading →

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29

Dec. ’16

Review: Very Berry Cheerios Cereal Flavored with Real Fruit

General Mills Very Berry Cheerios Box

I hope you all had a legendary and merry December, because it’s time to carry that spirit into an extraordinary January full of Very Berry Cheerios!

If you can’t tell, I’m getting a head start on my New Year’s Resolution: “make more annoying rhymes.”

While Very Berry is far from the first fruity Cheerios variety to hit shelves, this cereal takes the shortcake when it comes to sheer quantity of berries. Flavored with strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and cranberries, the only thing missing from Very Berry Cheerios is a bushel of Wonka’s snozzberries.

But I think the wallpaper industry still has exclusive rights to America’s annual snozzberry harvests, so I’ll forgive General Mills for stopping at four berries. This has been a fruitful year for them, after all: from Berry Bunnies and newly reformulated Trix to two varieties of Tiny Toast, ol’ GM has had its fair share of juicy 2016 scoops.

Will Very Berry Cheerios be a worthy closer for this year of naturally flavored, artificial color-free berry cereals? There’s only one way to find out, and spoiler alert: it involves stuffing my annoying rhyme-hole with purple oat rings. Continue reading →

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23

Dec. ’16

“Review:” Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch Cereal (2016)

Cap'n Crunch's Christmas crunch Cereal Box 2016 Review

It was like the plot of the world’s most surreal holiday special.

Last month, I shared candid photos of 2016’s gorgeously redesigned Christmas Crunch box, with the promise that I’d wait until late December to review it—to build anticipation, Christmas cheer, appetite, etc. My decision not to buy a sleigh’s worth of Christmas Crunch when it was right there in the store’s discount basket proved to be the most foolish thing I’ve done since trading away all my Oreo Cakesters for Bosco breadsticks way back in elementary school lunch time.

Because on December 22nd, driving around in the cloak of darkness while “We Need A Little Christmas” played with bitter accuracy on the radio, I couldn’t find a single box of Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch in stores!

Several discontented web searches later, I made a desperate phone call to an obscure local grocer who confirmed that they did indeed have a few boxes left. The magical angel who worked customer service even promised to set a box aside for me—I’d wager that he doesn’t hear many late night pleas for red and green breakfast products, so any chance to satisfy a sweaty-sounding dude’s simple, yet stupid Christmas wish was a no-brainer.

And that’s the story of how I ended up with a box of the exact same Christmas cereal I eat every year. Speaking of which, let’s take our spoons out for Ho-Ho-Horatio Magellan Crunch’s holiday classic, shall we? Continue reading →

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18

Dec. ’16

Review: Limited Edition Dunkin’ Donuts Chocolate Mocha Pop-Tarts

Kellogg's Frosted Dunkin' Donuts Chocolate Mocha Pop-Tarts Box

We were so close.

When Dunkin’ Donuts announced their partnership with Pop-Tarts, I thought it was a no-brainer that we’d get a Jelly Doughnut Pop-Tart, complete with a fried, yeasty crust and a fruity or custardy filling. But alas, my hopes were squeezed cleanly out of me like a Boston Cream doughnut in an industrial vice grip: instead of any Inception-ed “baked good inside of a baked good” flavor, Kellogg’s and Dunkin’ Donuts gave us Chocolate Mocha Pop-Tarts and Vanilla Latte Pop-Tarts.

We were so close that I nearly leaned out an open window and crooned “we could’ve had it all!” in my best Adele voice.

But I won’t complain, because Chocolate Mocha and Vanilla Latte are pretty darn good consolation prizes. And since I already love Vanilla Latte Pop-Tarts enough to consider working them into my annual family Christmas card, Chocolate Mocha will surely make me forget about the world’s cruel lack of Cruller-flavored toaster pastries.

At least I hope so. I’ll keep my emergency Adele wig on standby, just in case. Continue reading →

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13

Dec. ’16

Review: Nestlé Lion Cereal Bar

Nestlé Lion Cereal Bar Wrapper Review

Whether it’s a Rice Krispies Treat, a trendy cereal restaurant, or an exam for becoming a certified breakfast lawyer, the term “Cereal Bar” can refer to many things. While nutritionists and choosy moms may disagree with me, I believe that Nestlé’s iconic Lion Bar fits the bill, too. Go ahead and debate me on it, M.D.s and mommies: portable breakfast argumentation was the topic of my Cereal Law School dissertation.

Okay fine, I may not have the degree to back that up, but I do have this European Lion Bar’s ingredient list, which says my lumpy brown cylinder contains “8% cereals.” Plus the lion mascot on the front boasts how the bar is “EXTRA CRISPY.” All you have to do is imagine a floppy striped hat on top of his mane, and this bellowing fellow could join Snap, Crackle, and Pop’s Krispies crew.

Because, as it turns out, the tempting bumps studded below every Lion Bar’s rugged, chocolaty landscape aren’t nuts, chocolate chips, Oreo bits, or entire miniaturized cheesecakes—I know, I was hoping for the last one, too. They’re little bits of wispy crisped rice. And even on my first bite, they popped with a roaring intensity.  Continue reading →

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