Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal Milk Chocolate Bar

I love cutting out the middle man—or in the case of this Cinnamon Toast Crunch-inspired chocolate bar, cartoon baker.

See, when I eat a healthy(ish) cereal like Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares, I like to reward myself for making good decisions. I don’t go overboard, and I always aim for balance: I’ll top my hot dogs with pizza (a vegetable), put extra syrup (made from trees!) on my pancakes, or I’ll eat a dozen fun-sized candy bars.

(As they’re objectively the least fun candy bar size, I’m doing the world a favor.)

But now thanks to Trader Joe, I don’t have to waste time between snack(ish) and treat, time that I’d just waste breathing, walking, or *shudder* exercising. By merging their pretty-good Crunchy Cinnamon Squared into an appropriately squared milk chocolate bar, TJ’s has radically optimized my calories-per-minute stats.

No more Homemade Double Decker Mayonnaise Oreos for this happy fella! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, cinnamon, non cereal, trader joe's. 1 Comment

Apr. ’18

Review: Trader Joe’s Crunchy Maple Ladders Cereal

Falafel and honey.

Hummus and chocolate sauce.

Chana masala and marshmallow fluff.

As you can obviously tell by these obviously real and totally classic flavor combos, pairing chickpeas with sweet flavor is a totally normal and not eyebrow-raising thing to do. I mean, why else would Trader Joe’s make a chickpea, corn, and rice flour cereal flavored with maple syrup? People have definitely probably maybe been roasting garbanzo beans in whipped cream for centuries!

In all seriousness, once you get over the novelty of this psyllium-rich, gluten-free cereal’s ingredients, the more baffling question is: why ladders? Trader Joe’s site poses this explanation:

“Does every morning feel like an uphill climb? Is breakfast a bore, a chore, or—worse—a battle? We hear you. In fact, we’ve been there. So, to help make that sluggish, uphill climb feel more like a victorious ascent, we’ve created another great breakfast cereal.”

But that seems like a stretch to me. If they wanted to make a cereal shaped like something morning-friendly, they could have make crunchy coffee cups, chewy snooze alarms, or crispy traffic-free commutes. But no, instead we have these ladders, which look like modernized Graham Crackos that migrated to Canada.* As a certified maple fanatic who is seriously considering a French Toast Crunch tattoo, I’m ready to see if these ladders can climb up to my lofty standards. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, maple, trader joe's. 9 Comments

Apr. ’18

Review: Steak ‘n Shake Froot Loops Milkshake

Toucan Sam himself always told kids to “follow your nose!” And I’m glad he did, because I’ve got a good nose for B.S. (Bumbling Shenanigans).

What do I mean by this? Oh, just the last 5/11 of Steak ‘n Shake’s name. For a place that prides itself on its arctic milk products, presumably made by milking polar bears, a lot of Steak ‘n Shake’s milkshakes seem a little lazy—almost as lazy as putting only one apostrophe on a truncated conjunction that deserves two.

But that’s none of my fast food business, I say while sipping a milkshake like it’s hot tea.

The shakes, on the other hand, are my bloggerly business, and time and time again, I’ve been disappointed by S&S shakes that don’t make the most of their ingredients, instead seemingly dusting chunks of M&M’s, Kit Kats, Cocoa Krispies, or otherwise, when the more logical thing to use would be a flavored ice cream base.

This is why I’m remaining tentatively skeptical of the chain’s new Froot Loops Shake: joining a quintet of other breakfast flavors, this dairy concoction is far from daring. Not only has it been done before, but this Froot Loops Shake has huge talons to fill, as last year’s Burger King Froot Loops Shake was a fantastic tropical elixir infused with magical cereal syrup.

I don’t expect Steak ‘n Shake to use fancy strawberry ice cream or anything, but are a few pumps of mysterious fruit goo too much to ask? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, froot loops, kelloggs. Leave a comment

Apr. ’18

Review: Honey Oh’s Cereal

To paraphrase Heath Ledger’s Joker: “Release a new cereal, and no one panics. Tweak the recipe of an old cereal, and everyone loses their minds!”

Yes, these past couple years have seen a mass vocalization of irritated cereal fans, many of which seem to think teh very fabric of their remembered childhood is under attack by greedy, scheming cereal companies who are corrupting their favorite breakfasts and effectively erasing their personal history in the process.

While some cereal formula changes may be done to save cash, some, like Honeycomb and Trix, have merely been misguided attempts to make cereals all natural—which companies think consumers want. And though diehard fans shut down those last two changes with cries of “the naturalness of my cereal is none of your beeswax!” and “silly General Mills, Trix are for artificial colors more technicolored than Joseph’s dreamcoat!” other cereals, like Alpha-Bits and now Honey Oh’s remain metamorphosed into something new altogether.

This is all to say that cereal companies should probably keep their Tony-sized paws off the classics, and consumers should probably be more clear about what the heck they want out of their morning meals. But while that debate will doubtlessly roll on until my comments section is quarantined by the CDC, I finally found these newly formulated Honey Oh’s for review.

Formerly known as “Honey Graham Oh’s” or “Honey Graham Oh My Goodness They’re So Good But Leave My Mouth Torn To Shred’s,” these new rings dared to remove graham from one my own favorite cereals. I’ll remain un-opinionated until I try them, but there is one thing I’ll say for sure: Post better have shipped their leftover graham flour to the Teddy Grahams factory. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, honey, post. 13 Comments

Mar. ’18

Review: Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts (2018)

Snack to the future!

Unless you’ve been living under a Fraggle Rock, you’ve probably noticed that food and beverage companies are capitalizing on America’s recent wave of nostalgia—a yearning for the ’80s, ’90s, and in the case of Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts, even the early 2000s—brought on by the cruel world we live in now that’s so nonsensical it would nominate Boss Baby for an Oscar.

Yes, from Crystal Pepsi and Oreo O’s to Ecto-Cooler and Chicken Fries, Big Foodstuff has been throwbacking so hard the chiropractic industry has been thriving. The only thing missing now is Planters PB Crisps, the last two pieces of which have been spotted dangling from the back of Mr. Peanut’s Silverado.

And while all those wacky retro fonts and radical blurbs of pandering marketing copy are starting to get old, I support this snack-studded nostalgia trip if it means I keep getting to taste revived old Pop-Tarts like Vanilla Milkshake. Originally released in 2008, Vanilla Milkshake recently re-debuted alongside Strawberry Milkshake, and thanks to my region’s award-winningly slow-to-stock-new-things Walmarts (where Vanilla Milkshake is an exclusive flavor), I only finally found them this week.

So while a budding lactose intolerance keeps me from enjoying real vanilla milkshakes (almond milk, ftw), now I can live vicariously through these frosted ravioli. And yes, that’s the last time I’ll ever make a “Pop-Tarts are ravioli” joke. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, kelloggs, pop-tarts, vanilla. 2 Comments

Mar. ’18

Review: Kellogg’s Unicorn Cereal with Magic Cupcake Flavor!

Happy Mythological Creatures Day!

What? It’s not fair that the leprechaun gets all the attention on St. Patrick’s Day. People are turning rivers green, eating their weight in pickled cabbage, and drinking enough specialty beverages to leave them dazed (I’m talking post-Shamrock Shake sugar crashes, of course). For a day so absurd by definition, I don’t want to constrain my cryptid celebration to a mischievous little green gnome.

I want Mothman fly-overs with the Blue Angels. I want Chupacabra parades so large the price of goat will skyrocket. I want statues erected to honor Uncle O’Grimacey. And I want to scarf down Kellogg’s new Unicorn Cereal, which has finally hit American shelves after gracing international ones as Unicorn Froot Loops for nearly a year now.

Why Kellogg’s decided to drop “Froot Loops” from the title, I don’t know—maybe Toucan Sam won the copyright battle, claiming the unicorn’s horn is too similar to his beak—but if it means seeing a fresh equine face in the cereal aisle, I’m all for it.

Because where else could people eat unicorns and rainbows for breakfast? No-*cough*literallyrighthere*cough*-where! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, kelloggs. 6 Comments

Mar. ’18

Review: Lucky Charms with Magical Unicorn Marshmallows

The year is 2022: the last known record of humankind.

Following the success of their Magical Unicorn, Jazzy Yeti, and Iridescent Riddle-Telling Sphinx marshmallows, Lucky Charms has decided to keep the cryptozoological marbit trend rolling with a sugar nugget more mythical than ever before: a Technicolor Cthulhu marshmallow!

Predictably, this marshmallow becomes too ornately psychoactive—too destructively beautiful—instantly vaporizing any who see it with its multi-folded, granulated power. The end of civilization naturally follows.

Grim, I know, but that deadly premonition is years away. We should rejoice while we can, because Lucky Charms’ newest Magical Unicorn is a gorgeous harbinger of breakfast doom. It also marks a very strange shift in Lucky Charms’ ethos: just a year or two ago, General Mills was so committed to removing artificial colors that they turned the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles—veritable icons of neon ’80s excess—into pallid reptile droppings (that still tasted good, mind you).

There were even reports that Lucky Charms would lose its artificial colors too, by the end of 2017 or so, leading tinfoil-hat conspiracists like me to predict last year’s Mixed-Up Marshmallow Cereal were conditioning cereal lovers to accept color changes. But after the milk-splashing cannonball of a flop that was all natural Trix, GM seems to have abandoned this ideal, bringing back Trix and introducing this very very artificially colored unicorn marshmallow, finally acquiescing to the ravenous demands of inner children everywhere.

Because the best news is that the Magical Unicorn is a permanent addition to the Lucky Charms family, replacing the youngest of the brood: the hourglass. I’d like to see how the Unicorn explains the ‘glass’ absence to the rest of the sugary fam, but I’m sure it can just say he’s “having the time of his life at a farm upstate.” Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, lucky charms. 1 Comment