Category Archives: Reviews

Review: 7-Eleven Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Slurpee

There are certain events in the cereal world that take on a great historic significance. Events that I end up referencing constantly in future reviews, party conversations, and poorly thought out wedding toasts.

In recent memory, a few spring to mind: the one-year resurrection of Frute Brute & Yummy Mummy monster cereals, the permanent revival of ’90s classics French Toast Crunch & Oreo O’s, and the documentary-worthy fall/rise of Tiny Toast & Honeycomb.

These events will no-doubt earn diagrams, if not call-out boxes in any future cereal history book. And after trying 7-Eleven’s infinitely hype-able Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Slurpee, I’m convinced it deserves its own chapter, one worth driving all the way out to the only 7-Eleven in West Michigan to be a part of. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 10 rating, cap'n crunch, non cereal. 4 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Vanilla Latte Frosted Mini-Wheats

I don’t know which age gap is bigger here: the one between the elderly countenance of fibrous shredded wheat and the inherent hip and/or intellectual youthfulness of a vanilla latte, or the quantum leap between that same vanilla latte and the disturbingly clownish/juvenile bootleg SpongeBob face of Frosted Mini-Wheats’ new(ish) mascot design.

Most know by now, but I have negative fondness for him. I believe his parents were a normal Frosted Mini-Wheat and a blob of radioactive sewage.

All Geiger counters in my Amazon cart aside, I’m excited to try the non-buffoonishly anthropomorphized Vanilla Latte Frosted Mini-Wheats that lie inside, perhaps in a steam of powdered sugar.

Because Kellogg’s is one for one on Vanilla Latte sweets, meaning if they knock this out of the park, Chocolate Mocha Mini-Wheats can’t be far behind.

Let’s hasten history!

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, coffee, kelloggs, mini-wheats. 9 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Cheerios Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cereal

Which cereals go to the gym?

It’s becoming easier to tell. Previously, it was clear that the burly likes of Raisin Bran and Grape Nuts totally work out—and that Wheat on the bench press? Totally Shredded—while Tony the Tiger’s protein-deprived Frosted Flakes definitely skip leg day.

But other classic cereals? Unclear. But with the release of Cheerios’ new Cinnamon Oat Crunch cereal, we know original Cheerios must be wimpy as a honey-soaked pool noodle, because these oat-specked rings are true cereal alpha grains.

Evoking the appearance of both Cheerios Protein and Honey (née Graham) Oh’s, Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cheerios trade muscly protein for stomach-rumbling fiber, with some remaining from the scaly layer of oat shard coating each like wholesome armor.

I’ve heard good things leading up to this review, so I’m ready to go toe-to-toe in the ring (my bowl) with this no pain, no grain gym rat.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cheerios, cinnamon, general mills. 15 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Chocolatey Salted Caramel Pop-Tarts (Walmart Exclusive Flavor!)

Just as sure as there will be fads in fashion, from Crocs & bedazzled jeans to high-water pants and bedazzled Crocs, there will be fads in food that was and wane with the years and seasons.

But while most taste trends wear themselves out—pumpkin spice, sriracha, maple bacon, and the ’70s’ aspic-encapsulated everything spring to mind—salted caramel is one of few (hi, avocado) recent buzz-powered foodstuffs that actually stands the taste of time.

Which is why I’m glad Walmart and Kellogg’s decided to not release jellied Aspic Pop-Tarts and instead gave us Chocolatey Salted Caramel, a sodium-supplemented upgrade to plain ol’ Chocolatey Caramel, who now appears in my memory like a fragile Squirtle to this NaC(arame)l Blastoise.

So while I’m encouraged by the premise, there’s only one way to know how good these are. And friends, it doesn’t involve a peppermill. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, caramel, chocolate, pop-tarts. 4 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Nilla Wafer Banana Pudding Cereal

The last scoop of banana split.

The last slice of banana bread.

The last little bit of banana that gets caught in the peel’s dry and strand-filled corner. You know, the kinda gross bit you only eat out of pity.

Yes this last scoop of banana pudding will end the Great Banana Cereal Bonanza of Summer 2018—unless Curious George rises up Planet of the Apes-style to storm the breakfast aisle. And while Kellogg’s Raisin Bran with Bananas is the still the reigning chimp-snack champ, Post’s Banana Pudding Nilla Wafer cereal is by far the one I remain most optimistic about.

See, I relate a lot to the humble Nilla Wafer’s “underrated weirdo” approach to the cookie aisle, as it stoically endures what must be countless jeers, wedgies, and “your mom” jokes from the looming shadows of bigger cookies like Oreo or Chips Ahoy.

Heck, I think even Fig Newton once stole a Nilla Wafer’s lunch money.

So because I’ve had a strange flavor obsession with Nabisco’s divinely golden-buttery discs, I’ve long wished for a Nilla Wafer. And now it’s come true—I can only assume that Post added the nostalgic dessert flavor of banana pudding after smartly observed that Nilla flavor alone couldn’t sell a cereal outside of a niche audience of dudes wiling to pour their hearts out online for a half dollar-sized vanilla biscuit.

So like Dave Coulier into a box of long-lost Vanilla Weasels (hey, that’s two Full House references this week: no mercy to be had!), let’s dive in, with emphasis! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, marshmallows, post, vanilla. 7 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Banana Split Dippin’ Dots Cereal

What will the cereal of the future look like?

Long dubbed the ice cream of the future, Dippin’ Dots’ (I’m gonna need to order another box of apostrophes) famous evolution was both the atomization and flesh-ripping frostification of the classically amorphous dairy treat using dry ice.

Since there’s already been cereal with freeze dried ice cream bits, any truly revolutionary cereal will have to up the ante from there.

Micro-chipped cereal for GPS-powered “Breakfast Go” mobile games? Zero calorie Diet Cereal (or at least translucent Crystal Cereal?)?

Ooh, or maybe a 100% All Beef Hot Dog Cereal…you know…to compete with Dippin’ Dots’ at the ball game?

Regardless, General Mills’ new Dippin’ Dots Cereal is here, to the delight of many and the frustration of one, and I’m going to see if it’s as innovative as its namesake by first trying the flavor that fits with this week’s theme of banana madness: Banana Split!

(If I die of a potassium overdose, blame whichever Banana in Pyjamas has a higher net worth.)

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, banana, chocolate, general mills, ice cream, strawberry. 3 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Bunches with Almonds

Da-da-dum da-da-dum, da-da-dum-dum-dum.
Da-da-dum da-da-dum, da-da-dum-dum-dum.
da-da-dum da-da-dum da-da-dum-dum-dum DA-DA-DUUUUM da-da-dum-dum-dum.

If you couldn’t tell by my horrible phonetic theme song translation, this is officially part two (outta who even knows any more) of Cerealously’s Banana Cereal Bonanza, an unplanned event kicked-off deliciously by Kellogg’s and now perpetuated by Post’s Honey Bunches of Oats, one of their flagship, 10/10-earning cereal series that has hitherto been left out of Post’s noteworthy recent resurgence.

But no longer: no cereal brand can slip past Post’s cereal war draft, so now Honey Bunches of Oats (specifically their cult favorite almond variety), has slipped right into the fray Mario Kart-style, on the peeled wings of some smiling banana angels, whose flavor has allegedly been baked into every eponymous granola bunch.

As an expert on Mario Kart theology—divine intervention once saved me on Rainbow Road—I intend to test this theory with a spoon as my chalice.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, banana, honey bunches of oats, post. 1 Comment

Jun. ’18

Review: Kellogg’s Raisin Brain with Bananas Cereal

Donot mess with bananas.

I’m convinced that, for a while now, whatever divine, potassium-based organisms control the world’s banana populations, they’re powerful enough to initiate a new, yellower world order from the safety of their unassuming peels.

How do I know this? Just look at every banana cereal of note: the winsome weirdness of Urkel Os. The untold smoothie sorcery of Minions Cereal. The nutty nuance of Banana Nut Cheerios. And the baked-in brown sugar bravery of Banana Bread Shreddies.

They hardly got any buzz, yet they nearly gave me an intoxicated buzz of ethereally fruity deliciousness.

That kind of untapped, Luke Skywalker-troubling power is what makes me both fear and salivate over Kellogg’s new Raisin Bran with Bananas. RB isn’t the Kellogg’s mainstay I’d expected to take on dried ‘nanner discs (hello, Special K), but the healthiness of dry fruit does seem like an auspicious counterpart for a cereal so famously mocked for its droll, fiberous flavor.

So like Revenge of the Nerds, the oft-lampooned Raisin Bran sun is ditching his usual bunches and letting slip a fury of bunch-powered flakes.

Be careful which heavenly body you call boring in middle school.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: banana, kelloggs, raisin bran. 8 Comments