Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Strawberry Life Cereal

Quaker Strawberry Life Cereal Review Box

Believe me, the strawberry life is a tough one to live.

I would know: I’ve tried it. Always being the sweetest and most loved in the room? It’s not a proud path to follow, but you hand out enough free gum and anyone can be the most loved kid in 5th grade American History class. And having to hang out with Franken Berry? Respect to his legacy, but as a conversationalist, he’s a bit of a dolt—or at least a pain in the neck.

I did like wearing pastel pink though.

That’s all to say that Quaker’s new Strawberry Life cereal faces a questionable judge in this review. I found that there have been very few fruity Life Cereals (Pumpkin Spice doesn’t count!), and perhaps for good reason: I typically associate Life’s multigrain biscuits with richer flavors, so a fruit-filled flavor like strawberry will have to pull some real flavor sorcery to realign my expectation of what a Mikey-approved cereal can be.

Let’s see how much of the strawberry life this can restore to my currently bananas existence. Continue reading

Review: Nature’s Path Golden Turmeric Cereal

Nature's Path Golden Turmeric Cereal Review Box

I only know three things about turmeric:

1. It reminds me of elementary school (and two days ago) Neopets favorite Turmac Roll.

2. It’s in a lot of hip dishes that a man of my economic stature has no business even observing through any organ from the sinuses down.

3. My mom once bought a full bottle of it, and after realizing she didn’t know what to do with it, left it to hibernate for years behind the expired taco seasoning packets, like an auburn hermit.

And I guess I also know that Nature’s Path’s Golden Turmeric cereal is the first cereal of its kind. Combining thick, Tostitos Scoops-shaped flakes with turmeric, honey, cinnamon, and flakes of coconut, this smorgasbord of snappy spice promises to educate my palate like a benevolent Gordon Ramsay fresh out of the convent.

So without further ado, let’s see whether sugar, spice, and everything nice play nice here.

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Review: Malt-O-Meal & Cold Stone Creamery Our Strawberry Blonde Cereal

Malt-O-Meal Cold Stone Creamery Our Strawberry Blonde Cereal Review Bag

Are you prepared for this responsibility?

I sure hope so, because we already have this Strawberry Blonde. It’s not just your Strawberry Blonde or my Strawberry Blonde.

This is Our Strawberry Blonde, so if you weren’t ready to telekinetically eat this cereal with me, then you shouldn’t have decided to trade your usual Cocoa Krispies for an infant-sized bag containing a revolutionary gastronomic feat that blends honey graham squares (Golden Grahams who had their identities stolen), strawberry puffs (rarely seen pieces that I hope were stolen from the JIF PB&J dumpster at the Kellogg’s factory), and the perennial favorite: “marshmallows” (looking as amorphously rotund as always).

It’s a daring pairing, but after witnessing the transformative taste bud magic of Malt-O-Meal and Cold Stone Creamery’s other cereal pairing, I wouldn’t be surprised if this reunification of three potent cereal powers turns saucily sorcerous.

Care to scream with me?

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Review: Quaker Peanut Butter & Honey Oatmeal

Quaker Peanut Butter & Honey Oatmeal Review Box

I love unconventional pairings.

Sure, peanut butter & honey might not be that strange, but compared to those square food pairs—PB&J, Chocolate & Peanut Butter, Chocolate Strawberry: you know I love you, but it’s been done, mate—PB&H belong more with other alt combos like Banana MapleRaisin Walnut & Honey, or Coconut & Caramel.

Hey, I guess Quaker Oats is pretty good at this. I predict if oatmeal flavor permeations are going to keep up this rate of release, we’ll see a flavor like this mutate into Peanut Butter & Pickle Oatmeal by 2020.

But until then, let’s dive into a piping hot bowl of freshly microwaved Honey Butters & Oats. Continue reading

Review: Puffins Protein Berry Burst Cereal

Puffins Berry Burst Protein Cereal Review Box

I have a soft spot for Puffins.

No, I’m not talking about the nevertheless adorable bird—I have a photo of a festive one hanging in my bathroom, to sum it up—this is about the Barbara’s Bakery cereal line.

The line of wholesomely crunchy pillows gets little praise, but I find its unique molasses sweetener usage comforting. Plus it knows how to do peanut butter flavor so authentically Mr. Peanut would definitely use a Puffin as a throw piece on his legume-shaped futon.

That’s why I’m excited for a chance to get comfortable, fruity, and…ripped? I know These Protein Berry Burst Puffins have been out for a while, but as they are exclusive to Whole Foods, it took me a while to get my hands on them.

So without further ado, let’s swoop in for a scoop. Continue reading

Review: Chocolate Strawberry Shredded Wheat

Post Chocolate Strawberry Shredded Wheat Cereal Review Box

How high is too lofty of an ambition for a bland-by-nature shredded wheat brick?

It seems that the once humble bales are no longer content with simply sweet flavors like Blueberry and plainly Frosted. Now they’re aiming higher, seeking to be in the same strata of flavor decadence as cinnamon rolls, vanilla lattes, and now chocolate-covered strawberries.

With the expectations those desserts carry with them, that’s a heavy burden of responsibility for a crate of thatched wheat to bear. I’ll go into Post’s latest variety with an open-mind, but there’s one thing I’m calling up front:

A shredded wheat biscuit will never be an aphrodisiac.

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Review: Kashi by Kids Cereals – Honey Cinnamon & Berry Crumble

Kashi by Kids Honey Cinnamon & berry Crumble Cereals Review

Children are powerful.

They have the power of mind control, just by releasing water from their eyes. They have the thermal potential to make an ice cream cone drip all over the place, just by looking at it. And they have the power to turn an entire car around, just by doing those first two things.

I know this power because I wielded it so many years ago. Although in my case, instead of drippy ice cream it was dropping an entire pizza slice crust side up onto my mother’s plush car floor mat. I think tomato plants have since grown from the stained point of impact.

Case in point, I’m not surprised Kashi harnessed the imagination potential of real kids to design their two newest healthy cereals: Honey Cinnamon and Berry Crumble. Given Kashi’s tendency toward piece homogeneity, I was surprised to see that each cereal contains two totally different cereal players: a flavor-stuffed pillow is unique to both, but Honey Cinnamon boasts tiny cinnamon snail shells, while Berry Crumble boasts indigo orbs.

Of course, it does take childlike whimsy to break corporate sameness, so if a little youthful thinking is what it would take to get, say, a Choco Taco shaped/flavored breakfast product, then I’m all for seeing Kellogg’s pick the developing brains of more cereal prodigies.

Tony the Tiger could play Kindergarten Cop, right?

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Review: Great Value Frosted Mystery Toaster Pastries

Great Value Mystery Frosted Toaster Pastries Review Box,  (White Grape Pop-Tarts essentially)

You ever have that one kid at your school who was really weird back in the day but is now doing super cool stuff?

You know, the kid who would eat paste like pasta sauce in elementary school, hiss at kids in the hallway in middle school, and insist on being called “Chuck” in high school, even though his name was like, Roger? The kid who would eventually grow up to make crazy science stuff, or build bridges? Or at least build cool LEGO dioramas in his basement?

Haha, I know you all had a kid like that, but there definitely wasn’t one in my school. Ahah, why is everyone looking at me.

Long autobiography short, Great Value is like that kid. I’ve never once had a Great Value Toaster Pastry—I always preferred Kroger’s store brand because of its crudely adorable Toaster Treats mascot—but seeing them release a mystery flavor, before even Pop-Tarts or Toaster Strudel (who knows, Toaster Treat might be brewing up a fan-elected flavor)

Great Value just turned its bargain rectangle reputation into one that’s handsome and enigmatic. Could it be an appropriately Walmart flavor, like Fruit Punch Pickles? Could it be a Dum-Dum-style production error (like Fruit Punch Pickles)? Or could it be the flavor of a Walmart floor itself?

Only the unseen foiled abyss knows the answer. I’m going in. Continue reading