Category Archives: Reviews

Review: Maple Cheerios Cereal (2018 American Edition!)

Some flavors just stick.

S’Mores, brownie batter, caramel: all slightly unconventional flavors that, despite not being a honey nut, chocolate, or strawberry, always seem to find their way back into the breakfast aisle—and some how under our nails, in our hair, and even binding together electronics as a haphazard tape replacement.

What, you didn’t know toasted marshmallow was a great conductor?

In all seriousness, this class of adhesive alumni are led by their viscous valedictorian: maple syrup. A popular arboreal elixir in Vermont and Vancouver alike, maple is such a sticky flavor that Maple Cheerios, released last year as an allegedly Canada-exclusive cereal to celebrate the country’s 150th birthday (that’s a lot of pancake candles), has arrived in the U.S.

Must’ve stuck to the bottom of a border-crossing General Mills truck, hence the spilled-syrup maple leaf—I can only assume this is a government-issued Canadian seal of approval, like how America’s exported cereals must get ranch & mayonnaise stars & stripes. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, cheerios, general mills, maple. 9 Comments

Sep. ’18

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Toaster Strudel – Cinnamania!

Uh, yes, General Mills customer service hotline? Yes, I’d like to file a serious complaint of the geometrically misleading nature.

See, your popular breakfast cereal product “Cinnamon Toast Crunch,” with its cinnamon-swirled, famously see-able taste, frequently tells me in its commercials—featuring cannibalistic cereal creatures who send a bad message about disrupting the food chain, but that’s a different phone call—to “Crave those Crazy Squares.”

Yet, the cereal’s newest crossover product, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Toaster Strudel, lacks the proper equilateral dimensions to qualify as a square. At best, they’re rectangular prisms, but even that forces me to uncomfortably suspend my knowledge of high school mathematics in order to enjoy this product.

Not that this is the first time you’ve spurned Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s signature shape, but after this egregious misstep, I must request that you atone for your mistake by changing the trademarked slogan to either “Reach toward those Rascally Rectangles” or “Quest for those Quirky Quadrilaterals.”

I’ll forgive your twice-toasted error for now—at least until breakfast is over—but just know one thing: your obtuse disregard for geometry has been acutely noted. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cinnamon, general mills, toast crunch, toaster strudel. 2 Comments

Sep. ’18

Review: Buffalo Wild Wings & Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Blender!

We already know that human sports exist within the cereal world: Wheaties is practically an in-universe ESPN, Tony the Tiger coaches little league, and Cap’n Crunch has played in so many games that a human man of his age would have retired with soggy joints years ago.

But this past year or so of cereal–restaurant tie-ins suggests that our beloved cereal mascots, many of whom are older than us, have turned to a new form of friendly competition—one that avoids lost teeth and crunched bones. The bowling of the cereal world, this is a sport ironically played in a cup:

Milkshake Mixology!

Yes, Buffalo Wild Wings & Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Blender is, by my count, the ninth major cereal milkshake to debut in recent memory. And while the Cap’n may be wearing palate guards now, my slightly lactose-intolerant stomach has tried them all.

But will B-Dubs and C-Crunch’s drinkable dessert be an ace serve against Burger King’s incredible shake trio? Or will it post up next to Steak ‘n’ Shake’s milquetoast quintology of bench-warming waterboys?

There’s only one way to find out, and it involves going somewhere I never go without the supervision of an overbearingly athletic family member who will doubtlessly inquire deeply about my collective one year of Kindergarten soccer experience.

(I almost got kicked off the team for trying to tickle other kids too much. True story.)

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cap'n crunch, milkshake, quaker. 4 Comments

Sep. ’18

Review: Catalina Crunch Ditch Sugar – Dark Chocolate Artisan Cereal

“Oh, cereal? That old fuddy-duddy?” I chuckle, as I sunbathe alarmingly bronzed and sunglassed before taking a swig of milk from a neon pink thermos, “For a hip, working fella like myself, only Diet Cereal will do. It’s sugar-free, and isn’t that just sweet?

As my smiling commercial fantasy fades out, I’m left with the lucidly real task of reviewing Catalina Crunch’s DITCH SUGAR (as it’s stylized) Dark Chocolate Artisan Cereal. This is tough, because this is not the kind of cereal I usually review here—sure, I’ve tackled healthy cereals, but no sugar? That’s like eating a hot dog bun with just ketchup. Full disclosure, I received this sample from Catalina Snacks, and I chose to review it fairly as a way to diversify my cereal coverage—and hopefully reach internationally soon.

I heard Italian cereal is that real good, deep-dish stuff.

But unlike Diet Coke and its artificial ilk, Catalina Crunch DITCH SUGAR (which I could tattoo on my knuckles) is non-calorically sweetened with plant-derived stevia, meaning this cereal is practically a vegetable. And along with the cocoa fruit? Hand me a dinner Pop-Tart, because I’m set, baby.

The cereal’s Golden Grahamic, ridged squares come in a shockingly small package. I’m not sure if it’s designed to be mixed in with yogurt or smoothies, but it hardly makes a modest bowl alone—unless I’m meant to load a magazine of them into my breakfast cannon and go off. So with careful portion control, I’ll try and make my taste test long enough to get a good read (gotta turn off the Kirby function first). Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, chocolate. 22 Comments

Sep. ’18

Classic Review: Paw Patrol Kix – Honey & Berry Berry

Growing up, I never ate Kix.

Sure, I ate plenty of knuckle sandwiches, but thankfully my school bullies were usually too stout for their ham-thighed roundhouses to reach my molars.

Oh, and I never ate Kix cereal, either. Why? Because in a sea of colorful boxes and bug-eyed cartoon sirens staring down at me, it was hard to justify choosing…lightly flavored corn puffs for my weekly breakfasts—especially with the phonetically similar and superiorly fruit-shaped Trix just a hop, skip and a fist-pump away.

Now years later, the typically un-personified Kix brand is now fronted by Paw Patrol, a show apparently beloved by today’s young’ns. I don’t know what the show is about, so I’m just going to tell myself it involves a canine Village People cover band.

Thankfully, General Mills sent me a couple boxes of the stuff, in both Honey and Berry Berry. So while I wait for some of this and next year’s exciting cereals to arrive, I figured I’d do some dark timeline-traveling and relive the childhood I’m probably glad I never had. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, 6 rating, berry, general mills, honey, kix. 9 Comments

Sep. ’18

Guest Review: Hardee’s & Carls Jr. Froot Loops Mini Donuts

There’s a billboard just down the road from my local Carl’s Jr. that posits “Love is great, but food never broke my heart.”

Lies! You see, Hardee’s (who moonlights as Carl’s Jr. due to a grill experiment gone deliciously awry) was my tribe’s preferred burger joint back in the ’90s, when everything was better, from radio to the base grain of certain eagerly-anticipated monster-themed cereals. Family trips to Hardee’s were highlighted by curly fries. Sure, other chains had them (you’re a champ for sticking with it, Arby’s!), but the perfect blend of peppery orange curls came from the only chain bold enough to combine Apollo 13 with POGs. Sadly, much like that gravity-bending collab, curly fries were lost to fast food lore when Carl’s Jr. married into the clan.

So (artificially) color me surprised that you’re-not-my-real-dad’s counter-service conservatism was repealed for a moment to make way for Froot Loops…donuts?! That’s right, just as Kellogg’s cereals are striking back against the General Mills Halloween empire, those neon-hued rebels are also coming for your throne, Little Debbie. And if the Wars taught us anything, it’s that you shouldn’t underestimate the power of small, bright green packages. Continue reading →

Posted by jared m.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, froot loops, non cereal. 4 Comments

Aug. ’18

Mini Review: Reese’s Puffs Bats Cereal

Holy early Autumn, Bartman! Just yesterday I was fending off the Sprites of Summer with honeysuckle and incense, and now you’re telling me the Bats of Fall are already echolocally a-knockin’?

Well forget the onion bread we have in the oven: it’s garlic season.

But not until after a brief detour through Dog-Day Eager Beaver season. See, the likes of Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and now the constituents of some Count Choco-Peanut Buttula love to release their annual signature cereals before the dog days have finished yipping. While this is great for Halloween cereal lovers, it’s admittedly a bit sad when I overeagerly and unrestrainedly review them all before mid-September and I’m left writing about the trigonometry of Frute Brute’s incisors by 10/31.

So while I’m admitting I have a problem, instead of doing anything about it I’ll just pretend I’m eating Reese’s Puffs Sideways TIE Fighters. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, chocolate, general mills, halloween, peanut butter, reese's puffs. 1 Comment

Aug. ’18

Review: Kellogg’s Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes

What does late-stage pumpkin mania look like?

Yeah, yeah: I’m not suggesting that this country’s obsession with autumnal seasoning is going to be squashed out any time soon—I’ve made that mistake for about three consecutive years now. But I am saying that we are approaching an absurdity threshold, where even illogical products are being consecrated by this harvested incense.

And the breakfast aisle is no exception. On the surface, Frosted Flakes is a cereal dominated by tame flavors like chocolate and cinnamon—other cereals like this include Golden Grahams and Corn Pops—but it’s trying out this whole pumpkin spice thing with the timeliness of my grandpa doing the Harlem Shake. Plus on the back is a decked-out Halloween music festival called “Tony’s Pumpkin Up the Jams Fest.” Which is honestly a pretty unforgivable pun…

…that I wish I had thought of first.

Taking hipness out of the equation, I must still evaluate Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes with the unbiasedly refined palate of a cereal journalist. Or of Einstein’s dog, I guess. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, frosted flakes, kellogg's, pumpkin spice. 3 Comments