Category Archives: Reviews

Classic Review: King Vitaman Cereal

The abdication of an edible monarchy is an interesting thing, and a recurring concept amongst snack sovereigns. Perhaps it’s the unpopularity of ivory-towered mascots when compared to working class leprechauns and rabbits, but in past decades we’ve seen King Don usurped by a facelessly caked corporate hegemony, and the Burger King reduced to a mere figurehead—as the chain’s reigning fast feudalists find the best way to create viral stunts without improving food quality.

Yet, the cereal aisle’s top 1% of the 2% has been ruling largely in private since 1968, like an old god who clings to his last few believers. Yes, King Vitaman cereal still exists—much to my own surprise—though its production has been severely stifled in recent years. Much like another cult-favorite Quaker cereal, Quisp, your best bets for finding a box of King Vitaman in 2019 are outlet stores, the Internet, and maybe a haunted garage sale.

The cereal has a history richer than its vitamin & mineral content, dating back to its forced vowel tweak to Vitaman, as the FDA forbids non-vitamins to call themselves vitamins. Go figure. While I’ve long been uncertain how to pronounce this tasty tyrant’s name (my brain wants to think “veeta-man,” not unlike how a clueless parent would mispronounce “Digimon”), I have nothing but respect for his lineage of descendants.

King Vitaman I (whom the above commercial names to affirm my phonetic idiocy), joined by the villainous Not-So-Bright Knight, defended his breakfast riches with a steely scepter. He loses respect points for hoarding wealth, but remains a people’s champ for taking decisive action instead of relying on henchmen and fallguys.

King Vitaman II, the most beloved and recognizable, earned wide acclaim for giving the cartoon king’s spirit corporeal form. Portrayed by George Mann from 1971 to his death in 1977, King Vitaman II will be forever martyred as one of few live action cereal mascots, as well as someone who could easily bare-knuckle box the Burger King and punt him off a parapet. Rest in peace, your highness. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, cap'n crunch, classic, quaker. 12 Comments

Feb. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s Overwatch Lúcio-Ohs Cereal

It’s perfectly normal for a grown man to stress-sweat over diacritic placement, right? I remember when Pokémon first arrived on U.S. shores, and no one could figure out what to do with that funky mark over the e. Then a generation of kids learned to use hexadecimal code on our LiveJournals and all was right with the world. Well, what’s old is new again with the drop of this (figurative and literal) loot box. Blizzard has teamed up with Kellogg’s to extrude a veritable Winston of a cereal.

He’s a super-intelligent gorilla. It’s a genetic engineering joke.

And while the character’s vowel woes are only just beginning, I have to express a personal appreciation for the lack of incorrect apostrophe here. Ever wonder what happens to literature majors who manage to land a summer internship with Kellogg’s? Apparently they get to name cereals. Good on you for not going the Honey Oh’s route, anonymous typist! And we didn’t even have to sit through a diatribe about postmodern travel literature to enjoy it.

The promotion is fairly straightforward: buy a box of Lucio-Ohs (see, we’ve dropped the accent mark already because convenience… and search engines) and upload a photo of your receipt to the Kellogg’s website to receive an extra in-game loot boost. With normal loot coming at $2/box, it’s not the most cost-sensitive way to up your chances at anything legendary. As the man says, though, sometimes you’ve got to give yourself to the rhythm.

Speaking of which, Lucio is hardly an intuitive choice. We’ll probably never find out how the decision was made, and that means every night for the rest of my life I have to stare at the ceiling, wondering what Caramel Wrecking Balls might have been. Instead, the loops here are seemingly meant to represent sonic waves. Per Lucio’s default color scheme and Brazilian nationality (perhaps making him the most diverse cereal mascot on shelves at present), they’re yellow and green, so of course that means a rare lemon-lime cereal. Continue reading →

Posted by jared m.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, kellogg's, vanilla, video games. 11 Comments

Feb. ’19

Review: Fiber One Strawberries & Vanilla Clusters

There is a storied era in my life, one marked by a fleeting—or perhaps flaking—fixation with Fiber One. This was no regular phase (and yet, it very much was); in fact, I look back at it fondly as the deliberate death and rebirth of my true cereal passion.

At the time, I grew worried that my sugary cereal habits were contributing to a hollow hunger dissatisfied with airy rice and now-empty bowls of emptier calories. To make up for it, I dived headfirst into every cereal Fiber One released at the time, to knock off those gnawing cravings with a real gut-buster/duster/cluster. Chocolate Squares, Honey Squares, Honey Clusters, and even original Fiber One—a bona fide gut-readjuster at 55% of your daily recommended fiber per 1/2 cup serving…

…which I’d eat a full cup or more of before even leaving the house. Some say the gargantuan belly gurgles that followed were nationally registered as deep-sea sonar anomalies.

I eventually grew tired of these breakfast bombshells and used the experience to synthesize a happier balance of morning sweets and sticks, ultimately making me a more well-rounded cereal blogger. That’s why I’m more than happy to both review and defend Fiber One from dismissive cereal critics. Because if a Fruity Pebbles-centric diet has left you groggy and gravelly, something like these new Strawberries & Vanilla Clusters might just mix things up without churning them up. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, fiber one, general mills, strawberry, vanilla. 2 Comments

Feb. ’19

Review: Honey Bunches of Oats Apple Caramel Crunch

You’ve heard of snack attacks, but what about sneack attacks?

No, that’s not a typo: I firmly believe that Honey Bunches of Oats has perfected the art of the 800-pound guerrilla breakfast bombardment. Not even counting the recent, off-brand and Internet-splintering news of Honey Brunches of Oats Chicken & Waffles Cereal, the now 30-year old cereal brand has a history of dropping sneakily scrumptious new flavors at the start of the year, without the preemptive fanfare we see from most crunch-slingers.

In 2016, the masters of crispy (fried poultry or otherwise) flakes and granola bunches brought back Chocolate Honey Bunches of Oats, and in 2018 we got the criminally underrated Pecan & Maple Brown Sugar HBoOats. Pulling another break-fast one on us, 2019 has now been blessed with Apple Caramel Crunch Honey Bunches of Oats.

More than just an exciting concept, this is only the second major caramel apple cereal after 2011’s bone-mealed Caramel Apple Boulders. Where caramel apple’s sister flavor, apple cinnamon, gets a lot of cereal aisle representation—including an apparently discontinued(?) Honey Bunches variety—I’m glad to see its stickier sibling finally getting exposure.

Even if it is half a year before caramel apple’s typical seasonal setting of booing and bobbing. Guess I’ll just have to cut some eyeholes in my winter-grade weighted blanket before eating.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, apple, caramel, honey bunches of oats, post. 3 Comments

Jan. ’19

Review: Peeps Cereal

(Had to show off the lovely ‘Easter Weather’)

Peeps are cute.

There, I said it. Happy now?

I don’t care if loving their pastel colors, minimalistic anatomy, and chibi countenance makes me any less of a gritty, macho cereal blogger—sorry, Mr. Universe: I’m declining the invitation—Peeps will always be welcome on my couch and in my Easter basket, even if I end up forgetting a few half-eaten packages of them under my bed.

My dad will never let me live down that now-mummified mistake.

Aesthetic enchantment aside, I will concede that the flavor and texture of Peeps is a polarizing and tinglingly molarizing issue. While I appreciate topiary marshmallow art when it’s seasonally appropriate, I can empathize with those who avoid the chicks and bunnies like glittered styrofoam.

Because even for me, the initial thought of a Peeps Cereal seemed foreboding. Along with Sour Patch Kids Cereal and upcoming Chicken & Waffles Cereal, it felt as if three of the four cereal horsemen of the apocalypse were leading their steeds away from milky troughs and into battle. And seeing that it’s a “marshmallow-flavored cereal with marshmallows” only made me welcome whatever cereal Death’s white mare will rear (Scynnamon Scythes?).

But then I saw the box, and my worries melted into a childish frenzy of “gotta try it” tunnel vision. I mean, just look at those loop colors: I want a beaded curtain of ’em! So whether you’re a Peeps fan or protestor, join me in my trip down the double-‘mallowed rabbit hole. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, kelloggs, marshmallow, spring. 4 Comments

Jan. ’19

Review: Rice Krispies Treats Snap Crackle Poppers (3 Flavors!)

What makes a balanced breakfast?

Cereal commercials will have you believe it calls for toast, fruit, milked cereal, another glass of milk, maybe like a sausage?, and some OJ for good measure. Despite such a figurative feast’s skewed carbo-hydrating to protein ratio, it’s still probably a better balanced breakfast than what I had in mind: a bowl of Rice Krispies in one hand and Cocoa Krispies in the other—each precariously perched on a card-tower of respective Confetti Cupcake and Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts.

Perfectly balanced, as all impending stomachaches should be.

That said, I’m really excited to work Kellogg’s new Rice Krispies Treats Snap Crackle Poppers into my balanced breakfast. Why, you ask? Because they’d make quite the square meal.

Nothing quite like 100 words of buildup to a two-word punchline. Anyway, for those still with me after that egregious comedy sin, it’s time to do some sweet penance: a three-part munchline of creamily coated and cubed Rice Krispies! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, 8 rating, chocolate, cookies and cream, kellogg's, rice krispies, vanilla. 2 Comments

Jan. ’19

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Strawberry Shortcake Crunch

“Let them eat cake.” — Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch

Well, probably. The origin of that quote is disputed by historians, biographers, and cereal box scribes, so it may very well have been everyone’s favorite breakfast boatman. After all, the never-aging Cap’n appears to be forever sailing in some timeless sea or milky non-place, so an 1843 quotation would feel like yesterday to such a mustachioed morning mainstay.

I’ve been analyzing Crunchian flavor trends already, but Cap’n “Deliciousness of the Endless” Crunch seems to have a growing fixation on cakes. After all, doughnuts are pretty much fried cakes—as are pancakes—so his latest variety may suggest more crunchy cakes in the future.

It’s called Strawberry Shortcake Crunch, and whatever mild conceptual surprise it brings is compounded by its genuinely interesting choice to pair Crunch Berry pieces with loops instead of classic Cap’n chests. Was this done to simply mimic a round, puffed pastry? To make it easier to squelch whipped cream into every piece? Or perhaps to nefariously lure Sonic the Hedgehog into his watery grave?

Because I don’t know about you, but I can’t rule out that Cap’n Crunch is just Dr. Eggman in disguise.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, cap'n crunch, quaker, strawberry. 4 Comments

Jan. ’19

Review: Frosted Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts

Wait, what the heck are these big flat things?

Steamrolled Pop-Tarts Bites? Stretch Armstrong-ed Pop-Tarts Crisps? The assimilated sentience of several dozen Pop-Tarts Cereal pieces?

Oh, right: I remember those retro rectangles now. Original Pop-Tarts—or OG PTs, as the kids may very well say—were what Kellogg’s used to make way back in 2018, before they seemingly decided to infuse essential Pop-Tart oils into every other snack product imaginable.

But after three spin-offs (that are really re-educated old school products), Pop-Tarts has finally released a new full-sized pastry, too (even if it’s really the latest in a long, long line of its kind). It’s called Crisp Apple, and it foregoes much of the flamboyant detailing of its apple’d ancestors in favor of a simplistic sauce blanche, almost exactly like that seen on Apple Blast Pop-Tarts—a flavor available in the U.K. since 2014.

But will this version be as American as apple handpies, or will its apple fall a few furlongs too far from its frosted family tree? Let me untwist my tongue and put it to work.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, apple, kellogg's, pop-tarts. 3 Comments