Category Archives: Reviews

Quick(ish) Review: SpongeBob Sea Berry Pop-Tarts

When you get right down to the rock bottom of it, there are really only two types of Pop-Tarts people: People who like fruity Pop-Tarts and those who prefer Chocolate Pop-Tarts. Yes, there some Pop-Tarts that can’t be easily sorted onto this continuum, but with the exception of fan-flavor-ite Brown Sugar Cinnamon (which really should be considered a member of the extended “brown sweetness” family alongside Cousin Chocolate), I can’t think of any Pop-Tart flavors beyond the choco-fruit binary that have a significant fan following. Yes, this includes Confetti Cupcake. And no, this doesn’t and in fact can’t include The Chosen One.

It was supposed to bring balance, which is why Kellogg’s destroyed it.

Long story short, I’m a chocolate Pop-Tart kind of guy. Chocolate Chip is probably my favorite of the O.G.s, while Milk Chocolate Graham forever has my heart for evicting that freeloading marshmallow from S’Mores Pop-Tarts. Yeah, I said it.

This is why, though I love classic Strawberry Pop-Tarts, I don’t think the likes of Blueberry, Cherry, and Raspberry—the latter of which I can’t remember ever having eaten more than once or twice. When Kellogg’s first tried to re-skin Raspberry Pop-Tarts as Spidey Berry Pop-Tarts, I gave them a pass. But now that Spidey Berries have been mashed en masse to produce an ocean’s worth of SpongeBob’s Sea Berries, I figured it was fate telling me to give the flavor another shot—or else the next time they came back it’d be as Beetle Juicy Pop-Tarts. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: non cereal, pop-tarts, raspberry. Leave a comment

May. ’20

Review: Gluten-Free Cinnamon Cheerios

For one spice, cinnamon sure wears a lot of hats. Just like Sailor Moon with her disguise pen, cinnamon can be just about anything: the faint infusion grounding Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s hyper sweetness. The sinful spear wielded by a Hot Tamale. Or the soon-to-be-regretted cornerstone ingredient in the tempting elixir known as Rumchata (or the more nefarious, Fireball).

The point is that, though it’s simple to write off the likes of Cinnamon Cheerios as ‘just another cinnamon cereal,’ the rich historical matrix of cinnamon cereals proves that very few of them—from Cinnabon Cereal to Cinnamon Crunch Krave—present the exact same shade of auburn delight. So while your first reaction—as mine was—to Cinnamon Cheerios may be “oh, it’s just Diet Oat Crunch,” I’m happy to report that not only are Cinnamon Cheerios a wonderful gluten-free option for cinnamon cereal fans, but their approach to cinnamon is different enough to make both worthy of a place in your pantry.

But I’ve said too much: let’s start from the top of the bowl. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cheerios, cinnamon, general mills. 2 Comments

Apr. ’20

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch & Lucky Charms Light Ice Cream

I’m putting on my waffle cone chainmail and wielding a shield forged from molten maraschino cherries, because what I’m about to say will no-doubt spark a meltdown in the frozen brains of whole-blooded ice cream diehards everywhere:

I like light ice cream.

Yes, I know it has a lot less authentic milk fat, and I know there’s a certain broad threshold between light ice cream and ‘frozen desserts’ that further muddles the clarity of creamishness involved. But I’m also a grown baby with sensitive teeth and a mild lactose problem, so something soft and tolerably intolerable is a lot more appealing than a brick of pasteurized pain in my gut.

I like to think that Edy’s/Dreyer’s made this pair of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms ice creams light solely so I, their favorite cereal reviewer, could safely discuss them. I know, in reality, that it was a matter of cost, but hey: let me have this fantasy as I go scoop deep into churned versions of General Mills’ two most spun-off cereals. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, ice cream, lucky charms, non cereal, toast crunch. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

Review: Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts Bites

Mainstays, icons, the A team: every brand’s got ’em, whether they’re flavors or sub-brands.

For Quaker cereal it’s Cap’n Crunch (and maybe Life). General Mills has Cheerios, Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch to do the bulk of its flavor licensing work. Post’s are arguably Honey Bunches and Pebbles, which is, itself, a two-faced Janus of Fruity & Cocoa. Likewise, Kellogg’s translates to Frosted Flakes and Froot Loops, plus Pop-Tarts, too.

As above, so below. If brand-level marketing has to tick certain option boxes, so too should a peripheral Pop-Tarts product have to do justice to what I’m calling The Big Four. Pop-Tarts’ finest. We got the higher ups in Bites form, as well as Chocolatey Fudge—which is a quasi-quintessential Pop-Tarts variety alongside Cookies & Creme.

But we’ve heard nothing about #3 & #4, S’Mores & Wild Berry. They complete this sacred quartet by further balancing rich and fruity sweetness.

No, instead of going with a proper, albeit unberried, wild card flavor like Hot Fudge Sundae or a Gone Nutty! variety, we got Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts Bites. Well, now it’s just Confetti Cake. Whether this was meant to be a symbolic instance of macro- vs. microcosm or not, one thing’s for certain: Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts were never that good to begin with. Certainly not Bites material. Heck, If I wanted a handful of bite-sized compound sugar bombs, I’d spread Cool Whip between some Frosted Animal Cookies.

But I’ve whined enough. I’ll pop open a pouch with an open mind, and give these angel-cake devils their due.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: kellogg's, non cereal, pop-tarts. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

Review: Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX (Corn Pops, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops & Apple Jacks!)

Kellogg's JUMBO SNAX Review Snackable Cereal

Yes, pictured are the complete contents of one of each JUMBO SNAX 0.45oz pouch.

Look out, Frosted Honey Bunches of Oats—you’ve got an usurper approaching your throne of supreme cereal unnecessity. If you thought “Honey Bunches with 66% rather than 33% of its constituent components glazed in sugar” was silly, meet Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX: four classic cereals enlarged so they’re…more…snackable?

Ah yes, of all the issues plaguing breakfast cereal, my main concern is that the darn stuff keeps slipping through the sieve of sausages I call fingers. I can’t tell you how many thriving ecosystems of microorganisms I’ve nourished beneath stadium bleachers where lost Loops go to be resorbed by Earth’s foundations.

But sorry, mosses who’ve evolved to masticate: no more free rides! This boy has enough JUMBO SNAX pouches to strap a bandolier with Jacked-Up Jacks and Weapons-Grade Caramel Corn.

So now that I’ll have no trouble doing so, let’s articulate the nuances of each variety. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: apple jacks, caramel, corn pops, froot loops, frosted flakes, kellogg's. 3 Comments

Mar. ’20

Review: Froot Loops Peeps Pop + Pancakes & Syrup

It’s a product no one asked for.

A product no one could’ve imagined.

Heck, a product whose name no one but that shell-peddling West Coast Sally could even pronounce.

Froot Loops Peeps Pops [repeat x4].

Now, I’m not saying cereal-flavored Peeps are a bad idea—such a thing has been rumored for a good while now. But I’m also not saying that Peeps are a good idea. Like, at all. I’m not repulsed by the things like a lot of, ugh, my peeps, but you’d be marshmallowy-soft-pressed to find me eating more than one and a half of the things at a time, as the latter chomped chick hindquarters slowly caulks my mouth closed. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: easter, froot loops, kellogg's, non cereao. Leave a comment

Mar. ’20

Review: 3 Japanese Cereals! (Brown Rice Roasted Tea Flakes, Donut Mart & Nissin Bread)

For being the obvious cereal obsessor that I am, my tongue is pretty poorly travelled. As much as I’d love to keep up with each continent’s new and exciting cereals—you should see the kriller stuff those penguins are spooning out—it’s hard enough to follow American cereal discourse without drowning in a review backlog of brightly colored bags (that feel more like bricks).

Sure, I’ve dabbled here and there, but there are always other international oddities that slip under my radar. Luckily, I can now put a few more stamps in my cereal passport, thanks to Empty Bowl listener Nina B. in Okayama, Japan. Because of her kindness as a penPAL, I can now expand my region-locked palate.

And for being just three ambassadors to a whole country’s crunch culture, these Japanese cereals form an inspiring continuum of flavors. We have a never-before-tasted idea like tea cereal, a charming reinterpretation of a round bakery classic, and a bread cereal that’s aptly the polar opposite of America’s resident loaflets.

Without further ado, let’s let the Land of the Rising Sun illuminate this microcosmic balanced breakfast. Continue reading →

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Mar. ’20

Review: Honey Nut Cheerios Treats (2020)

Why waste time eating many small things when one big thing does the trick?

Such is the philosophy that has plagued cereal sales for the past decade—and for understandable reasons: breakfast as a temporally restricted concept is not what it used to be. For me, entering a workday with belly bloated rarely sounds appealing, especially since I’ve optimized my morning routine to essentially get me from bed to door in thoughtless, uninterruptible, and Rube-Goldbergian fashion. And clearly I’m not alone, as cereal companies have scrambled like diner eggs to adapt classic flavors for on-the-go breakfasting, while rebranding cereal itself as the midnight snack it was always destined to be.

But while concepts like breakfast shakes and mobile cereal receptacles are comparatively recent innovations, the world of cereal bars has largely eschewed architectural change, in favor of the tried and true “cereal bits bound by sweet-cream glue and shaped into crude rectangles” approach. Though I will say that in the case of General Mills bars, like these *new* Honey Nut Cheerios Treats, they’ve been getting smaller and lighter when compared to certain sugary bricks of yore (that can still apparently be bought, albeit only in cafeteria-friendly quantities).

I deeply enjoyed those aforementioned Honey Nut Cheerios “Milk ‘n Cereal Bars”—even if the freeze-dried milk sandwiched in the middle could practically be repurposed as sticky tack—so I’m interested to see how 2020’s slimmed-down take on America’s favorite cereal compares. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cereal bars, cheerios, general mills, honey. Leave a comment