Someone call Wilmer Valderrama, because this is a Yo Momma-worthy rivalry in the breakfast world.
See, I don’t think Kellogg’s timely decision to turn their 3 flagship spookily spoonable flavors—Froot Loops, Apple Jacks, and Chocolate Frosted Flakes, all with (formerly skeletal) marshmallows—into awesomely characterized, diversely ‘mallowed jack-o’-lantern glow-upped versions of themselves was a mere aimless gesture.
Between the conveniently bat, Frankenstein, and ghost-shaped marshmallows and the doubtfully accidental pairing of werewolf and mummy costumes, this feels like a direct wink at General Mills’ Monster Cereals. Big K’s consonant hat tip couldn’t have been timed better, either: with rapidly staling box art returning this year instead of new looks for Count, Frank, and Boo (seemingly the only reanimated Monsters this year), I’m much more excited about this trio of immersively designed delights.
I mean, how couldn’t I? Tony looks like he could tell me that man is nothing but a miserable pile of secrets any minute!
Thanks to Hillary H. for sharing the news of these—you can view them on Walmart’s website.
I only ask because, after General Mills’ soft announcement of Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry Monster Cereals has left some monsterholics (not to be confused with the far less tame Monsterholics) a bit disappointed.
Typically built up with some sort of anticipation, early word on this breakfast time trio isn’t promising. It largely serves as a formal announcement of the Monster Crunch board game and puzzle, and it responds to fans’ collective clamoring for 20th century favorites Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy’s return by saying their board game presence is an introduction of sorts. Their non-appearance has since been externally confirmed.
Whether this means they’ll debut at a later time or only in merchandise is unclear, but given that General Mills’ blog post states the Monster Cereals will be hitting shelves soon, that must mean their creative production is complete. So it stands to reason that the presence of last year’s boxes in the photo probably means we won’t be getting a new gimmick or art style this time around the corn husk-laden crypt.
Hey, at least we’ll be able to channel our emotions into spirited cardboard competition.
Now that’s just my prediction. I’ll eat my words with marshmallows if I’m wrong, but until we learn more, I’m just gonna sit here with the Monsters Go Disco on repeat and hope they at least reintroduce two other classic, fan favorite monsters: Dr. Oat & Mr. Flour.
What do you get for the brand who’s made everything?
Seriously, with how many new cereals Post has cranked out these past couple months—a salivation irrigation effort that has produced the likes of Nilla Wafer Banana Pudding Cereal and Double Chocolate Brownie Crunch—I’ve quietly wondered how many new, feasible ideas they can come up with.
But I guess it’s not over ’til the fat Fig Newton sings.
The newest news to come from recent cereal leak plumber @markie_devo truly plumbs the depths of cereal creativity. Rather than pudding or cookies, this one is a sequel to last year’s Honey Maid S’Mores Cereal.
As the imagination-spurning title of Cinnamon Honey Maid Cereal with Marshmallows would suggest, this variety trades the chocolate spheres of its predecessor for a cinnamon coating on its own not-Golden Graham (Bronze Biscuits?) pieces.
As Markie notes, it’s unclear whether the cereal will even contain marbits, but with the also planned debut of a very-similar Teddy Grahams Cereal, I’d predict sunny cinnamon with a high chance of gooey ‘mallow precipitation.
But who knows, maybe this cereal will be resorbed by the Teddies’ cute popularity. Or both cereals will have a totally different flavor by the time their unknown release date hits. Although I will say one thing for near certain:
We probably won’t be seeing a Lorna Doone Cereal any time soon.
While it may be no surprise that Post is adding Teddy Grahams to its growing gauntlet roster of infinity cookie cereals, for someone who loves Teddy Grahams—and its long-gone Breakfast Bears breakfast cereal—as much as me, this is an era-defining ordeal.
I mean, between the number of times I’ve referenced the snack on this website and the fact that I still own a full set of Beanie Grahams (my word, not theirs), it’s more surprising that I’m not still passed out from this news.
This euphoria-laden scoop comes courtesy of markie_devo on Instagram. His leaked photo might be as grainy as it is whole grainy, but from it we can still see three things for certain:
A) It still features the horrific new Teddy Grahams mascot, who looks roughly like the “Before” picture in a Five Nights at Freddy’s infomercial.
B) It has a Cinnamon flavor call out, hopefully suggesting the possibility of future varieties (praying for Chocolate Chip).
C) It is made up of Teddy heads, instead of the iconic full bear bodies, though Markie does note some early speculation on what the final shape would be. Honestly, I’m hoping for a single, life-sized bear piece each breakfaster must devour progresively, like a sculptor chiseling marble.
While there’s no word on a release date yet, it’s fair to say that I’ll be prepping each of my Beanie Grahams to gain sentience and check a different store like plush drones once this cereal is spotted in the wild.
Now who do I talk to about getting a Dizzy Grizzlies Cereal?
Move over, Snap & Crackle, because there’s a new Pop in the breakfast aisle.
Well, kind of: Funko—the maker of those swollen-skulled pop culture figurines you’ve probably seen on your geeky friend’s mantel or on a purgatorial Toys ‘R Us shelf—is finally releasing its first line of collectors cereals, but only in special stores.
So unfortunately, we won’t be seeing a plastic-fortified Freddy vs. Jason vs. Tony the Tiger sequel in any major grocery stores. But tigers do have to sleep eventually…
Back on topic, the first run of FunkO’s cereals has changed drastically since the sneak peek we saw over three months ago now. Elvira has yet to make her bloody elegant debut, and Cuphead and Mugman are fronting the run & gun game’s cereal instead of The Devil. But as Funko is quick to point out, more cereals will be rolling out before year’s end to join the aforementioned beverage receptacles, Freddy Funko, Gollum, Mega Man, Freddy, & Jason:
“A second wave of FunkO’s hits limited stores in August. Pennywise will be available at Hot Topic, Huckleberry Hound at Funko, Batman and Batgirl at Entertainment Earth, Beetlejuice at Box Lunch, and Cthulhu at BAM!” (Source: Polygon)
With potential as big as Funko’s ∞-ly long product catalogue, here’s hoping we get cereals for every Pokémon, Sailor Scout, & Power Ranger, so we at least have a full cereal army before Thanos inevitably gets his own box. Maybe then we can get a 50% off sale?”
Speaking of which, at $7.99 according to the first news, the cereals don’t come cheap—not just because they each turn your milk a different color (mmm, high-calcium blood!), but because they have miniature Funko Pops inside—and some of the first series of FunkO’s are store exclusive. As the official release states:
“In July, Mega Man FunkO’s will be available at GameStop, Cuphead & Mugman FunkO’s will be available at Hot Topic, Freddy FunkO’s will be available through Funko, Nightmare On Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger FunkO’s and Friday the 13th’s Jason FunkO’s will be available at FYE, and The Lord of the Rings FunkO’s featuring Gollum will be available at BoxLunch. Additional cereals will continue to be added throughout the year for your snacking pleasure.”
Since there’s no word on the flavor varying from cereal to cereal, I’ll probably only pick up a couple—those big-nosed coffee boys are calling my name. Who are you most interested in?
It’s been a crazy couple of days for cereal—or at least, products that aren’t primarily cereal.
The chaos broke in appropriately outlandish form, with a photo of 7-11’s new Cap’n Crunch Berry Slurpee hitting Instagram thanks to @junkfoodduo. Now while my first reaction is an only-human revulsion, I remembered that if Cheetos can release a cinnamon sugar corn puff iced beverage I enjoyed, then perhaps the Cap’n can too.
I imagine it has something to do with churned cream corn?
Now before I roadtrip to the nearest 7-11 like a grog-deprived pirate, there are more chilled cereal crossovers to see.
Like a new Cocoa Puff bedazzled frozen yogurt from 16Handles, news courtesy of @markie_devo. I have no idea how wide this chain serves, but I just like the sight of a Cocoa Puff-bearded froyo that manages to come closer than any before to stealing my name.
Finally, @candyhunting discovered Toaster Strudel’s plan to release toastable little rectangles diorama’d with Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Trix.
I’m really surprised the first cereal x toaster pastry hybrid didn’t come from the typically-more-experimental family of Pop-Tarts. But I’m even more surprised that this suggests Cinnamon Toast Crunch may be on an unstoppable chain of deliciousguestroles, with a Mickey Mouse-esque aura that may permeate even weirder pumpkin spice-esque areas some day.
Could we see Cinnamon Toast Crunch cat litter?
All in all, this is a terrific chain of events that we can expect to enjoy soon—though with the rate that new cereal products are being released this year, I may be doggy paddling to my fridge through crunchy rings by September.
Over two years ago now, Kellogg’s dropped Chocolatey Caramel Pop-Tarts on us, and they were pretty great, but not “I’ll buy them over Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts” good. With a pretty traditional flavor combo that never made BuzzFeed headlines, it seemed like a flavor that couldn’t contend in such a gimmick-based breakfast climate and would soon roll off the shelves like a box of rogue Rolos.
But rather than succumbing to its fate, Chocolatey Caramel Pop-Tarts have teamed up with the exclusive-loving folks at Wally World to churn out this Walmart-only flavor that cybernetically enhances the Pop-Tarts’ classic taste with something appropriately trendy: salt, which I hope won’t be as disastrous as the last time they tried a savory Pop-Tart.
Chocolatey Salted Caramel Pop-Tarts have already been spotted out in the wild at various Dollar Generals and Chuck E. Cheese’s (just kidding: just Walmart). But until I find them, I’ll content myself with ideating other fad-friendly Pop-Tart upgrades: Sriracha Chocolate Fudge? Rosé Pink Lemonade? Ooh, how about Quinoa Hot Fudge Sundae?
Take me out to the ball game, keep me out of the crowds. Buy me some peanuts and Dippin’ Dots, I don’t care…if you want to watch the game, I’m gonna go eat my Dippin’ Dots in the car.
Yes, Dippin’ Dots’ futuristically chilled, innovatively tongue-tearing ice cream spheres were a nostalgia-bearing reprieve from boring childhood sporting events, and now General Mills is turning them into two cereals: Dippin’ Dots Cookies & Cream Cereal, and Dippin’ Dots Banana Split Cereal.
This is very clearly a retaliatory jab at all the great cereal Post (with its puppet company Malt-O-Meal) has been releasing, as this pair of ice creamy flavors isn’t just a clapback to M-O-M and Cold Stone Creamery’s cereals, but it’s a round of clapback applause to Oreo O’s and Nilla Wafer Banana Pudding Cereal, too.
We may be entering a new age of cereal war, folks, which of course only means good things for hungry cereal lovers who get to reap the deliciously creative collateral damage.
The most promising thing about these cereals? In both serials, the Clusters actually contain milk! This means they aren’t simply cheap artificially ice cream-flavored gimmicks, but they’re actually powered by lactose.
I expect many moos and ahhs to come.
Shout-out to Cereal Party for finding bothcereals on Walmart’s website, assumedly debuting soon. I hope neither I nor the cereal melt in the summer heat before I can find it.
