Category Archives: News

News: St. Patrick’s Day Lucky Charms Return for 2020

While I’m slightly disappointed in General Mills for retreading the same emerald-dyed waters for the upteenth time in Lucky Charms’ history, the cereal maker’s latest trip ’round the rainbow poses a curious question surrounding the deeper lore of the Charmiverse:

Is Lucky’s fear of children stealing his Charms just a false flag so no one goes after his moolah?

Sure, the in-world Charms are perhaps more valuable than loot or minted Loops—as they possess the same reality-warping power as Chaos Emeralds—but when it comes to cold hard cash? Lucky’s gotta be loaded if he was able to travel the cosmos and harvest each arcane artifact for his own kid-averse shenanigans.

So even though the brand-proclaimed star of 2020’s St. Paddy’s Day Lucky Charms is the “new” gold coin marshmallow (which in reality isn’t new), the buried lede in my opinion is this claim: “To celebrate Lucky the Leprechaun’s birthday (St. Patrick’s Day, of course!), fans have the chance to find Lucky’s Gold on select boxes of cereal!”

Hold up now, full stop. If we’re to believe that Lucky was born on St. Patrick’s Day, why isn’t it mentioned in this commercial? In fact, why would Lucky even think there’s reason to forget his birthday? I don’t mean to be the wolf who cried plot hole, but c’mon. Talk about crocodile tears.

Oh, right. The gold thing. Despite this implication of a chance at big prizes inside every box, I can’t garner any of the details from this box art alone. Coupled with General Mills’ promise that Leprechaun Traps will return to the back of the boxes, I remain uncertain of whether there are actually riches worth seeking—let alone the rich microwavable birthday cake seen in the above spot.

Whatever the mythos of this mythical fellow, Lucky’s St. Patrick’s Day Charms will be hitting shelves soon (two months early, of course) in both regular and chocolate varieties. Should you be fortunate enough to find a doubloon or just some Yukon Golds in your box, I simply ask that you mail me a Chaos Emerald as a token of gratitude. Dragon Balls will work too.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: holidays, lucky charms. 3 Comments

Jan. ’20

News: Peeps Cereal is Getting Bunny & Chick Marshmallows!

It only took a year, but one of 2019’s biggest missed opportunities is being repaired.

In my review of last Easter’s Peeps Cereal (which I still unseasonably blogged about in January), I noted—as any potential Peeper would—that a brand known for its cute animal shapes probably deserves better than lazy round & white marbits. Thankfully, those sugary eggs are hatching in 2020, as we can see in the above box art uncovered by Candy Hunting. I’d like to think it’s my complaints that got Kellogg’s to introduce these “Bunny & Chick Marshmallows,” but considering how I was equally scathing in my critique of this cereal’s taste, I doubt Kellogg’s would ever credit me.

After all, the frankly boring base cereal itself looks unchanged. I’ll admit that the bunnies are some of the better fashioned cereal marshmallows in recent memory—the chicks seem like they could be runny yolks—but unless those rascally rabbits breed while the cereal’s in your pantry, I might have to pass on buying a box again this spring.

But congratulations, Kellogg’s: you finally made an authentic Peeps Cereal. Now you just need to find an audience for the sugary stuff’s one-note opus.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: easter, kellogg's, marshmallows. 3 Comments

Dec. ’19

News: Kellogg’s Shopkins Cutie O’s Cereal

Ha, get it? Red & green. Christmas? Ever heard of it?

What’s wrong?

You don’t like it? It’s from your Aunt and I.

Aw, gee, well I’m sorry. I might not be with the times when it comes to Tik Tok (heh, get it, time?), but I figured since ya love those Mario & Louis characters so much you’d dig this cool new team of…err…Cuties! Teens love ’em.

…

Damn. This happens every time I try to gift away a Kellogg’s licensed cereal.

Yes, Kellogg’s latest shameless partnership is with Shopkins, tiny little squishy kawaii kitchen fixtures that are cute and apparently apple strawberry flavored. If the real toys are anywhere near as charmingly chewy as Polly Pocket accessories, I might invest higher hopes into the cereal version. Sure, Apple Strawberry is a largely unexplored avenue for cereal, and though I dream of one day pouring some of my favorite Capri-Sun flavor into a bowl of strawberry–kiwi-flavored cereal (suck it, Pacific Cooler), choosing apples in kiwis’ stead is nonetheless tasty.

That is, if Cutie O’s can pull it off. Most of Kellogg’s lazily looped licensed cereals have been disappointingly bland, so while I see promise in every cereal, Cutie O’s has its work cut out for it if it wants to break the curse of its thoughtlessly franchised forefathers.

Oh, and merry Christmas to everyone who follows, reads, or even just passively remembers that this blog exists. It’s been a year of great growth for the site and a time of constant change in my own life. I’ll be able to find more poignant words for the past year of cereal in an upcoming recap of the year’s best releases. But until then, consider this the start of a 24-hour purge of cereal crimes. Feel free to eat it with or without orange juice, in or from the bathtub—if that’s what floats your Cutie O’s.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Leave a comment

Dec. ’19

News: Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts Bites

Fact: Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts are inherently the most nostalgic to me.

Are they my favorites today? Not a chance. But they were the only ones my parents ever got, and the memories of eating them with my sister are unparalleled in their neurologic detail. In fact, it’s because of my mortal youthful sin of microwaving my Pop-Tarts for 15 seconds to cook them that today I feel a phantom guilt hugging my soul so tightly that I’ve become an ardent crusader for the true method of Pop-Tart preparation: freezing.

Such a technique likewise works wonders on Pop-Tarts Bites, which debuted right around this time last year in Brown Sugar Cinnamon and Strawberry. By bringing a thicker crust and more permeating frosted sweetness to portable breakfasts everywhere, these Bites are worthy successors of Pop-Tarts Mini Crisps and Go-Tarts.

So while it was such a no-brainer to bring chocolate into the mix—even if it took 365 days of face-palming obviousness—and while I have no-doubt these will be tasty enough to take permanent residence in my car’s glove box, I again hope Chocolate Fudge isn’t the Rise of Skywalker to an ending Bites-sized trilogy. If we’re gonna milk this pastry franchise for what it’s worth, I want Cookies & Creme, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and Wild Berry too—it’d practically be this series’ Baby Yoda!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: chocolate, kellogg's, non cereal, pop-tarts. 1 Comment

Dec. ’19

News: Upcoming Cereal Round-Up! (Special K, Reese’s Puffs, Honey Bunches & Cinnamon Toast Crunch)

♫ January, January: brings Dan no sanctuary. ♫

What? If no one else is going to start writing New Year’s carols, I might as well start drafting one to commemorate the first month of the year’s traditionally tumultuous tidal wave of new cereals. Don’t get me wrong, I’m geeked to see 2020’s freshest resolution-busters, but I will say that it’s a difficult time to both keep up and keep my fingers from burning down to the nubs from both friction and fructose.

Oh well: no strain, no whole grain. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, honey bunches, kellogg's, post, reese's puffs, special k, toast crunch. 2 Comments

Dec. ’19

News: Yoplait Trix & Cinnamon Toast Crunch Smoothies

Thought Trix Yogurt, the delightfully swirled nectar that is to Trix cereal as ultra-premium gasoline is to crude oil, was pretty much gone off shelves everywhere but spider-webbed school cafeteria giga-fridges? That would be a pretty silly thing to think, wouldn’t it. Very preposterous, even.

While you may have to get your LLL (lunch lady license) to order true Trix Yogurt in Olympic pool-sized volume, we solo spooners can at least skip the silverware and slug back a yogurty Trix smoothie. Yoplait is releasing this “Citrus Flavored Cultured Dairy Beverage” alongside a complementary Cinnamon Toast Crunch variety. So no matter where you drink this cereal ichor, you can tell your spouse, boss or defense attorney that “I couldn’t have possibly stolen cereal milk from a baby: I only drink cultured milk products!”

Works every time.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B6AGhYBhBdP/

So far, these smoothies have had sightings at H-E-B and Kroger, so check your local chain for a chance at filling a Cinnamon Toast Chalice with viscous beige splendor.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, non cereal, toast crunch, trix. 1 Comment

Dec. ’19

News: Pillsbury Lucky Charms Cookie Dough

C’mon, Doughboy, stop kneading around the bush and drop your own cereal already.

We get it, you got the Trix Rabbit to sign on for a strudel à deux, and you lent your brand to an admittedly cinna-mondo Fillows variety. Now you’ve stolen Lucky’s Charms—probably tucked ’em in your amorphous abdomen and giggled all the way to the bank, huh?—to make marbit-ized cookie dough. But when will you step up and front the Biscuit Bites Cereal I’ve been dreaming of for the past 100 words? Show Snap and Crackle who the real Poppin’ Fresh is!

But fine, if you want to stick with sticky sugar pucks, be my guest.

No, really. Be my guest for dinner tonight. I’ll do potato salad if you bring dessert.

Whether these Lucky Charms Cookies (12 big honkin’ ones, to be specific) will actually taste like its cereal forefather seems up for debate. Not only does the packaging simply call them “Sugar Cookie[s] with Marshmallows Bits,” but I’m still deeply shattered by the sheer audacity of Magically Delicious Lucky Charms Marshmallows, which were accurate to only one of those five words.

So will Lucky Charms Cookie Dough have golden oat undertones and the dense crackling sweetness of a cereal marshmallow? As these are hitting Walmart soon, I plan to find out without ever turning my oven on. You can pathetically ask me to “Please” not eat this stuff uncooked, Mr. D. Boy, but my momma always said that humans can have a little raw cookie dough as a treat.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, lucky charms, non cereal. Leave a comment

Dec. ’19

News: Jack in the Box Fruity Cereal Milk Donut Holes

The concept of doughnut holes will forever elude me. I mean, shouldn’t a serving of them just be empty? Can I return them, disgusted that I was served doughnut soil unearthed from the void that I paid for? Or should I just order a doughnut whole and buy a trowel?

Whatever, I need another bad fast food experience like I need a hole in my…uh…never mind.

The point is that Jack In The Box’s latest sweet treat takes their recently introduced doughnut holes from 🍩 to 100 (ce)real fast. Boasting a Not Fruity Pebbles—perhaps we should just call it Tooty Gravel? —coating so thick it’d make a packet of Fun Dip blush, these Fruity Cereal Milk Donut Holes are, well, Fruity Cereal Milk Donut Holes.

Unfortunately, I have no Jack In The Box locations near me, so until I can recruit a brunch of taste-testing helpers, I’ll have to live vicariously (and more freely vascular) through The Impulsive Buy’s review. After all, with an exterior sugar crust that looks like Funfetti-infused mold, what’s not to like?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Leave a comment