Author Archives: dan g.

News: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Creamy Cinnamon Spread

No, no, no: this is all backwards!

Ever since the likes of Nutella and Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter kicked off a brief “dessert spread” fad like a decade ago, I’ve yearned for those two spreads in particular to get their own breakfast cereals. And although there was a creamy hazelnut cereal released overseas, it seems my dream is no closer to actualization—especially now that General Mills is inversely turning a cereal into a spread, instead!

Launching this month, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Creamy Cinnamon Spread packs all the swirled cinnamon sugar goodness of those crazy squares into a slightly more viscous method of delivery. Much like CTC’s Cinnadust, I have no clue what I would use a whole jar of Creamy Cinnamon Spread for, but unlike the ‘dust, I would have no qualms about spooning this spread straight up (and quickly falling into a blissful cinna-tonic state).

Smoothies? Literal Cinnamon Toast Crunch toast? CTC&J sandwiches? Let me know in the comments what you would use this spread for.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon, general mills, non cereal, toast crunch. Leave a comment

Mar. ’22

Review: Crumbl Cereal Cookies!

Apologies for the in situ photos—wanted to taste them as close to received temperature as possible.

*Sighs*

*Chisels sedimentary crust from my eyes*

Alright, play the song.

Even though I’m still something-ing my way through my twenties, I’ve been making a lot of jokes lately about feeling old, especially the more I realize that today’s cereal game is far different than the one I grew up with. Whereas I had Chex Quest and Millsberry, today’s kids have color-changing cereal kicks and celebrities turned into cereal pieces that are also emojis. Cereal hasn’t gotten any more or less weird, mind you, just a different kind of weird.

And if there’s any cerebrally immersive church suitable for that newfangled high strangeness, it’s Crumbl Cookies.

As someone who’s not on TikTok (by deliberate design; I’d get nothing done), there are so many trends I just don’t know about. Ergo, the cult appeal of Crumbl Cookies has been totally lost on me this whole time. I just never knew it was a thing, let alone a thing with millions and millions of devoted fans who flock to Crumbl’s’s 300+ locations weekly to try the bakery’s new flavor rotations. In my head, the popular paradigm for buzzworthy desserts is still a serve-yourself froyo shoppe, which in reality is becoming an endangered species compared to Crumbl.

So there I am at my local Crumbl, wide-eyed, slack-jawed, and soul-awed, waiting in line behind a dozen people who are also waiting to try the brand’s four new cereal cookies—as another dozen employees scoop, roll, and bake the doughy discs in a pink-saturated open-concept kitchen. It’s all quite the spectacle—and reminds me of the bubblegum efficiency of Black Mirror’s Nosedive episode—even if I felt a little out of my element (I tend to have more of a salty than a sweet tooth, believe it or not, so I’m less apt to go out for treats and instead just have a bowl of cereal at home). I also admittedly received a voucher from Crumbl to review these cookies, so it was especially funny to see the cashier’s reaction to my coupon redemption, her seeming to think I was a hip TikTok influencer instead of a crusty millennial cereal blogger.

But that’s enough about the setting, let’s talk about the eating.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: non cereal. Leave a comment

Mar. ’22

Review: Boston Creme Donut Pop-Tarts

Milk Chocolate Graham

Choco Graham Pop-Tarts

Milkchocolategraham Poptart Wheretofind

Why’d they stop making MCG PTs

Bring Back Milk Chocolate Graham Pop-Tarts

Ope, sorry, I thought this was Google for a second. You see, it’s been eight years since Pop-Tarts, for their 50th brand-iversary, brought retro flavor Milk Chocolate Graham back to shelves (it’s original release date is unclear, but way before I was born), and I still haven’t gotten over it. The little things were pretty unassuming and didn’t yield many rave reviews, but I adored them for their graham forwardness and the way they eschewed the fluffy filler of S’Mores Pop-Tarts to focus on that campfire treat’s real most defining components.

To this day, Milk Chocolate Graham is my favorite Pop-Tarts flavor ever, and chocolate Pop-Tarts in general are my favorite toaster pastry genre, so whenever a new Choco-Tart drops, I muster a few feeble prayers in hope that the new kid on the fudgy block will live up to the precedent set by the likes of Chocolate Fudge, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and yes, Milk Chocolate Graham.

Boston Creme Donut Pop-Tarts are the latest such Tart in the Brotherhood of Sweet, Sweet Brown—the first new chocolate Pop-Tart flavor, in fact, since 2020’s phenomenal Chocolatey Churro. But are these BCD Pop-Tarts an answer to my prayers, or the cruel curling of a monkey paw’s middle finger? There’s only one way to find out, and it involves wiggling my own fingers whimsically with a “don’t mind if I do” muttered in my empty kitchen. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: chocolate, kellogg's, non cereal, pop-tarts. 5 Comments

Mar. ’22

National Cereal Day News Round-Up!

Y’know that scene in The Office where a quietly approaching Angela startles the $#!+ out of Dwight?

Yeah, that’s basically me and National Cereal Day. Every year, without fail, I forget it’s coming until the last minute—I mean, whose bright idea was it to put the holiday on a date as unassuming as March 7th?

That’s a purely rhetorical question, mind you, because National Cereal Day is historically a holiday with frustratingly nebulous origins. I’ve researched a number of obscure retro cereal topics, but no such searches have been at fruitless as my attempts to find out when, why, and through whom 3/7 was crunchfully commemorated. Rather, it’s always just seemed like an annual excuse for every cereal’s social media accounts to pop off with like….another picture of their cereal.

In short, National Cereal Day is like the overly commercialized Valentine’s Day of notable cereal dates (for me, the Christmas is the variable June date of the Battle Creek Cereal City Festival, which is finally returning this year!).

Therefore I rarely do any grand posts or gestures, instead celebrating privately with a big bowl of The Best Stuff (Trader Joe’s Raisin Bran Clusters with lactose-free milk). I’d also like to take this chance to catch you up on a bunch of new cereal news tidbits that’re both too tiddy and too bitty to warrant their own blog posts. It’s the seventh of March, so let’s do it up right with seven bite-sized blurbs—my own little offerings to National Cereal Day. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: national cereal day. 1 Comment

Feb. ’22

News: LeBron & Nike’s Magic Fruity Pebbles

How ironic: this cereal news has turned my brain into scrambled eggs.

Seriously, I thought General Mills’ recent Cinnamoji Toast Crunch news was so steeped in modern cultural lingo and touchstones that it could be a cognitohazard weaponized by time travelers, but if you showed Pebbles’ latest launch to, say, a Bedrock-era caveman, you’d be more likely to kickstart an esoteric new religion.

But let me try to explain it anyway. Apparently, LeBron James has loved Pebbles cereal since he was a kid, so he’s teamed up with Post and Nike for a new color variant of not-so-new Magic Fruity Pebbles (which taste just like normal Fruity Pebbles, by the way). This cereal includes a coupon for 20% off any one item on Nike.com, as well as a chance to win the star of the promo: a pair of Nike’s LeBron James 19 Low Magic Fruity PEBBLES™ sneakers.

These sneakers are where the real high strangeness kicks off. Not only do they have an image of the red & yellow Magic Pebbles textured onto them, but the shoes, like the cereal, also have a special color-changing technology that I’ll just let the PR folks explain:

“The real magic is the new 19 Low’s Photochromic DCS Technology where the shoe’s airbag uses the power of the sun’s UV light to transition a completely clear Air unit to a purple colorway. This first-time collaboration between Fruity PEBBLES x LeBron means fans everywhere can unlock two colorways, both on and off the court.”

Ope, now I think my scrambled brain’s been burnt into the cast iron pan that is my skull.

Whether or not it’s capable for mere human minds to fully grasp the breadth of this promo, I have to admit the shoes are pretty cool. I’m no baller—not basket, base, or foot, at least. Maybe goof.—but I’d love to wear a pair to like, the grocery store, so I can further cement my status as the most uneasily eager weirdo in the cereal aisle.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: pebbles, post. 1 Comment

Feb. ’22

Review: Pebbles Shake-Ups!

What qualifies as a successfully transformative “Shake Up” (let alone one with an exclamation point at the end) in the cereal world? Is it enough to simply “shake together” a bunch of existing cereal bits, or do you need to “shake in” something entirely new? Well we’re about to find out, because Pebbles’ new pair of pieced-together pouches represent both ends of that continuum, and I’m here to be the supreme arbiter—the Lady Justice holding the bowl-shaped scales, if you will—of just how good they really are.

So let’s do this, Post: shake up my stomach like a wedding-day bottle of champagne! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: birthday cake, chocolate, honeycomb, pebbles, post, waffle crisp. Leave a comment

Feb. ’22

News: Sonic the Hedgehog Cereal

Finally, finally: a licensed cereal willing to do at least the very bare minimum to relevantly connect its composition to the property it’s promoting. I mean, a Sonic the Hedgehog cereal…shaped like golden rings! Not since Buddy the Elf’s syrup-slathered slop have we seen such a ~~thoughtful~~ not entirely thoughtless movie cereal.

Sure, a cereal based on the Blue Blur could’ve gone for a slightly more inspired flavor—blue raspberry and cherry Sonic Popsicle flavored clusters, anyone?—but at least honey-flavored rings are better than some bland birthday cake or vapid vanilla. And sure, the marbits could be shaped a little more lovingly—the green Chaos Emeralds I get, while the blue ones “representing Sonic swirling around” are a little iffy—but I’m ready to call this upcoming release a red-sneakered step in the right direction (and hopefully the Genesis of a new, tastier era for movie cereals).

Interestingly, this isn’t Sonic’s first foray into the breakfast aisle. From appearing on Honey Nut Cheerios boxes alongside Buzz the Bee to getting a FunkOs variant, an odd Golden Rings promo seemingly sent only to journalists, and…whatever this one is, Sonic is well travelled at the breakfast table, but this is his first time headlining a mainstream supermarket cereal.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 will hit theaters this April 8th, while Sonic the Hedgehog Cereal will hit stores in March.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, movie cereals, news. 6 Comments

Feb. ’22

Review: Eggo Maple Waffle Pop-Tarts & Apple Fritter Pop-Tarts

Edible trading cards.

That’s what I’ve been calling Pop-Tarts for years, and it only feels more accurate the wackier these little pastries get. I mean, think about it: foil wrapping, colorfully zany designs, printed fun, mysteries, and different attack formations (plain, toasted, frozen).

What, you’re telling me you’ve never crammed your Blue-Eyes White Dragon in the toaster? No wonder you’ve lost touch with the ~~Heart~~ Tart of the Cards.

Anyway, Kellogg’s latest P-T booster pack boasts some heavy hitters: Eggo Frosted Maple, Apple Fritter, and Boston Creme Donut (which I was tragically unable to track down). Let’s let these first two duel it out on the battlefield of my palate, and see who ends up with more life points (spoiler alert, but after eating this many Pop-Tarts, it certainly won’t be me). Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: apple, kellogg's, maple, pop-tarts. 2 Comments