Author Archives: dan g.

Review: 3 Japanese Cereals! (Brown Rice Roasted Tea Flakes, Donut Mart & Nissin Bread)

Japanese Cereals Review - Packaging

For being the obvious cereal obsessor that I am, my tongue is pretty poorly travelled. As much as I’d love to keep up with each continent’s new and exciting cereals—you should see the kriller stuff those penguins are spooning out—it’s hard enough to follow American cereal discourse without drowning in a review backlog of brightly colored bags (that feel more like bricks).

Sure, I’ve dabbled here and there, but there are always other international oddities that slip under my radar. Luckily, I can now put a few more stamps in my cereal passport, thanks to Empty Bowl listener Nina B. in Okayama, Japan. Because of her kindness as a penPAL, I can now expand my region-locked palate.

And for being just three ambassadors to a whole country’s crunch culture, these Japanese cereals form an inspiring continuum of flavors. We have a never-before-tasted idea like tea cereal, a charming reinterpretation of a round bakery classic, and a bread cereal that’s aptly the polar opposite of America’s resident loaflets.

Without further ado, let’s let the Land of the Rising Sun illuminate this microcosmic balanced breakfast. Continue reading

Review: Honey Nut Cheerios Treats (2020)

General Mills New Honey Nut Cheerios Treats Cereal Bars Review Box

Why waste time eating many small things when one big thing does the trick?

Such is the philosophy that has plagued cereal sales for the past decade—and for understandable reasons: breakfast as a temporally restricted concept is not what it used to be. For me, entering a workday with belly bloated rarely sounds appealing, especially since I’ve optimized my morning routine to essentially get me from bed to door in thoughtless, uninterruptible, and Rube-Goldbergian fashion. And clearly I’m not alone, as cereal companies have scrambled like diner eggs to adapt classic flavors for on-the-go breakfasting, while rebranding cereal itself as the midnight snack it was always destined to be.

But while concepts like breakfast shakes and mobile cereal receptacles are comparatively recent innovations, the world of cereal bars has largely eschewed architectural change, in favor of the tried and true “cereal bits bound by sweet-cream glue and shaped into crude rectangles” approach. Though I will say that in the case of General Mills bars, like these *new* Honey Nut Cheerios Treats, they’ve been getting smaller and lighter when compared to certain sugary bricks of yore (that can still apparently be bought, albeit only in cafeteria-friendly quantities).

I deeply enjoyed those aforementioned Honey Nut Cheerios “Milk ‘n Cereal Bars”—even if the freeze-dried milk sandwiched in the middle could practically be repurposed as sticky tack—so I’m interested to see how 2020’s slimmed-down take on America’s favorite cereal compares. Continue reading

Review: Aunt Jemima & Cap’n Crunch’s Berrytastic Pancake Mix with Ocean Blue Syrup

New Aunt Jemima Cap'n Crunch Pancake Mix Review Berrytastic Box

So, I have this tradition. Every March 6th, without fail, just before my temple greets its parish of pillows, I will jolt awake with childlike wonder and adultlike anxiety, having suddenly remembered that National Cereal Day is on March 7th, and I’ve totally forgotten to draft up meaningful content.

Cut to me, scraggled by crummy overhead lighting and disheveled as the pantry shelves I’m whipping through like a lethargic whirlwind. I mean, can you blame me? Sure, I’ve got cereal on my mind a lot, but National Cereal Day has long been an annual anomaly that exists without discernible reason nor rhyme, just an arbitrarily selected and sweetened day from the never-ending passage of time.

I’m sure that’s just my brain complaining though, as it desperately wishes to get back to its dreams of supermodels eating soups or salads or whatever else my nefarious noggin gets into when I’m severed from it by sleep. After all, what better way to celebrate everyone’s favorite morning munchie than by groggily griddling up the stuff by the battered scoopful at 2am?

Though it may not be a proper cereal, Cap’n Crunch and Aunt Jemima’s historic new partnership is practically begging for National Cereal Day’s spotlight. Why? Well, not because it’s good, but because it’s so stupid, it’s great.

Continue reading

Review: Magic Fruity Pebbles (Turns Milk Blue!)

New Magic Fruity Pebbles Review - Cereal Box

Blue.

Like it or not, it’s already clear that blue may very well be the defining color of 2020. I mean, we’re *only* 1/6th of the way through the year, and we’ve already seen:

a) Pantone [bafflingly] name “Classic Blue” as their color of the year,

b) Cap’n Crunch drip liquefied Na’vi slime onto our pancakes,

c) Cereal blogger Dan G. succumb and be reborn by the Midwest winter blues, and

d) I’ve tried to scream the idea of La Croix kegs into existence until I’m blue in the face. La Craigs, people!!

Now, Fred and Barney are bringing a touch of Brontosaurian blue to modern breakfasts, too, with Magic Fruity Pebbles—a cereal that sells itself on the concept of turning milk blue, which is admittedly so not-innovative by this point that it feels anachronistically appropriate for this prehistoric pair.

But are these pinkened Pebbles’ gimmick still worth gulping down? I’m willing to die my intestines a peculiar shade of azure in order to answer that. Continue reading

Spooned & Spotted: Cereal & Pancakes! (IHOP & Cap’n Crunch)

New IHOP Cereal Pancakes (Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch)

(UPDATED MARCH 2: IHOP is adding frequent Lucky Charms co-collaborator Cinnamon Toast Crunch to their cereal pancake ensemble, and Cap’n Crunch too!)

Finally. Validation.

For too long, I’ve been playfully chided by friends, frenemies and sea anemones alike for my admittedly uncommon habit of drizzling maple syrup on just about every cereal out there—just to see if it’s good! And it almost always is! But now? IHOP is giving me implicit permission to go full hog on a stack of cereal pancakes, amber lagoon and all.

What’s that? There’s no mention of syrup in this ad for IHOP’s new Cereal Pancakes? Well, there’s (strangely) no explicit brand mention of Lucky Charms either, so forgive me for wanting what is already no-doubt a brain-buzzer of sugary madness to slide down my gullet a bit easier.

IHOP Cap'n Crunch Pancakes

Sure the Lucky Charms (Fruity Lucky Charms, specifically) pieces are exciting, but what’s got me geeked here is the “CREAMY CEREAL MILK MOUSSE” drizzled about with ersatz artistry. No clue exactly what it’ll taste like, but if I’m already taking creative liberties with these panned cakes, I might as well scrape off all the mousse, replace it with syrup, and take it home to eat with a bowl of Eggo Cereal.

Because no disrespect to IHOP, but only one ounce of awesomeness? I can do better. Continue reading

Review: Rice Krispies Treats Caramel Snap Crackle Poppers

New Caramel Snap Crackle Poppers Review - Rice Krispies Treats - Box

Cereal is for squares.

No, really. Though of course all food is three-dimensional, especially the well-rounded corn puff, but when it comes to crunchy quadrilaterals, we get a lot of squarish, rectangular, and pillowy things, yet never any perfectionist-pleasing union of six squares. Hence why cereal scholars have been asking for decades: when will breakfast enter its cubist period?

Following their controversial performance piece “The Bastardization of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal,” A.M. auteurs Snap, Crackle and Pop are back with a freshly caramelized coat of paint on last year’s Snap Crackle Poppers. So while I loathe what’s become of RKTC with every snap and crackle of my boiling blood, this line of miniaturized and glazed Treats is actually pretty good—especially the Cookies ‘n’ Creme ones.

It’s surely only a matter of time before Kellogg’s piggybacks off this geometric success to release Raisin Bran bites in the shape of Metatron’s Cube. But in the mean time, let’s see how the Rice Krispies boys’ latest inherently stackable snack stacks up to its predecessors. Continue reading

News: Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa with Lucky Charms Marshmallows

Swiss Miss Lucky Charms Hot Cocoa Mix Marshmallows

Ever wonder what one of those iridescent parking lot oil slicks would taste like? Well now you won’t have to risk braincells nor brawn to find out, because once these Lucky Charms marshmallows melt into your Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa, I have to imagine the resulting soup will call to mind muddy puddles, dirt pies, and watercolor mixers.

But will Swiss Miss with Lucky Charms Marshmallows still taste good? Almost certainly, because there’s really nothing Lucky Charms branded marshmallows will add to this Nesquikish stew that mini marshmallows haven’t already been doing for centuries.

Nevertheless, expect these hot mixes to hit shelves any day now—if nothing else, I can guarantee they’ll taste better than the kind of cocoa my kid self made by microwaving chocolate milk.

Review: Kellogg’s Froot Loops Pop-Tarts

Kellogg's New Froot Loops Pop-Tarts Review - Box

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards breakfast to be born?

Seriously: if you showed me the above product 30 years ago, my dad would be putting a fist in your soon-to-be-twinkling eye. But seriously Cerealously: I’ve become so accustomed to the notion of Pop-Tarts as a cereal that I hardly stopped to consider the infinite opportunity within its inverse.

Now, Froot Loops probably wouldn’t be my first choice for a co-branded Kellogg’s Crunch-Tart. I would’ve picked Raisin Bran or Cocoa Krispies, if only so they could be called Snap, Crackle Pop-Tarts. But nevertheless, this sort of fusion you’d think would be forbidden by church and state alike has come to my bruncheon nook

Churning and churning in my widening stomach
The Toucan cannot hear the toaster;
Crust falls apart, the filling cannot hold;
Iced anarchy is Looped upon my bowl. Continue reading