Author Archives: dan g.

News: Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats

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Help me settle an argument real quick: what’s better, cereal-flavored things or thing-flavored cereal? Though this site was founded on the latter, as time goes on I find myself drawn to obscure cereal infusions outside the breakfast aisle. See, even in the best case scenario, any hypothetical Kit-Kat cereal would be good, but it can only be so good as a grain-based milk intermingler.  No one expects cereal to taste as decadent as a candy bar, so what should we expect from Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats? The entire tongue-popping essence of a full box of Froot Loops, refined and folded into an intimidating Kit-Katana?

It’s hard to say—especially without knowing whether the supposed Froot Loopiness is present in the chocolate or just the wafered innards—but we’ll have a good amount of time to speculate. As junkfoodleaks_ mentions in the above, well, junk food leak, these are due out around a year from now.

What other cereals might make a good candy bar? And vice-versa? If Kellogg’s makes a Kit-Kat Cereal and Kit-Kat then makes a Kit-Kat Cereal Kit-Kat, will that Kit-Kat feel remorseful for stuffing itself with its recycled kin? Such questions may haunt us for years after the next.

News: KIND Cereal Comes to Walmart in Four Flavors

KIND Cereal Cranberry Almond Box

Am I excited for KIND Cereal? Well, kind of.

Sure, creative new cereal ideas are always welcome, but at the $6.98 price point KIND and Walmart are asking per box, these suckers better include a pouch of truffle oil as the prize inside. Not to mention how, after reviewing 9 similarly concepted Cerealology cereals with exciting ingredients like matcha and figs, it’s hard for me super excited about four more (comparatively tame) super grain cereals. Continue reading

Spooned & Spotted: Froot Loops Ice Pops

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Forget that meme about everything being cake—real experts of goofy geology know that using a hot spork to go one layer deeper reveals that everything, from your memoirs to your boudoir, is really made of Froot Loop. 

Your doughnuts? Froot Loops.
Your ice cream? That’s Froot Loops.
Those heirloom Peeps Pops you hold so dear? Live, laugh, Loop.

As Kellogg’s has apparently perfected the alchemy required to infuse Froot Loopian essence into any state of matter, the unexpected debut of Froot Loops Ice Pops felt less like a surprise and more like an, “I guess.”  Instagram food-finder i_need_a_snack_ spotted these technicolored treats at Dollar General, and in true Froot Loops form, the Pops come in a whole rainbow of identical flavors. A little disappointing, especially now that we know what a leveled-up Froot Loops can do when it expands its fruitful loom, but maybe we can hope for a Froot Loops Ice Pop DLC update in the near future.

But hey, I guess if these don’t work out in popsicle’d form, I could always let them melt into a HydroFlask.

Review: H-E-B Cerealology (x9!)

H-E-B Cerealology Review - Boxes

If you thought the name “Cerealously” was a real mouthful—which should really be the site’s official slogan—well there’s a new toothsome, tongue-twisting portmanteau in town. That is, if your town falls anywhere in the Lone Star State.

While they may not be entirely new, H-E-B’s distinct and diverse line of “Cerealology” chef-inspired cereals/granolas are certainly new to me. With huge thanks to Empty Bowl listener Douglas, who not only sent me all of the above cereals but a box of Lactaid for my lactose-hating stomach as well, I can now try H-E-B’s whole crunch-ography for myself. And with a whole bunch of exciting names, with innovative mix-ins never before seen in cereal history, this geologically vast study of Cerealology is sure to turn up at least a few lovingly pressurized gems.

Since I’ve got enough cereal here to feed a lecture hall of hangry biology students, I’m going to try to be succinct when reviewing each Cerealology flavor. So grab your milk-colored lab coats and a microscopic spoon, because we’re about to be munching and mulling at a molecular level. Continue reading

News: Minecraft Creeper Crunch Cereal

Minecraft Creeper Crunch Cereal

Forgive my lateness again—I first tweeted about Minecraft Cereal the moment I learned of it, but forgot to make a proper blog post for all my no-doubt countless Minecraft-loving blog readers. And my masochistic readers, too.

See, Kellogg’s upcoming Creeper Crunch cereal is in fact just a cinnamon-dusted version of the same base cereal we’ve seen countless times already in licensed products—even as recently as earlier this summer. Multigrain squares—which are, granted, better than corn puffs—and a splash of marbits—which in this case are, granted, uniquely cubic—makes for a cereal that’s acceptably adequate, but probably not worth investing in a Family Sized box unless you have 3 young Minecraft super fans creeping around your house (named Steve, Stephan, and Nick, who we call Stevie).

Expect Minecraft Creeper Crunch to hit stores soon, but don’t expect me to hit the ground holding my W key. While I have casually played and enjoyed Minecraft, the box’s boasted appeal of a free character outfit isn’t enough to pique the interest of the ivory pickaxes I call teeth. Call me when they add Fred Chexter armor.

Empty Bowl Catch-Up: Episodes 33–35

Forgive me again: time moves strangely in The Bowl. The thirty or so Earth minutes Justin and I spend recording each episode of our meditative cereal podcast requires a six-week spiritual pilgrimage, an astral projection light years away onto a planet made entirely of milky tides and cereal dust archipelagos. It is here, and only here, that true breakfast bliss can be channeled into our world through a microphone-equipped conduit.

And that’s  I once again forgot to do a dedicated post for the previous two Empty Bowl Episodes, so I humbly introduce them here alongside our newest episode: Thirty-Five.

New to the show? It’s okay if you skipped syllabus day: the only supply you need is relaxation in great supply. Allow us to share with you the joyous American introduction of Tropical Froot Loops, the new holy reign of Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal, and the belated ascent of Chaka the Chex.

Want to spend a little more time gazing with us at the planet Bowltide’s ample Aurora Cerealis? We’ve got plenty more interstellar sojourns at our Anchor hub, including Thirty-Three and Thirty-Four. You can also follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one supplies lumens to our displaced cosmic holograms.

Review: Minions Vanilla Vibe Cereal

New Minions Vanilla Vibe Cereal Review - Box

(I cropped this one tall solely so you could see Benny’s head)

Do not read this review in the Alps.

Do not read this review while hunting or fishing.

And certainly do not read this review with any sleeping children in the house, because the seismic sigh I’m about to release could make avalanches, ripples, and crybaby dribbles:

*SIGH*

There, that feels better. Hopefully your pets haven’t been spooked and you weren’t in range of my sugar corn-scented breath—that stuff’s Gru-some. Heh, see what I did there? Just a little Despicable humor from Me.

Please laugh with me. I need something positive to come out of this review. I’m going to keep it quick, because Minions Vanilla Vibe is just an awful, terrible cereal. And no, I’m not saying that in the classic dad joke sense of “oh, these taste horrible! I’ll get rid of ’em for you.” No, Minions Vanilla Vibe cereal—pardon my crudeness here—sucks. From both a flavorful and ideological point of view. Allow me to (briefly) elaborate: Continue reading

Review: Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal

New Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal Review Box

This is a momentous review. The kind of review that deserves a content warning: this article contains atomically divisive statements, polarizing particles capable of sparking a potential second Cereal Civil War—we all remember the seismic defeat of Quake by Quisp in the Great Quaker Quarrel of ’71. Anyway, if you made it through that sentence, I figure you’re ready to weather my scalding hot take:

Post’s Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal is better than Cinnamon Toast Crunch. In fact, it’s not even close—it’s a bona fide cinnamon slobber-knocker. For with one sweet and sweeping swing of its ingredients list, Honey Maid Graham Cereal simply bests CTC at a foundational level, rendering it undeserving of further comparison.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is one of the most popular cereals of all time. That’s why I’m ready to accept the zinger slings and meme arrows of many doubtful Cinnamon Toast Crunchers. But I advise you, before saying more, to try a box of Honey Maid Cinnamon Graham Cereal for yourself and decide. You may not agree, but I doubt you’ll be disappointed you tried. Anyway, on to the real meat of this graham-burger beefcake of a new cereal.

Continue reading