Author Archives: dan g.

News: Cap’n Crunch’s Birthday Crunch

Dang, Cap’n: you look good for 60!

Wait, actually, this is probably the first time you’ve actually looked your age, like, ever. You’re telling me you were rocking that same ivory ‘stache from K–12? Must’ve made the chocolate milk cartons a nightmare.

Anyway, everyone’s favorite seafaring cereal mascot will soon be celebrating the 60th anniversary of the original Cap’n Crunch cereal’s 1963 debut with this colorful Birthday Crunch. And even though I infamously loathe birthday cake-flavored cereals, what with their historic lack of substantial taste and all, it’s hard to stay mad at ol’ H. M. Crunch when this box looks like a ’90s Taco Bell.

Since 60 years would suggest a 2023 debut, you won’t be able to find this Crunch on shelves just yet, but it’s already up on Walmart.com, so it’s only a matter of time before you can have the Cap’n’s cake and eat it, too.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: birthday cake, cap'n crunch, news, quaker. 1 Comment

Nov. ’22

Review: Elf on the Shelf North Pole Snow Creme Cereal

Ah, now that Thanksgiving—with all its bountiful feasts, plentiful horns, and wishful bones—is over, it’s time to dive into the holiday season with everyone’s favorite yuletide tradition.

Which one, you ask? Decorating the tree? Crudely icing gingerbread cookies to look like your most cannibalizable loved ones? Or perhaps foisting reindeer antlers on your soon-to-be ho-ho-homicidal cat?

Oh, no, we’re talking about the most treasured, timeless Christmas rite of all: hiding a wretched little uncanny creature around your home who will proverbially invade your privacy with its eerie omnipresence!

Seriously though, does anyone actually like The Elf on the Shelf? I certainly haven’t met anyone who does. I’m convinced the whole thing’s a psyop by The Elf itself, who’s collected enough damning nocturnal footage through its prying (beady, sinister, soulless) eyes to blackmail the global marketing elite into helping its species reproduce.

And reproduce it has. Somehow, 2022’s new North Pole Snow Creme is the fourth EotS cereal to hit shelves (and stay there, unsold). Between the earlier Sugar Cookie one, the Peppermint one, and the Hot Cocoa one, the quality of this Elf’s oeuvre runs the gamut from awful to alright at best, so I’m not going into this new one with high hopes. Let’s just hope that if I give him another bad review, The Elf won’t pour glue in my 2%.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: holiday, kellogg's. 1 Comment

Nov. ’22

News: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Stuffed Puffs Marshmallows

S’more…s’more never changes…

Well, that is, until now. Stuffed Puffs is a small company looking to shake up the way you snack, toast, and play Chubby Bunny with marshmallows, via their signature process of cramming stuff into the center of the squishy little niblets.

And now via a coveted collab with General Mills, these indie darling ‘mallows are taking mainstream munching by storm. Coming exclusively to Walmart (no word when yet, besides the ambiguous soon), Cinnamon Toast Crunch “Big Bites” stuffed marshmallows are filled with CTC-flavored creme and then further flavor-blasted with Cinnadust.

How do you feel about this upcoming crispy, chewy, creamy confection? Would they be perfect for a Nutella graham s’more, or are they perhaps a bit too niche to get enough use?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon, general mills, non cereal, toast crunch. 2 Comments

Nov. ’22

Review: Avatar x Kellogg’s Pandora Frosted Flakes

Wow, I can’t believe we’re finally getting a cereal flavored like my favorite regional Midwest ice cre—wait, what? You’re telling me the “Blue Moons” in these ~~Frosted~~ Pandora Flakes have nothing to do with the sorcerously ambiguous berry-marshmallow nectar of my youth?

Yeugh. Well fine, I’ll still give this Avatar: The Way of Water / Kellogg’s collab the time of day (2:05p.m. EST, to be specific), but only because I love this new trend of letting Tony the Tiger flex his cinematic bravado instead of putting any actual movie characters on the box. You can just tell he’s begging to be roped into somebody’s movie multiverse.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: blueberry, kellogg's, movie cereals. 3 Comments

Nov. ’22

News: General Mills’ 2023 New Cereal Lineup

Ugh, every year they just keep moving it up, huh? I mean, the squirrel-munched remnants of Halloween are only just starting to mushify on our nation’s porches, yet their noble decomposition is already being overshadowed by all this jolly merriment. It’s really the ultimate disrespect to Thanksgiving, if you ask me, to see its stuffing of legends snubbed in favor of the feasting to come.

The break-feasting, that is.

Oh, sorry, did you think I was talking about the Christmas creep? Oh (ho ho), no: I’m referring to a different phenomenon I’m dubbing the Cereal…uh, squirm? See, January is the hottest month of the year for new cereal news, and usually the industry’s big-name breakfasters at least wait until late November to tease their New Year’s Resolution busters. But it seems General Mills just couldn’t wait to spill the beans, oats, and marbits, because their January lineup was announced just today. In fact, you might even be able to find them in the nebulously unnamed “select stores” this very month.

And folks, this munchable menagerie’s a good’n. Let’s take a look (long before we can take a bite). Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, news. 20 Comments

Oct. ’22

Review: Franken Berry and Boo Berry Yoplait Yogurts

Oh, Trix Yogurt, how I’ve missed you.

Not in a “physical scarcity” sense, mind you. Trix Yogurt took a 5 year hiatus from shelves around 2016, so yes, for a while, that nostalgic itch was impossible to scratch (unless you were a lunchlady, because you could still order the stuff from General Mills’ foodservice catalogue). But even since Trix Yogurt made its triumphant return in the spring of 2021, I still haven’t bought any. I guess I just unconsciously consigned it to the museum of memory: a glimmering pastel relic of a treasured past whose shine I dare not spoil by revisiting it with an adult’s jaded taste buds. Much like Oreo Cakesters, which I also haven’t eaten since their re-continuation, I simply doubted I could go on living if my favorite childhood yogurt wasn’t as good as I remembered.

But with the launch of these new Franken Berry and Boo Berry Yogurts from Yoplait, I finally have an impossible-to-ignore reason to try these two-toned treats again. See, when Trix Yogurt returned last year, they came back in “Strawberry” and “Berry” flavors, making it pretty clear that “Screamin’ Strawberry” and “Boo Blueberry” are just the Trix Rabbit’s cultured progeny wearing Monster Cereal masks.

That may be a little lazy, but I’ll never blame General Mills for expanding the Monsters’ reach beyond the cereal aisle, whether that’s in the form of cookies, Fruit Roll-Ups, or otherwise. Long live the Count & Co.! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: boo berry, franken berry, general mills, monster cereals, non cereal. 1 Comment

Oct. ’22

Review: Kellogg’s Little Debbie Nutty Buddy Cereal

You ever try to turn a great idea you’ve had into a real drawing, only for it to fall flat? Or maybe you’ve tried telling someone about a vivid dream, only for the magic to get lost in translation? Or heck, maybe you’ve simply seen any live-action adaptation of an animated series?

What I’m saying is, that’s basically how I feel about cerealized versions of existing desserts. Given the breakfast medium’s inherent constraints on acceptable delectability (though some really push the limits), we’re just never going to get a cereal that’s as dense, fudgy, ooey nor gooey as its namesake cake, pie, or cookie. And I think people understand that, but it’s nevertheless a little disappointing when something like Kellogg’s Cosmic Brownies Cereal comes out, and it tastes nothing like the raw euphoric indulgence we’ve come to expect from Deb the Dextrose Temptress.

On the other hand, sometimes you get the likes of Kellogg’s Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal, and while it may still be a far cry from the real thing, the cereal at least takes its own creative spin on the source material and manages to be pleasant enough in its own right.

So with Kellogg’s third attempt at breakfastifying a classic convenience store snarf-em-up, it’s hard to know what to expect from Nutty Buddy Cereal. Guess I’ll have to just shut up, nut up, and fess up. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: chocolate, kellogg's, peanut butter. 9 Comments

Sep. ’22

Review: Pillsbury Monster Cereal Shape Cookies – Count Chocula & Franken Berry!

I’ll just say it: Count Chocula and Franken Berry don’t understand Halloween. Fun-sized Snickers and whimsical apple-Roberting aside, the holiday is supposed to be scary: slashers, head bashers, teeth gnashers and all that heebie-jeebie jazz.

Yet this toothsome twosome is hawking us Pillsbury shaped sugar cookie dough that’s safe to eat raw? Where’s the danger? The thrill? Risking salmonella is half the fun—I mean, at least throw a couple loose jagged metal shavings into the mix, keep it interesting. Some eccentric bug larvae, or mutagenic research chemicals, maybe.

Oh well, I guess I’ll have to manufacture my own danger by eating these aw shucks sugar pucks fresh out of the oven, while they’re still monstrously molten. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: count chocula, franken berry, general mills, monster cereals, non cereals. Leave a comment