Author Archives: dan g.

Review: Froot Loops Candy Canes

New Froot Loops Candy Canes Review

Does anyone actually love candy canes? I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re irreplaceable symbols of the season, and they’re often tasty—especially the fruity ones. But is the humble candy cane anyone’s honest-to-goodness’-sake favorite wintertide treat? Growing up, I never sought candy canes out and really just got them from parades or school events. As a rough and tumble lad in East Michigan farm country, I was far too clumsy to keep said candy canes in my pocket without somehow shattering the brittle shepherd’s crooks into a million pieces. At that point, I’d rather have Pop Rocks.

Like I said, I prefer fruity to mint, so new Froot Loops Candy Canes start off on a more sympathetic foot compared to the cereal aisle’s first proper peppermint cereal. Both these candy canes and that new Elf on the Shelf cereal are hitting stores now. While I’ve yet to track down that wily sprite, I’m more than ready to see whether Toucan Sam’s sugared canes suck in the good or bad sense of the word. Continue reading

News: Monster Mash Cereal (Frute Brute & Yummy Mummy Return for 2021?)

2021 Monster Mash Cereal Frute Brute Yummy Mummy

Alright nobody panic!!

I say, as I shotgun a half-gal of 2% and punch Boo Berry-shaped holes in my drywall. But really: Monster Mash Cereal could prove to be the biggest cereal headline since General Mills first revived Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy for one year in 2013.

To quickly summarize the wholly grainy image above’s significance, General Mills’ seasonal Monster Cereals, which appear each Halloween season, are nostalgic cultural touchstones for cereal lovers the world over. While Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry are regular spooky shelf fixtures, cherry-flavored Frute Brute and orange-flavored Yummy Mummy were discontinued in the ’80s and ’90s respectively, having only returned once in 2013—though recent Monster box art loves to make nods to them.

Brute and Mummy or not, the expectation is usually that General Mills will do something different for the Monster Cereals each year, whether that’s mixing up the marshmallow shapes or bringing in guest artists to do the boxes. Sadly, in recent years a malignant malaise has surrounded the cereals, which keep recycling the same box art and continuing to use controversial corn ingredients instead of the oat flour that made 20th century Monster Cereals so memorable.

However, for once, we’re entering a new year with a monstrous helping of hope. Thanks to Michigan Ghostbusters, who first shared the below image, we now know that some sort of 5-in-1 “Monster Mash” cereal is planned for next autumn. This isn’t 100% surprising—I sort of predicted that 2021 could mean something special, since it’s the 50th anniversary of Count Chocula and Franken Berry’s 1971 debut.

Continue reading

Review: Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal

Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal Review Box

Who is the world’s most prolific artist? Paul McCartney? Phish? Viper?

Wrong.

It’s the Dame Diminutive Deborah, better known as Little Debbie. Not counting seasonal specialties like Christmas Tree Brownies, Football Brownies, Easter Egg Brownies and every other merrily malformed hunk of brownie batter, Little Debbie currently produces 47 different snacks. I’d guess the average person could only name a handful—the likes of Zebra Cakes, Star Crunch, Swiss Rolls and Cosmic Brownies—while grease-loving gas station regulars (picture me raising my own slick mitts as identification) could probably tell you about deeper cuts like Donut Sticks, Fudge Rounds, and Pecan Spinwheels.

Despite this sprawling cake-ography, when it came time for Kellogg’s and Little Debbie to drop a cereal, there was likely no doubt about which bite would join the breakfast bowl. None of the snacks I’ve listed even come close to the sugar-sandwiched icon that is the Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie. And I’m not just saying that because I grew up making my own double-decker Oatmeal Creme Pies (DIY is better: the official double-D OCPs are just a clever way to cut out half of the moist cookie middlin’).

No, an Oatmeal Creme Pie cereal has been a no-brainer for years. But now that it’s finally happened, can Little Debbie’s milk & spoon debut live up to decades of vacuum-sealed hype? Let’s unwrap Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal from the top. Continue reading

News: Cocoa & Fruity Pebbles Coffee Creamer

Fruity Pebbles Cocoa Pebbles Coffee Creamer

Listen here, theoretical gastro-physicists: cereal is a solid. Sure, you add milk to it, but some licensed tie-ins of late seem to be cutting out the middle-matter and melting cereal down to a refined, fluid form from the get-go.

And International Delight’s new Pebbles coffee creamers are no exception. Releasing in both Fruity and Cocoa varieties, I think we can safely assume one of these will be more innovative than the other. Whereas a Fruity Pebbles coffee creamer implies a unique fruity cereal flavor, I have trouble picturing the Cocoa Pebbles version being much different from the chocolate lava overflow of other cocoa–mocha creamers. Unless, somehow, they’re able to make a liquid crispy.

Both Pebbles creamers will be hitting mass retailers in early 2021, priced at around $3.29 each. This release coincides with the Pebbles brand’s 50th anniversary, a celebration Insta-foodie Markie Devo claims will also include a release of Birthday Cake Pebbles

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Markie_devo (@markie_devo)

More on this story as it continues to bake.

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cinnadust

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cinnadust

How much Cinnadust is a single Cinnamon Toast Crunch square worth? What is the measure of a “Cinnamoji’s” life? How many of them do I hold in this cylinder of absurd magnitude? Is it really true? That all we are is Cinnadust in the wind?

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is making me think way too hard for something so redundantly simple. By almost any practical measure, Cinnadust has no reason to exist. Despite its considerable girth, at $5.48 this currently Sam’s Club exclusive Cinnadust is way more expensive than grabbing a small spice jar and a 10lb bag of Domino granulated—which, given the sweetness of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, is pretty much the right ratio.

But maybe it tastes better than just cinnamon sugar, right? Maybe Cinnadust is hiding some real magic in its “other natural flavors.” Maybe this mausoleum-sized flavor shaker was worth the brave squares it sacrificed.

…maybe. Continue reading

The Empty Bowl Episode Forty-One: The Latest Cinn-sation

*cracks open a cold one of your preferred cereal milk*

Long week, huh? Well, this might sound a little like snake oil, but what if I told you there’s a way you can soothe all your life’s tension in just 38 minutes? Well, your milage may vary, but Dr. Dan & Apothecary Justin’s 500-in-1 Mental Burden Balm is made of all-natural sound, with the perfect wavelength getting out all that crud deep down between your brain’s wrinkles.*

In this latest cereal meditation session, Justin and I raise a glass to Cinnamilk, get down with OCP, and compile a shortlist of Christmas Crunch’s Greatest Hits.

*Side effects of Dr. Dan & Apothecary Justin’s 500-in-1 Mental Burden Balm include drowsiness, increased appetite, and compulsive milk-drinking. If you’d like these effects to last longer than four hours, look for more doses on our Anchor hub, follow us on Twitter, or send us an email!

News: Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios

Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios Box

General Mills’ upcoming Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios, releasing next month, has big, choco-nutty-buttery shoes to fill.

By the stylization of the box and typography, Chocolate Strawberry is ostensibly the next in line to the throne of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios. Since Choco-PB Cheerios is one of my favorite ever Cheerio varieties—it’s like a Reese’s Puffs HD remaster—I have high expectations for Choco-Strawb. Will it be potently powdered? Will the strawberry hoops taste just like Strawberry Cheerios, or will they up the puréed ante? And if they succeed, will General Mills complete the holy trilogy by dropping Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jelly Cheerios?

Fondue or Fon-dud, I’m looking forward to trying Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios later this year.

News: Multi-Grain Strawberry Cheerios + Canadian Frosted Vanilla Cheerios

Let us all send prayers and psychic Gatorade to Cereal Life, who, as the online cereal correspondent with the closest connection to General Mills insiders, must be exhausted lately. For whatever reason, while Kellogg’s, Post, and Quaker have merely trickled out new cereal news, General Mills tips are spilling out in torrents. The most likely explanation for this is that, since January is the biggest time of the year for new cereal, and since most of Cereal Life’s finds are still in the sales sample stage, he’s simply getting a sneak peek at a huge wave of news to come in a couple months.

Among these bountiful chronicles of cereals foretold are two new types of Cheerios. First, the above Multigrain Cheerios with Strawberry Pieces. As Cereal Life mentions in the caption, a Cheerios variety with strawberries (rather than flavored with) hasn’t been seen since the Berry Burst line in the early 2000s—which, on an interesting tangent, contained the scarcely documented Cherry Vanilla Cheerios, first documented as a Cereal Myth in The Empty Bowl’s first-ever episode.

Granted, 2003’s version of this formula didn’t use Multigrain Cheerios, so at least this (presumed) 2021 version can be considered less of a bland reboot and more of a remaster. Continue reading