Author Archives: dan g.

Bite-Sized Reviews: Team Cheerios, Kellogg’s Mashups, & Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolatey Churros

Yet the Frosted Cheerios add little & kinda dilute the overall fruitiness. I would've preferred Peanut Butter Cheerios in their place

Also, it's funny to see Cheerios deliberately avoiding the word "Olympics" anywhere on the box. In case they're still cancelled I guess? pic.twitter.com/Kuj8TBVSFe

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) June 13, 2021

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but I couldn’t think of nearly that many to say about these three new, but mostly predictable, cereals.

BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Yay or nay? I say NEIGH. 🐎 The very definition of a 'horse cereal,' the neat textural contrast here makes it easy to mindlessly munch by the feedbag-full, but the flavor is only a flake deep. It ultimately just tastes like (sugar) watered-down Apple Jacks 🤨 pic.twitter.com/rxeIn2v4gb

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) June 15, 2021

BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Ugh, can we please just stop pouching cereals already? The serving sizes are dire, the packaging feels wasteful, & they're rarely any good. Case in point: compared to Chocolate Toast Crunch Churros, there's no cinnamon intrigue here—just ghastly cocoa faintness pic.twitter.com/VTSjhXrraa

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) June 18, 2021

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: apple jacks, cap'n crunch, cheerios, frosted flakes, kellogg's. Leave a comment

Jun. ’21

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolate Caramel Crunch

See this?

*gestures vaguely at each pixel of my blog*

Everything your backlit screen touches is his.

Cap’n Crunch’s, that is.

Sure, Cerealously was inspired by my lifelong love of breakfast cereal, but no other figure encapsulates the imaginative id of cereal culture quite like Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch. Maybe it’s because—unlike General Mills and Kellogg’s who have entire cinematic universes of familiar, oft-interacting mascots and the cereals they hawk—Quaker really only has the Cap’n’s self-contained, yet expansive, milky mythology (Life and the like don’t count to me because they aren’t character fronted, but full due respect to the based grain that is Quaker Oatmeal Squares).

Kooky characters like Wilma the Winsome White Whale, Chockle the Blob, and Crunch Berry Beast aside, Cap’n Crunch has also debuted an impressive arsenal of epic flavors across his many decades in the biz that’ve helped fuel his nostalgic legacy. You’ve got Oops! All Berries, sure—arguably the single most iconic definition of a hallucinogenically artificial cereal flavor—but I could go on and on honoring the Cap’ns service to tastebuds everywhere, from Choco Donuts and Sprinkled Donuts to Punch Crunch and my personal favorite, Orange Creampop Crunch.

Long history short, other cereals are appetizing, but only one is Crunchatizing, so I’m always excited to taste the Cap’n’s latest. But is Chocolate Caramel Crunch his greatest? Let’s break-fast it down. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cap'n crunch, caramel, chocolate, quaker. Leave a comment

Jun. ’21

News: Cinnamon Corn Flakes

Oh, alright. : )

Was that your reaction to new Cinnamon Corn Flakes? It was certainly mine. What can I say: there’s a reason Corn Flakes doesn’t get new flavors very often. Two reasons, honestly. For one thing, if you’re like me, you’re way more likely to use Corn Flakes to bread something than to eat it as an actual cereal. Secondly, why eat Corn Flakes when Frosted Flakes kinda knock Corn Flakes out of the chicken coop in both quantity and quality of flavor?

But sure, there are plenty of people who like less-sweet cereals, so you reading this may very well be cluckin’ pumped about Cinnamon Corn Flakes. Positively cocka-doodle-doodling little maize-gold hearts in the margins of your diary.

Since Cinnamon Frosted Flakes likewise exist and are good, I’m interested to see how Cinnamon Corn Flakes directly compare. Such a dichotomy reminds me of how Cinnamon Cheerios debuted as a dimmed-down Cinnamon Cheerios Oat Crunch, yet still managed to have a unique cinna-charm all its own.

Guess we’ll just have to wait and see, but not long: Cinnamon Corn Flakes should be hitting stores this month.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: corn flakes, kellogg's, news. 5 Comments

Jun. ’21

The Empty Bowl Episode Fifty-Two: Gatsby’s Favorite Snack Crackers

It’s been a volatile few weeks here on Cerealously Dot Net. Between the worst Lucky Charms ever, the worst Pop-Tarts ever, and John Oliver’s public anti-cereal tirade, I think I speak for all my fellow breakfast lovers when I say we need a little optimism.

As such, mournful munchers need look, listen, and chill no further than the latest episode of my and Justin‘s meditative cereal podcast: The Empty Bowl! With blissful beachside vibes and nonchalant ridiculousness by the heaping spoonful, it’s the perfect audio oasis for relaxing after a long day or a deep bowl of cereal. In this episode, we attempt to gently navigate the challenging headlines listed above, while also covering Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats, Team Cheerios, H-E-B’s best cereals, and more!

If your brain needs to soak in cool milk a little longer, you can find 51 other Empty Bowl episodes at out Anchor hub. You can also follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one is like a boat moving with the current, bearing forward ceaselessly into an innovative cereal future.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. Leave a comment

Jun. ’21

Review: New Fruity Pop-Tarts (Peach Cobbler, Banana Creme Pie & Lemon Creme Pie!)

Picture it: somewhere, just at the fringes of your imagination, in the middling space between reality and the dreamworld, lies a shimmering castle made from pastry crust. And it is in this prismatic palace—where the lucid may not set foot, lest they wish to be toasted into this kingdom’s very foundations—that a great and powerful sorcerer distills the divine will of some great cosmic breakfast entity into new Pop-Tart flavors.

I mean, sure, it sounds farfetched, but how else do you explain the sheer lunacy of all these new Pop-Tarts?

Pshh, like some buttoned-up bozos in a boardroom could dream up Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tarts. Don’t make me laugh. We all know the toaster pastries I’m about to try stem from just three of Frosted Lord Convectia’s many holy appendages.

Now, allow me to pay Him his due respects, by gorging myself on a bacchanal buffet of processed fruit rectangles. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: banana, kellogg's, lemon, peach, pop-tarts. 1 Comment

Jun. ’21

Review: Lucky Charms Marshmallow Clusters

There are at least two-dozen frowning emojis, but even all twenty-four of ’em wallowing at once wouldn’t be enough to express my grave displeasure with Lucky Charms Marshmallow Clusters cereal. This is a disappointment two years in the making, and despite my usually charitable attitude toward reviewing cereals, I’m fully prepared to tear into this cereal with the unrestrained vigor of a three-drinks-deep Comedy Central Roastmaster.

Yeah, you heard me: no more Mr. Rice Guy.

Because that’s the core problem with these Lucky Charms, after all. “Lucky Charms Crispy Rice Clusters” was first rumored in 2019, and it seemed like an auspicious rainbow sent from above. See, not long before this 2019 leak, Kellogg’s changed the recipe for Rice Krispies Treats Cereal from its beloved crispy rice clusters into a sad facsimile of Frosted Krispies and marbits. Lucky Charms Crispy Rice Clusters appeared to restore this lost glory, but sometime during the two years that followed, this shooting star of hope fizzled into a star-crossed flub.

What was once a clustered-rice cereal concept has debuted as the bizarre mishmash of puffed corn and rice I’m reviewing today. With its tragic origin story out of the way, it’s time for me to dissect Lucky Charms Marshmallow Clusters with a particularly pointed spoon. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, lucky charms. 16 Comments

Jun. ’21

Bite-Sized Review: Apple Cinnamon Chex & Galactic Lucky Charms

BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Apple Cinnamon Chex is aggressively forgettable. Its rice base is vapid, yet its apple dusting is potent as potpourri. Unless you use melted Yankee Candles as milk on your cereal, there's no reason to pick AC Chex over Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, which are also GF pic.twitter.com/ciYtyJ9dXU

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) June 1, 2021

Still breaking down my breakfast backlog!

BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Cosmic Lucky Charms are…well…they're Lucky Charms, so of course they're good! And the new marbits are pretty 'stellar.

Or rather, the rocket one is alright. We all know those two martian macarons are the headliners here. pic.twitter.com/agq2KKNy5j

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) May 23, 2021

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: chex, general mills, lucky charms. Leave a comment

May. ’21

Review: Almond Cheerios Oat Crunch

Like buying a gift for the person who has everything, or picking toppings for the bagel that is Everything, it’s tough saying much about a cereal line like Cheerios Oat Crunch, whose simple concept and already much-lauded lineage seems to speak for itself.

It’s got oats, and it’s got a whole lot of crunch. What’s not to love? Already released in both Cinnamon and Oats & Honey, Cheerios Oat Crunch has earned nothing but high marks and brimming enthusiasm from me. Oats & Honey in particular was named the #1 cereal of 2019—and it was probably the best cereal of the 2010s as a whole, too.

[banned in tournament play] pic.twitter.com/RgM5KegHVl

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) May 15, 2021

With that said, new Almond Cheerios Oat Crunch simultaneously has big, ring-shaped shoes to fill as well as a very low bar to clear. Because if it’s anything at all like its predecessors, it’ll easily be a bombastic breakfast. But the only way to find out is to dig in, eh?

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: almond, cheerios, general mills. 6 Comments