Author Archives: dan g.

24

Aug. ’21

News: Three Cereal Tidbits!

All Marshmallow Lucky Charms 2021

It’s been a dry few weeks for dry cereal news—an odd occasion, since breakfast happenings are usually bustling enough to have me posting a couple times a week without fail. Cereal news is metaphorically true to its namesake, after all: it gets you hungry for a new bowl before you’ve even finished the one you just poured. In comparison, this has been the overnight oats of slow news months.

Nevertheless, there have been a couple news bites worth bringing up: the first of which is the rainbow-spanning return of Lucky Charms “Just Magical Marshmallows.” After years of making All Marshmallow LC boxes extremely rare artifacts you could only win from contests (though I acquired one anyway), General Mills has since stripped the stuff of its mythic stature. Last year, they introduced small pouches of marbits, and now they’re back—even though I never noticed they were gone. Truth be told, I see no practical reason to buy these, given how the oat bits are actually the cereal’s best part, unless you want to melt a big glob of them for the world’s most unicorn puke-tastic s’more.

Oh well, at least the neat new packaging makes it feel like you’re collecting Infinity Stones. Continue reading →

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15

Aug. ’21

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Popcorn

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Popcorn Review Bag

In the near future, non-cereal cereal-flavored foodstuffs will outlive cereals themselves. Our children’s children’s children will ask us, “wait, Cinnamon Toast Crunch wasn’t always a popcorn brand? Fruity Pebbles wasn’t always aquarium gravel? And Count Chocula used to make more than just edible abacuses?” And we will sit them on our laps and tell them tales of a time when you could pour crunchy little things in a bowl and eat them with milk—back before the Froot Loops-scented ICBMs fell and changed everything.

Yes, cereal–snack tie-ins are a never-ending trend, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch Popcorn—currently still a Sam’s Club exclusive—is only the latest incarnation of innovation and temptation. But is it worthy of the Toast Crunch title? Well let me tell ya… Continue reading →

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08

Aug. ’21

Review: Monster Mash Cereal

New Monster Mash Cereal Review – Box

For fifty years now, the General Mills Monster Cereals have been harbingers of Halloweentime. When they start popping up on shelves around late-August, a vortex of orange and black seems to seems to swirl outwardly around them. July 4th fireworks become Pop Rocks, watermelons become pumpkins, campfire roasters become big plastic devil pitchforks, and you can feel a palpable chill in the air—probably from Target turning up the AC because, y’know, it’s August, but still.

One might even call the Monsters the Five Horsemen of the Halloween Season, though I’m not sure how I’d assign them apocalyptic analogues. Chocula is definitely Conquest, since he’s the ringleader. Towering powerhouse Franken Berry feels built for War, while Boo Berry is Death because ohhh, you know how ghosts are. I guess we can say Frute Brute is Famine, since he’s the biggest cult favorite fans have hungered for, while Yummy Mummy represents Pestilence in the form of some ancient Egyptian plague unleashed when someone drank sarcophagus juice like it was Ghoul-Aid.

Anyway, now that we’ve picked a group Halloween costume for this crunchy quintet, let’s talk about their 50th anniversary mega-cereal: Monster Mash. Hotly anticipated for months now—I swear, people get more excited about Monster Cereals than 1,031 new Toast Crunches—Monster Mash Cereal, debuting on store shelves everywhere this month, brings all five Monsters together in one box, for the first time. But on a scale of “eerie sight” to “graveyard smash,” just how good is it? Well allow me to grab my finest aged sarcophagus milk and find out. Continue reading →

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03

Aug. ’21

News (Mexico): Kellogg’s Krispy Kreme Cereal

New Mexico Exclusive Kellogg's Krispy Kreme Cereal

(UPDATE: Read my full Krispy Kreme Cereal review!)

It’s taken them a long time, but doughnut companies across the world are finally starting to realize something: huh, cereal rings look a lot like doughnuts, don’t they?

Of course, there’s been no shortage of doughnut-themed cereals. From ’80s ancients Dinky Donuts and Powdered Donutz cereals to contemporary classics like Pink Donut Cereal, Hostess Donettes Cereal, and Cap’n Crunch’s Sprinkled Donut Crunch, the dozen-or-so doughnut cereals released to date constitute a well-rounded munch-able microgenre. But with the exception of old-school Dunkin’ Donuts Cereal from ’88, big-name dough-masons never really seized the opportunity to miniaturize their iconic confections.

That is, until recently, when Dunkin’ returned with new (caffeinated!) cereals, Tim Hortons brought Timbits Cereal to Canada, and now Krispy Kreme is completing this veritable NAFTA of doughnut cereals with a Mexico-exclusive cereal based on their iconic Original Glazed rings.

Few fates are crueler cruller than being 2,000 miles from Kellogg’s Krispy Kreme Cereal, but hopefully Kellogg’s brings this glazed goodness stateside soon. For anyone reading this from Mexico, I wish I had more info to share with you about this cereal, but I could only find it on Sam’s Club of Mexico’s website. If you’ve managed to get your powdered sugar-dusted hands on a box of Krispy Kreme Cereal, let me know how it tastes in the comments below.

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29

Jul. ’21

News: Two New OffLimits Cereal Flavors!

New OffLimits Cereal Flavors

If you’ve read more than a handful of articles on this blog, you’ve probably got a decent handle on what I like—because I gush about my interests and love repeating myself. Gingerbread, PB&J, Waffle Crisp: pretty much the holy trinity of stuff I can’t shut up about.

But I also love indie cereals. Simply put, I’ve been in this game long enough to get a little tired of talking about the same big four corporate cereal monoliths. That’s why I love to see startups like Magic Spoon, Three Wishes, and OffLimits seize the means of spoon-in-milk subduction. OffLimits is a countercultural cereal brand that vocally supports independent art and diversity, and for their brand’s first anniversary, they’re dropping two new flavors. Joining their first two flavors—vanilla & pandan Zombie + chocolate & coffee Dash—are strawberry Spark and cinnamon Flex.

New OffLimits Cereal Glitter

OffLimits is even offering a special birthday bonanza pack, if you want to try all four. Sure, they’re a bit more expensive than your run-of-the-General-Mill fare, but for an organic/vegan/gluten-free indie creation that comes with digital tickets redeemable for real prizes, it’s more like buying an edible piece of culture than a mindless munchie. And hey, if you buy their birthday pack, you’ll even get some cereal glitter, ideal for rolling around in before foam parties at the club, or for ethically chucking in assertive strangers’ eyes.

If you can’t tell—I’m really into OffLimits’ aesthetic. Maybe if all goes well, by their second anniversary they’ll do Gingerbread and PB&J flavors. Maybe they could call them, oh, I don’t know, Snap & Smuck?

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28

Jul. ’21

News: Party on Cap’n Crunch’s Houseboat!

Cap'n Crunch's Houseboat Contest

What a year for nautical cereal nonsense! First in April, Lil Yachty collabs with Reeses’s Puffs to drop an RC boat with a built-in “milkcuzzi“—all of which were shamefully snapped up by scalpers, assuming it wasn’t an inside buoy-bob job to begin with. But a dinky toy schooner would never suffice for everyone’s favorite seafaring cereal mascot, so that’s why Cap’n Crunch just announced the nuttiest and downright gnarliest cereal contest I’ve ever heard of:

That’s right: Cap’n Crunch has his own decked-out (literally) houseboat, and one lucky winner will stay two nights on the thing with up to three guests. While the idea of a floating Crunch Berry mecca is insanely cool, I’m getting slight Fyre Fest vibes from this. For one thing, to enter you must be over twenty-five and upload a photo that proves you’re the world’s biggest Cap’n Crunch super fan  at capnsquarters.com. Problem is, you’ve only got four days to enter, as the contest closes 8/1. I have a feeling it took the Cap’n’s PR team longer than anticipated to prep the contest, yet they had to push it out so that winners could still stay on the boat while it’s warm out.

Those winners will be able to pick two nights between 8/9 and 8/17 for their stay, and while transportation to the houseboat in Boston isn’t included, winners will receive a $2000 bank card.

Call me crazy, but this sounds like the plot of a cereal themed spinoff called Project X Marks the Spot. A borrowed boat stocked with only sugary cereal, plus $2000 in a state with legal weed? I wouldn’t be surprised if this real-life S.S. Guppy’s maiden voyage ends with Crunch Berry-filled chests dumped into the harbor. To anyone who enters: good luck and godspeed—wait, does Cap’n Crunch believe in God? I always pictured him as more of a Cthulhu man.

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22

Jul. ’21

News: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Popcorn & Cocoa Puffs Popcorn

New Cinnamon Toast Crunch Popcorn

Corn this, corn that: we get it, Big Cereal, you love corn. We might as well call you stalkers (get it?), what with the putting corn in our beloved, formerly oat-based cereals and now cereals in our popped corn. General Mills? More like…Colonel Mills (get it??)!

Sorry, I’m just a jealous, oat-loving son of a gun who can’t quit bellyaching. In reality, there are plenty of fine corn-based cereals—Corn Flakes, for example, or Corn Pops, or Corn Crunch. Really any corn cereal that’s transparent about how corny it’ll be. Oh, and popcorn is good, too. There are even other cereal-flavored popcorns that have been good—darn good, I might even say. So this new Cinnamon Toast Crunch Popcorn, which is already out at Sam’s Club, is probably going to be pretty darn/dang/dunk(?) good, too.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CRoYDOLFQti/

As shared by Cereal Life, Cocoa Puffs Popcorn is also coming to Sam’s Club this fall, if it isn’t at your local SC already. I’m particularly tickled by the idea of Cocoa Puffs Popcorn, since Cocoa Puffs (unlike CTC) is already a corn-based cereal. That makes Cocoa Puffs Popcorn a strange recontextualization of the classic cuckoo-fronted cereal, from puffed corn to popped corn. Honestly, if there’s a salty element to this popcorn, it’ll probably taste better than its namesake cereal, which I’ve recently criticized for its “More Chocolatey” reformulation, which is in reality, less chocolatey.

Have your tried either of these popcorns yet? Let me know, because without a membership, I might be forced to attempt the most weirdly specific panhandling routine the Sam’s Club parking lot has ever seen.

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18

Jul. ’21

Review: Fruity Cereal Kit-Kat Bars

Fruity Cereal Kit-Kat Review - Wrapper

Aw, Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats? Gimme a break…

…fast! Because my sheer carnal desire to fangoriously devour more of these rosy rectangular prisms will require a total break from adult responsibility—nay, from reality altogether. Before even getting into it, yes: Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats are really good. I finally found them at Walmart, sold by the phat stack:

Sadly, these aren’t literal yard-stick length Kit-Kats, but are instead 12 snack-sized Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats lined up. Drat, right? Now when buying these there’s more impetus to share your bite-sized booty instead of just wielding one like a Kit-Kutlass.

But aye—I say, as this sudden spirit of swashbuckling similes washes over me—I shall delay this review no longer: it’s time to tell you why Fruity Cereal Kit-Kats have me hooked. Continue reading →

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