Here at Cerealously, it’s our goal to represent the entire diverse spectrum of the cereal galaxy. So straight off of our review of a Kashi cereal, it’s time to go to Kashyyyk, as we take a more in-depth look at the Star Wars mash-up cereal boxes offered by General Mills to promote the upcoming release of Episode VII: The Force Awakens. The boxes combine classic Star Wars images with the cereal characters you know and love, squeezing the two universes tighter together than a Death Star trash compactor.

And yes, I know, this is the third time I’ve mentioned them, but if you can Force yourself through one last post, I promise I’ll put my awakened fanboy-ism back to sleep. Because this time I’m going to rank them from worst to best on a carefully developed scale of “Jar Jar Binks to Emperor’s Royal Guard.”

Come on, you can’t tell me those cloaked red dudes aren’t the most badass characters in the Lucas-verse.

My midichlorian count must be pretty high lately (I have been consuming a lot of midi-calories from all this cereal), because General Mills’ PR team was generous enough to send me a care package of these cereals. And it was done at warp speed, too! Whoever their delivery guy is, he could probably beat Han in the Kessel Run. So without further adieu, let’s count ’em down!

#5: Reese’s Puffs

Now I have nothing against this Reese’s Puffs design, but I just feel the use of a giant chocolate moon (oh wait…) with a Reese’s Puffs asteroid belt is a little too on the nose. It probably doesn’t help that Reese’s Puffs doesn’t have an official mascot to Star Wars-ify, but I could still think of a few suggestions to kick this box up a notch.

Why not give the furry brown Chewbacca a giant Reese’s Puff head? Or why not give a custom colored R2P2 droid a big ol’ peanut butter cup for a dome? Or best of all: a parody of Luke looking at Tatooine’s two moons, with the heavenly bodies replaced with…well, you know.

Rank: Slightly less scruffy looking nerf herder

#4: Honey Nut Cheerios

Something about turning Buzz the Bee into a Sith lord just kinda…bugs me. Don’t get me wrong, the aesthetic is well rendered artistically, and the badass glowing honey lightsaber has me hoping for an officially licensed plastic toy replica, or at least a living room lamp version from IKEA.

But since when is Buzz an evil agent of chaos and destruction? I thought he would be a heroic Jedi. And come on, just look at the prime pun potential General Mills missed out on by not making him “OBee-Wan KenoBee!”

To paraphrase Luke Skywalker, “I know there is good in you, Buzz. And natural almond flavor.”

Rank: Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes

#3: Mini Trix

Putting aside my anger that “Mini Trix” is even a thing at all (“Good, good: let the fruity hate flow through you!”), I quite like General Mills spin on the Trix Rabbit as Princess Leia. I can already see a commercial in the future in which the Rabbit is yet again denied a bowl of Trix by a band of Imperial children.

“Silly rebels, Trix are for Sith!”

And while it still makes me wonder where all the female cereal mascots are, I’m thankful the Trix Rabbit didn’t spring for the Slave Leia costume. As much as I love him, I’m not ready for this hare to bare all.

But like before, I can’t help but wish the Princess Leia theme had been applied to Cinnamon Toast Crunch instead. Their cinnamon swirls would pair perfectly with Leia’s signature hair. And besides, who wouldn’t love to see Chef Wendell return with a cinnamon bun hairdo?

Rank: Max Rebo

#2 Cookie Crisp

I wasn’t sent a box of this elusive Star Wars variant of Cookie Crisp, nor am I able to find it anywhere (maybe there’s some Jedi mind trick afoot: “This is not the Cookie Crisp you’re looking for”). It seems this cereal is missing from store shelves more often than Stormtroopers miss their shots. But The Impulsive Buy has this picture of it for you all to admire, and I think the gorgeous rendering of Chip the Wolf as a Stormtrooper is worthy of the #2 spot.

Just look at how confident and determined he is, complete with an ethereal blue glow! I’m convinced that he isn’t, in fact, one of the bad stormtroopers; rather, he is just like Han or Luke, masquerading in armor in order to save Princess Leia.

Boy, is Chip gonna be disappointed when he only finds the Trix Rabbit in that holding cell instead.

Rank: Darth Maul

#1: Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Despite my earlier suggestion that CTC should go with a Leia motif, I don’t think these flakey TIE Fighters can be topped. I’ve spent many hours of my youth, adolescence, and adulthood excitedly reading those Star Wars cross-sections books that let you see inside the series’ famous vehicles (I think the only book I more frequently checked out of the library was the Star Wars Encyclopedia…and maybe Hank the Cowdog).

So that’s why seeing cinnamon sugar ships like these just make me want to slice ’em in half and stare at their mechanical anatomy whilst chugging a whole box of Capri-Suns and laying on the floor. Just like I did when I was 8.

And hey, while I’m dreaming, maybe a sequel to the TIE Fighter flight simulator game? I’d love to shoot down some X-Wings and Y-Wings whilst piloting my own crunchy war machine. Something tells me the Rebel ships would be made out of Alpha-Bits.

So there you have it: a whole bunch of great boxes to celebrate one great movie series. Come December 17th, I’m gonna save extra seats just for my cardboard friends here. My fellow moviegoers will understand, right?

Rank: IG-88 (I love that guy.)

BONUS:

I was also lucky enough to receive all the droid viewer premiums in a swanky wooden box. Each plastic droid contains a neat image of the character they embody that you can view periscope style by looking inside. For the purposes of this post, I crammed my camera lens inside of them to share the fun (or ruin the surprise, for those who want to collect ’em all themselves—view them at your own risk!).

BB-8

Mouse Droid

B-U4D

R2-D2

C-3PO

PZ-4CO

I’d like to thank GM PR for their out-of-this-world generosity. Feel free to let me know in the comments below whether you agree with my ranking, or whether you want to feed me to the Rancor.