Edible trading cards.

That’s what I’ve been calling Pop-Tarts for years, and it only feels more accurate the wackier these little pastries get. I mean, think about it: foil wrapping, colorfully zany designs, printed fun, mysteries, and different attack formations (plain, toasted, frozen).

What, you’re telling me you’ve never crammed your Blue-Eyes White Dragon in the toaster? No wonder you’ve lost touch with the Heart Tart of the Cards.

Anyway, Kellogg’s latest P-T booster pack boasts some heavy hitters: Eggo Frosted Maple, Apple Fritter, and Boston Creme Donut (which I was tragically unable to track down). Let’s let these first two duel it out on the battlefield of my palate, and see who ends up with more life points (spoiler alert, but after eating this many Pop-Tarts, it certainly won’t be me).

Based purely on aesthetics, Eggo Pop-Tarts steal the show. With a uniquely yellow crust, these things look like ravioli covered with Kraft Mac & Cheese. Their scent and flavor are equally bombastic: Eggo Pop-Tarts exude the highest concentration of distinctly Waffle-Crispian artificial maple I’ve ever encountered. Honestly, just one whiff is enough to have your brain astral-projecting into the syrup-sweating costume of Eggoman himself.

But is it tasty? It feels unhelpful to say, but if you like extremely fake (we’re talking Grade-F Shamber here) maple syrup, then yes, you’ll likely love Eggo Pop-Tarts. It’s a pretty one note, artificial butter ‘n’ Mrs. Butterworth maple sweetness, but it practically bleeds out of these pastries’ every pore. It will linger on your tongue and clothes, and it will turn your extrasensory aura the very same SpongeBobian yellow as the crust.

Apple Fritter Pop-Tarts couldn’t be more different. Eaten plain, their flavor is subtle and elusive, with a tickle of warm cinnamon leading and a slight, sappy trickle of caramelized apple coming in behind. As a friend of mine deftly put it: “it’s like the little brother of Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts.” It’s tasty enough, sure, and a welcome reprieve for those who find most Pop-Tarts to be too sweet, but for me, I was hoping for more apple and a better defined fritter.

Thankfully, the almighty toaster’s holy, purifying heat solves a lot of these Pop-Tarts’ respective issues.

In Eggo’s case, a nice golden browning gives the crust more of an authentically waffled texture/taste, simultaneously bumping up the butteriness and tempering the cartoonish candied sweetness of the syrup. It’s still a long way from a true Belgian waffle, but it isn’t far off from the equally processed (yet no less guilty-pleasurable) “Leggo My Eggo” experience.

Apple Fritter, meanwhile, really comes alive after a thorough toasting. The hitherto slumbering apple roars to the forefront, breathing fiery cinnamon (fiery not in terms of spice, but in terms of “burning my tongue and nearly jeopardizing the further taste-tegrity of this review). Granted, I’d be much more likely to call this an Apple Pie Pop-Tart than anything distinctly doughnutted, but the crisped crust and fruity cinnamon filling are cozy and charming nonetheless.

Even though I’m an ardent advocate for frozen Pop-Tarts, this is a rare case where freezing doesn’t really change much about the eating experience.

Maybe it’s because uncooked Eggo Waffles already come frozen, but a deeply chilled rectangle of synthetic syrup just isn’t doing it for me. Likewise, frozen Apple Fritter Pop-Tarts retain the same coy modesty that troubles the flavor straight from the pouch.

In any case, Eggo Maple Pop-Tarts and Apple Fritter Pop-Tarts are born to be toasted. Granted, they both will only appeal to niche audiences—you gotta really love fake maple for Eggo, while Fritter’s understated appeal might bore those seeking a Pop-Tart whose player is more, y’know, poppin’—but these are still a huge step up from the last Pop-Tarts I tried.

(Though the bar was set so low, even Satan’s limberest imp couldn’t clear it.)

The Bowl: Eggo Maple and Apple Fritter Pop-Tarts

The Breakdown: Covering both ends of a flavor-potency continuum, with these Tarts, you’re either suckling on an industrial syrup pump or crumbling your pastry trying to squeeze out anything beyond orchard-kissed cinnamon. In both cases, toast for best results.

The Bottom Line (for both): 7.5 divine appliances out of 10