“An upper crust choice.” — The American Pastry Society

“A new high for the genre.” — Popular Tarts Magazine

“Do this one justice with a Stainless Steel Wolf Gourmet WGTR124S 4-Slice model.” — Toast Fancy 

I’m not gonna beat around the crumbly, biscuity bush here: new Frosted Chocolatey Churro Pop-Tarts are good. So good that you shouldn’t need to read my next few hundred words of assorted praise to just go out and buy a box. But nevertheless, I will do my due diligence and explain why this is the best new Pop-Tarts flavor in a long time.

(This is only the second time ever that my test Tart has lost a corner while reviewing. The other time I Photoshopped the corner in and you’ll never know which one it was ^^)

Brown Sugar Cinnamon is one of two crucial Pop-Tart flavors. The yang to Strawberry’s yin, BSC Pop-Tarts help uphold the very cosmology of toaster pastries. If either were to fall, calamity would no doubt befall humankind as the forces of frosted entropy consume the very concept of breakfast as we know it.

Because of this precarious balance, it’s hard to imagine improving upon perfection. Like, imagine if NASA announced The Moon 2. Sure, there have been other strawberry Pop-Tarts that were pretty solid, but they’re more like side quests than expansion packs. Similarly, as an already layered flavor, how much better could Brown Sugar Cinnamon get?

Chocolatey Churro levels of better, folks. Though chocolate may sound like a left-field replacement for brown sugar, the strange truth is that you can hardly taste anything that could be distinctly described as “chocolatey.” And again, though that might sound like a bad thing, the chocolate component instead serves to provide a richer, creamier and butterier baseline for the cinnamon to alley-oop off of. Mouthwatering, cozy and very much like a half-baked cinnamon roll, this powerhouse Pop-Tart filling leaves even the golden, flaky crust feeling like a mere accent.

And if that wasn’t an enticing description, let me tell you: Chocolatey Churro Pop-Tarts are in another league when toasted. Less like a churro and more like molasses-enriched snickerdoodle dough, these toasted pastries are worth keeping in small planters with medium sunlight and lower than average watering because they’re just that succulent. Not to mention how the crust—once a slight complement—now becomes a crispy tour de force further heightening the overall warm ‘n’ roasted richness that makes these Pop-Tarts so good.

If Chocolatey Churro Pop-Tarts have one weak point, it’s their frozen performance. While this likely wouldn’t be disqualifying for most reviewers and Pop-Tart fans alike, my hyper-specific passion for chilled toaster pastries is both well-documented and an influential force in all my Pop-Tart opinions. The filling gets appropriately doughier when frozen, but because cinnamon is a spice, it by definition works better in warmed-up form. Frozen, a lot of the nuance is lost, and even the chocolate can’t work as hard to support the whole experience.

Overall, Chocolatey Churro Pop-Tarts are a stellar addition to Kellogg’s toaster pastry pantheon, unseating even Brown Sugar Cinnamon in my mind as the best of its kind. Like the brand’s recent Pretzel Pop-Tarts, the chocolate here isn’t so much a fixture as it is a promise of greater flavor potency. Cinnamon fans need not worry: your favorite flavor is still given the sienna spotlight here, and in a dazzlingly doughy fashion. It seems I’ve already written about 500 words too many when all I needed to say was “Transcendent,” so I’ll end the review with the hope that maybe, just maybe, an ethereally awesome evolution of Strawberry Pop-Tarts might be possible too.

Someone get the folks behind Strawberry Cheesecake and Strawberry Cheese Danish Pop-Tarts in a room together: they were on to something.

The Bowl: Chocolatey Churro Pop-Tarts

The Breakdown: Amazing eaten plain and stupendous when toasted, even a lukewarm frozen performance can’t stop the doughy, creamy, chocolate-enhanced and delightfully dense juggernaut that is Chocolatey Churro Pop-Tarts

The Bottom Line: 9.5 back issues of The Un-Uncrustable Chronicle out of 10

(Quick Nutrition Facts: 400 calories, 31 grams of sugar, 1 grams of fiber, & 4 grams of protein per 2 pastry serving)

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