You know that unfortunate person in your life whose birthday tragically falls within a week on either side of Christmas? The one whose cake and ice cream inevitably end up getting rebranded as pumpkin pie and sugar cookies so their family can make a joke about “2-for-1 discounts?”
I have a theory that Lucky the Leprechaun is that person. Why? Because he seems to be thoughtlessly regifting his Chocolate Lucky Charms like someone who’s lived through a spirit-numbing lifetime spent receiving “festive birthday socks.”
Yes, while the Toast Crunch family’s holiday party went off with nationwide fanfare—and probably more than a few interstellar parades, assuming the aliens got my celebratory transmission—Lucky and his band of merry Charms certainly didn’t try to steal Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch’s thunder.
Rather, we’ve been gifted Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms, a cereal that takes the Chocolate Lucky Charm flavor General Mills has refined for decades, with the, erm, questionable geometry of holiday marshmallows first seen in last year’s Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms.
Despite sounding unique, the Cinnamon Vanilla variety wasn’t terribly compelling. So maybe it’s for the best GM went the safer route: especially since, astoundingly, I haven’t yet reviewed Chocolate Lucky Charms on this blog.
That means I can consider Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms a gift of opportunity, if not originality. Much like how coal gives a chance for some (very) early summer grilling.
Despite the addition of a sometimes-vowel, Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms aren’t any more chocolaty (the real spelling of the word) than normal Chocolate Lucky Charms—and they certainly aren’t quite as good as normal Lucky Charms.
Let me explain: whereas classic Charms are made of dense, snappy oat flour, Chocolate Lucky Charms are, confoundingly, made from corn flour. If this comes as a surprise to you, it did to me, too. I had been eating Choco-Charms for years, convincing myself it was just like the original via placeb-oat effect, but ever since learning of Lucky’s starchy switcheroo, I can’t think of anything else.
After all, without oat flour, this is pretty much just Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs all over again—albeit with a better mouthfeel. The variously curvaceous chocolate pieces have a pleasant infusion of sweetly sticky real cocoa—think brownie crisps or packaged chocolate wafers—but the inescapable golden graininess below it loves to interject.
The smaller volume of each Lucky Charm means the corniness here isn’t quite as distracting as in Cocoa Puffs, but it nevertheless has me hunting for the sweet creamy booster shot provided by a spoonful of wintery marshmallows.
…Well, if you can call them wintery. Like last year, we have the ol’ reliable “snowball,” which is really just a normal marbit pulling the Christmas equivalent of dressing up as yourself for Halloween. We have jagged blue snowflakes, which we’ll probably see again as both April raincloud and May flower marshmallows come late spring. And last but certainly, definitely, totally least, we have the snowman marshmallows, which manage to simultaneously look like pacifiers, mushrooms, phallic symbols, albino Squidward in a knit hat, and the abdomen-up of a blow-torched snowman.
This is all to say that I was hoping for more out of the marshmallows—they don’t taste any different or come in greater quantity for traditional holiday button-bursting breakfasts. I think if I were in charge of General Mills’ team of marbit architects, I would’ve at least thrown in a few eggnog-flavored rocks glass marshmallows.
(Just tell the kids it’s Santa’s glass of milk.)
As the ancient cereal prophecy correctly predicts, milk masks the malignant maize notes to turn Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms into something much more deserving of its magically esteemed heritage.
The chocolate and creamy sugar notes make quite the tag team, and it makes the whole cereal a passable holiday treat. Even though CWLC violates my sacred personal rule of s’mores integrity,* I nevertheless find myself charmed by the simple joy of marshmallow-modified choco-sweetness.
Especially when the endmilk ends up tasting like a virgin chocolate mudslide. Just don’t expect it to look like anything more than half-melted ditch snow.
*Of the graham, chocolate, ‘mallow trinity, the first two should never be removed. Marshmallow must be a binding agent, otherwise it’s a largely tasteless saccharine supplement.
The Bowl: Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms
The Breakdown: Same corny flavor, same cheesy marshmallows: this is far from the most inspired holiday cereal out there, but I’ll be jingled and Kringled if it doesn’t make for a decent snow day snack anyway.
The Bottom Line: 6 Charms sneaking out of their family party to hang with the T. Crunches out of 10